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Something’s not right

Being misstreated

Being misstreated

This is my little rant in this forum.

I am going on 31 and have a brother about 1 year younger than me. Throughout my whole life in our family there was not much love and communication. My brother and I did get along but the majority of the time he and I would not get along and often my father and I would gang up on him and call him names and get our self esteem from this. To me as a child growing up I thought it was ok to do this and never understood what it would be like to be my brother.

My father and mother never communicated emotion and thier relationship was feuled with negative energy. This is where the trigger was I feel and where the dissharmony arose.

My mother only recently said to me that at one stage she said to my brother that my fathers opinion did not matter. To me this may have been the trigger which over time sent me off in the wrong direction. When she told me this it set off alarm bells in my head and that she never spoke to me but spoke to my brother. I think she said this was around when my brother was 14. At around 15 I started drinking and at age 17 started taking drugs. To me this seems all to coinside with each other too much to be a coincidence. When I have asked my mother why she never trusted me as a child and spoke to me she says I did until you started taking drugs. Then she says that I lost her trust but now I have it back.

My brother took drugs and drunk I know this but now I hear she said she told my brother my fathers opinion did not matter it makes me realise she put all her trust in to my brother and left me with my father. My father and I got along but our relationship is terrible, if you have read my other thread in the Our Experience and Stories forum http://saneforums.org/t5/Our-experience-stories/Living-with-depression-and-anxiety/m-p/17866#M2415my father is adopted and is very detached. I think my mother sees the side of him in me and rejects this and this is what has happened throughout my life. Neither my mother and father can seem to accept both thier childs.

Anyway that is my problem I find at the moment with my family. I find I do not get the respect and understanding I deserve.

I speak with my mother tomorrow 15/02/2015 for my birthday 16/02/2015, I will let you all know how I go.

Thanks for your support.

336 replies

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In response to: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

Dear Anne,

It is so bloody confronting when we see that the person we love(d) is not actually the person present, and maybe never was.

Tkae care of you my friend.

Kindest regards,

Kristin

In response to: Re: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

yes, agree with Kristin about it being hard when we realise people are different.. I can relate but only in hindsight without the presence of the person/people in my life. I hope that the visit goes as well as it can. Glad you are able to get out into the fresh air with Arlo. Dogs are wonderful arent they. I love my lil kitten but miss having a dog for that time outside!

Hope you get a good rest tonight,

LJ

In response to: Re: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

@kristin and @Former-Member

I went to a friends to make about 6 friends a meal.....yes.....I made them spaghetti .......and came home to talk to my ex husband........
both of your words are so correct..........
remembering my wedding day. I was so happy blissful, we were so much in love and then, everything was so difficult.
It makes me feel like a drama queen and failure. I went to a dear friends, making a meal for everyone and one was diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic......he is practically illiterate but so intelligent, had his daughter taken away from him because the Government feels his diagnosis is too dangerous for his daughter. He visits her ever chance he gets because he says, ' I never met my Dad and don't want her to miss out on me.
And I'm grieving after such a little thing. It's my grief. I see my ex husbands very small life and don't want it. I feel I have moved on.
I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm falling asleep wherever I go but will find out next week. It's like, my past which was so @&$' active and stressful and aggressive and difficult is over. I never stopped running. Now I'm alone, I'm almost 50......in 2 years.......I'm just wanting to sleep and do nothing. I know my medication is very high......sons are managing their own lives......
I wake up in the morning but am groggy

In response to: Re: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

Hey anne, hows it going?

I completely understand the love and how it can perish. All my life I thought my parents loved me and perhaps they did but I noticed only the other day that they never loved me together with thier love as well, it was always seperate and I realised in love, trust and all that can have negative overtones and I think this is what is messing with my head.

I spoke to my mother and father about this and my mother is not even talking to me now. I spoke to my brother and luckily we had a lightbulb moment and we decided it would be good to get my father to step up and say he really trusts this family. I think unfortunatly there are reasons why my parents do not want to really commit to trust but I said to my father my mother is always the one to try and get things to work and he said yes he would step up and say he means it. But my mother is not even answering me even after saying my dad would step up and not do a half assed job.

Bit confused at the moment.

And anne, I feel the same, perhaps its somewhat we are realising what is happening. I have slowed right down, and have even put on some weight, not like a few years ago. Years ago I was anxious and stressed and suicidal and now that is still there but I have depression too, but I feel if I can fix love I can conquer anything, I guess we need faith.

In response to: Re: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

hi @Troubled_One

thanks for the message.
I,feel like I want to message it in two parts....
It feels like that your Mum though not-as-evolved-as you is really hurt because she feels you are questioning the love she shows you.
Maybe you could be gentler to her??


Us women are funny souls. I used to tell my sons....never listen to women when they are in a group. Us women always sound funny because we need to work things out....then we think about them. Just say, Yes. you will get the right answer soon.....

In response to: Re: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

Yes I noticed this I can get negative towards her and make her feel bad, I am thinking of this and wondering how I can not do it. Maybe think ahead because I make her feel bad and then realise after I was wrong.

I feel like I am hitting a wall. I live with my father and I am getting no where with anything, he is so dissregardless of anything I say and do, it is driving me crazy. No matter what I do I feel like it is never good enough, I feel like I have to be perfect and know everything, otherwise I just feel horrible and everything goes wrong.

I am seeing my psychologist tomorrow and tell him about it but its like everything I hoped for to work out is not, its like there is no point in living. I see the positives and the times I could get better but those thoughts only last so long and they dissapear and the horror starts again.

My name is Lee BTW.

In response to: Re: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

Dear Lee,

I was thinking of you and Anne amongst others when I was writing some of my unpublished poetry down in a book for a friend as a thank you. I thought you might appreciate and relate to a couple of them.

Trying

I’ve tried ever so hard
to see things their way
do it their way
be who they want
But there is no room for me
There

Now I try to see things my own way
Perhaps no better
or worse than their way
But different
because
I am

Kristin © March 2014

Sense

How many ways
can I beat myself senseless
against all manner of obstacles?
I have been doing this all my life.
I am incredibly persistent
Often I just don’t know when to stop
The flip side of a thriving survival instinct

What lies at the heart of this?
Why do I have so much trouble
seeing when to desist
because I am only hurting myself?

If only I tried hard enough, for long enough
If I was clever enough, determined enough
Big enough, strong enough
Independent enough, perfect enough
Would they notice?
Would they love me?

I am beating myself senseless
trying to make sense
of something that has none.

Kristin © March 2014

Thinking of you both. This is such painful stuff to work at and see through. Please remember Lee, that try as you might to help facilitate relationships with or between others, you are only responsible for your own actions - you have no control over them. Sadly some families are a little bit dysfunctional but basically ok, and then there is a whole spectrum - right through to highly toxic and abusive. Working out where your own family (or family members) sit is difficult. Sometimes we find ourselves with no safe option for ourselves to have limited contact (or even none).

You are working at big stuff in relationships, and with a wonderful will to facilitate better relationships within your family. This is always one of those horse-to-water things. Whether or not the others choose to grow - you are. Unfortunately sometimes people we love are too afraid to grow and then we are left to choose between staying stuck with them or growing up (and away).

Take care of you.

Kindest regards,

Kristin

In response to: Re: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

thanks @Kristin.......
....
Yeah I'm into that spectrum..
Lee boy, you are working really hard ......your doing good.

In response to: Re: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

@Troubled_One,

Lee, you are only 31 years old, you are not your Mums and Dads age. their relationship has been through all that trial and error.........
I have 2 sons. to my horror, my youngest son is similar to my ex husbands personality......eeeekkkk...
My oldest son is like......mini me .......
Except both sons heaps more evolved and heaps more intelligent......


I think that's the natural order of life??

So, can your brother and you have a bit of fun and think who's more like who?? It would be funny......
It may be an idea to tell your Mum if you think being gentle to her might be the way to be.......
Peace dude.........

In response to: Re: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

Golly
Good powerful
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