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Something’s not right

Being misstreated

Being misstreated

This is my little rant in this forum.

I am going on 31 and have a brother about 1 year younger than me. Throughout my whole life in our family there was not much love and communication. My brother and I did get along but the majority of the time he and I would not get along and often my father and I would gang up on him and call him names and get our self esteem from this. To me as a child growing up I thought it was ok to do this and never understood what it would be like to be my brother.

My father and mother never communicated emotion and thier relationship was feuled with negative energy. This is where the trigger was I feel and where the dissharmony arose.

My mother only recently said to me that at one stage she said to my brother that my fathers opinion did not matter. To me this may have been the trigger which over time sent me off in the wrong direction. When she told me this it set off alarm bells in my head and that she never spoke to me but spoke to my brother. I think she said this was around when my brother was 14. At around 15 I started drinking and at age 17 started taking drugs. To me this seems all to coinside with each other too much to be a coincidence. When I have asked my mother why she never trusted me as a child and spoke to me she says I did until you started taking drugs. Then she says that I lost her trust but now I have it back.

My brother took drugs and drunk I know this but now I hear she said she told my brother my fathers opinion did not matter it makes me realise she put all her trust in to my brother and left me with my father. My father and I got along but our relationship is terrible, if you have read my other thread in the Our Experience and Stories forum http://saneforums.org/t5/Our-experience-stories/Living-with-depression-and-anxiety/m-p/17866#M2415my father is adopted and is very detached. I think my mother sees the side of him in me and rejects this and this is what has happened throughout my life. Neither my mother and father can seem to accept both thier childs.

Anyway that is my problem I find at the moment with my family. I find I do not get the respect and understanding I deserve.

I speak with my mother tomorrow 15/02/2015 for my birthday 16/02/2015, I will let you all know how I go.

Thanks for your support.

336 replies

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In response to: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

@PeppiPatty anne i think you are absolutely right. i am thiinking that after my letter to my brother and speaking to my mother just before and going through everything in my head, if my brother and i can come to some sort of agreement then my father and our whole family may get along better.

This is what you are saying right?

Maybe someone can put it in to better words but yes iagree with you, you are right, some understanding would be good in there. even if it is for a couple of minutes, it maymake some difference. who knows.

In response to: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

@Troubled_One

It sounds as if you are trying to be responsible, address issues, and keep connected, so I would say it cannot all be your fault.Keep a place in your heart for him but dont let it take over your whole life.

It is probably not all your families fault either. I believe the nuclear family is too small to handle all the issues and rites of passage in life. In a society that is fragmented and we dont have nice supportive villages or friends, unfortunately people needs are not met.

I see the enemy as black and white thinking. Life is full of greys and if we are lucky some colour.

In response to: Re: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

@Appleblossom if you read back there is no doubt i am not saying it is my families fault. i believe also that nothings perfect but it can be if you can be insightful on the issue.

this is the problem with my family and i am not sure what else, but i do not know until i try. i think this is what anne is saying. just some communication, even if its a little bit, may help to get some answers out of them. not just nothingness, like there always is.

In response to: Re: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

Yep @Troubled_One

I didnt think you were blaming I was just trying to be clear and say that families are under a lot of strain in today's society.

I lived in a bit of a vacuum too. Dad was dead, mum so overwhelmed with littlies that she rarely spoke to me in 10 years, except to force me to do more for the family. I knew she was genuinely busy but I was pretty young to be working and studying and baby-sitting so hard.

Sometimes we have to try and build other family-like support structures.

It was just that you expressed that you tie your future intentions to your brothers actions, and I thought that put you in a very powerless situation, so I tried to respond somehow.

In response to: Re: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

@Appleblossom no problem, i have done this the whole time. i am not sure how to not do it.. i even spoke to my dad and said i am waiting on a message from my brother, and i was not sure what to do until then. i was hoping that conversation would yeald a temporary answer. but it didnt.

i am hoping a word from him may be the difference which i have not heard yet. whether it is something i have done, or something the family is not willing to do i am yet to find out, unfortunetly.

In response to: Re: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

@Troubled_One

Life should not be this hard. For some crazy reason it is harder for some than others.

I could not separate out myself from my whole family dynamic and did not have a strong sense of an "I", as so much of life was spent as a visitor to psyche wards, being a carer concerned for the "other" became a big part of who I was.

I actually felt a feeling close to jealousy as I was never truly hospitalised. Only one psychotic break had me in leather straps at an emergency ward when I was 16. It was due to a mix between LSD and antibiotics. The upside was that I had a few outpatient appointments with shrink who told me I was ok but to get help whenever I needed it. Now I do have a better sense of an "I" but it took decades to get there.

If having a diagnosis means that one becomes a bit accountable than maybe that is a good thing, but if it means that we automatically think we blame ourselves, because something vague is wrong with us and can never trust any of our feelings or thoughts than I do not believe it has helped.

A Kenny on this site had some thoughts that seemed creative and therapuetic about his diagnosis.

In response to: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

Dont you agree, @Troubled_One and

@Appleblossom

That @lisajane is so valuable on this forum. @Former-Member thanks 😊☺😆🐹🐕🐣🐭🐂

In response to: Re: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

@Appleblossom yah, i agree it should not be this hard. i try bring myself to understand why things should be like this but they are.

with all the problems, i just let it be. what can i do. all i can do is try and fix them. i believe there are reasons for things. like we are not stuck on this earth by ourselves stupidly ridiculous ideas like that. i have a brother who is there. i intend on his actions helping. from what i have been through its not all perfect but i know it can be. so i just live like that.

@PeppiPatty anne i agree she is very nice.

In response to: Re: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

@Troubled_One

Ahhhh which of our ideas are ridiculous and which quite sane .. that is the question!

Yes there are patterns of occurence in relationship issues and in personality trait configurations .. sometimes they give a sense of meaning and destiny. I have been surprised by sense of the superstitious eg when a bird shits on my windscreen!

I have a query about your use of the word "perfect". Maybe I am used to settling for less, but I know I have been able to get more done because I am not a perfectionist. Not arguing just wondering ... I do try .. a girlfriend from work once gave me a "Practise makes purrfect" badge .. the thought of it makes me smile .. though the badge is long gone.

In response to: Re: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

Dear @Troubled_One

Im just very tired and will get back to you in a few days. Your cool for contacting your brother on email. Unfortunately, he is not used to 'family,' or 'brother,'

This is what matters Lee your brother....hood.

Your Mum and Dad will work that out one day. I remember one year, my son was goi g through a very bad time and i spoke to my youngest son that he needed to be right there but he needed to just listen and take a back step while this time was going on. So..... foe 6 weeks, my youngest son stayed quiet and let him be the one who talked. The outcome is that they both show huge respect to each other and are close.

It feels like you didnt have that chance when you were younger. To know or to give each other dynamic times of respect.

How can you start it now? Do you both like say.......having coffee together or playing cards or something ?

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