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Being misstreated

Being misstreated

This is my little rant in this forum.

I am going on 31 and have a brother about 1 year younger than me. Throughout my whole life in our family there was not much love and communication. My brother and I did get along but the majority of the time he and I would not get along and often my father and I would gang up on him and call him names and get our self esteem from this. To me as a child growing up I thought it was ok to do this and never understood what it would be like to be my brother.

My father and mother never communicated emotion and thier relationship was feuled with negative energy. This is where the trigger was I feel and where the dissharmony arose.

My mother only recently said to me that at one stage she said to my brother that my fathers opinion did not matter. To me this may have been the trigger which over time sent me off in the wrong direction. When she told me this it set off alarm bells in my head and that she never spoke to me but spoke to my brother. I think she said this was around when my brother was 14. At around 15 I started drinking and at age 17 started taking drugs. To me this seems all to coinside with each other too much to be a coincidence. When I have asked my mother why she never trusted me as a child and spoke to me she says I did until you started taking drugs. Then she says that I lost her trust but now I have it back.

My brother took drugs and drunk I know this but now I hear she said she told my brother my fathers opinion did not matter it makes me realise she put all her trust in to my brother and left me with my father. My father and I got along but our relationship is terrible, if you have read my other thread in the Our Experience and Stories forum http://saneforums.org/t5/Our-experience-stories/Living-with-depression-and-anxiety/m-p/17866#M2415my father is adopted and is very detached. I think my mother sees the side of him in me and rejects this and this is what has happened throughout my life. Neither my mother and father can seem to accept both thier childs.

Anyway that is my problem I find at the moment with my family. I find I do not get the respect and understanding I deserve.

I speak with my mother tomorrow 15/02/2015 for my birthday 16/02/2015, I will let you all know how I go.

Thanks for your support.

336 replies

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In response to: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

yah anne, i get the picture now, it is coming clear. i felt it with my father last night, the connection, also with my psychologist.

things are working. well atleast enough for me to realise that i can take a break, i see whats happening now.

In response to: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

@PeppiPattyanne thanks for your concern about me. for the last few days i have been feeling very anxious panicy and like my throat is about to close off. i have seen the gp and have got on a better diet but i still think there is some issue with my brother and family. i will break it down for you.

i have been trying to contact my brother for the last few days but he is busy etc and i have been messaging him, on and off to try and get him to talk to me. i have been saying i need to talk and some times not to talk, i am unsure whether to talk to him or not, but now i think i do need to.

the only problem is is that i feel like he may never call and talk. its about understanding and we have not talked about that and i feel like that and a few other things are still not working in our family.

what should i do?

In response to: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

How do talk to your family knowing that your family criticizes and does not support you emotionally???

In response to: Re: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

Dear Lee,

Yes i do hope your coping. Im So Pleased that you went to see the GP because .....how an our friendship work if you didnt think about yourself?

Sometimes old memories come up ...when your doing a Good Job with ylur family. FOR instance......how alone you felt wnen your a little boy. Now you may feel it and becahse you are more evolved and more older, it comes up but you think yojr ill. Your throat closes up. You think your brother isnt close to you.

I personally feel thT yluve been missing your brother for many yeRs. Maybe you can write him a note on email or something to tell him you missed hkm for many years and sometimes you just need tl cal. Jjst to remamber hes in ylur life ?

Thanks Lee, your a beautiful special guy !

.h

In response to: Re: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

if your brother does not want to communicate there is little use in forcing the issue.

I have a sister like that, possibly caused by a similar family dynamic. Unfortunately, I have had to accept and let go.

What you can control is your actions. I had problems with not speaking for a long time.I was often hoarse and croaky on the rare times i needed to talk in everyday life. In my late 30s I discovered singing. It kept my throat open and me vocalising and gave me a life.

Good luck with your brother, but more importantly stay connected with yourself.

In response to: Re: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

I also agree with Appleblossom, the only person we can control is ourselves. Perhaps your brother is struggling with his own issues (possibly anxiety like you etc?) and cant cope with this situation right now. Maybe you could let him know that you would like to talk and that if he's not able to right now then that disappoints you but that you feel you have 'chased' him enough and the ball is now in his court to decide if he wants to continue the relationship. If he doesnt want a relationship at the end of the day, there isnt much you can do about it except look after yourself. I know youve worked really hard on bringing your family back together, and you should be proud of what you have tried to do. Families are complex and everyone will have their own perspectives, angers, frustrations, hopes and aspirations that are all different. Now that you have let them know what your hopes are you have allowed yourself to be honest with them, unfortunately this doesnt always meant that there will be a reciprocation. Be kind to yourself, try to have some timeout with other friends and enjoy some other parts of your life as well,

LJ

In response to: Re: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

@Djneeshayes this is what i am struggling iwth at the moment. look back on my conversaation, and even @PeppiPatty conversation here Dealing with a problem creatively. for ideas on what to do.

@PeppiPattyYes anne, i suspect the visit by the gp was what held me together abit, perhaps some support.

I value your comments so much because i go to my family and they do not know anything or what to do. that is why i come here for the support and ideas on what to do.

@Appleblossomthanks for the encouragment. i understand it is about me and is why i came here to be reassured of that.

@Former-MemberI really appreciate those words lisajane, is why i came here because i feel so lost, like i do not know whether to call my brother or not, and should i get upset about that, or is everything my fault.

I apprecaite these words from everyone and gives me some hope of getting through my life.

In response to: Re: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

I also feel lost and alone and overwhelmed. The world is a difficult place to navigate, the paths are always moving, changing and even disappearing at times. Every choice creates a new path.. i guess we just need to mindful of the choices we make.. and remember that we can always make new choices if we change our minds.

🙂 LJ

In response to: Re: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

@PeppiPatty Anne i wrote my brother a msg and a email saying i would email him a letter of what i am thinking. i wrote that letter a few moments ago, just about understanding and how i am not sure if that is working in our family. and to give him time to think over what i am thinking and get back to me on that.

@Former-Member yeah, i feel for me it is about understanding at the moment but yes things are complex as you said lisajane and i am having a hard time understanding what to do.

i feel this is right and is why i have been stressing this whole time.

Now i am just concerned will anything ever happen?

also i am suffering from not much rest and sleep, and this darn leg of mine. being at my fathers is a hard time, but i feel he knows whats going on. i am just not sure if i should do anything about this or should i leave it. its like my father knows whats going on but just ignores it. i do not know what to do until my brother gets in conact with me.

In response to: Re: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

So @Troubled_One lee,

Your important for Sane forums☺

because you understand communication....,in that its not all about what you can get from someone ( a house, a car ) but its about someone focusing on you ....for even 2 minutes and you understanding what is good for you to be more of a whole being.

Can someone else write what i wrote better ?

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