Being misstreated

Hey @NikNik I rang lifeline and the lady listened to what I had to say.

She asked me how I felt and I said I feel shut out and she said similar lines to what you said. I am stuck and I need to look forward and not be judgemental on that time. If I did not notice it then no one else noticed it to.

I am seeing a psychologist about this but it is a matter of time and working through it like I am on the forums.

I am still stuck on the fact that no one else mentioned that I was thinking the wrong thing and things would not work out if I went down the path I did at the time when we organised getting together as a family.

Hey @NikNik thanks for the kind words.

I am taking the steps it just a matter of time like you said.

So,

I think I know where I have been getting stuck.

When everything was organised to get my brother to come down to say we trust each other with the family, everything was organised, I told my father and then he started acting differently. In my mind I did not take notice of this and figured all I had to do was hold on a little longer than what I wanted.

I did not consider anything about my mothers behaviour because I do not live with her and thought she would want things to work as well and let things go and for my brother to come down on a tuesday and not on a sunday.

My point is is that when ever I am included in the family they post pone my feelings and emotions for days until I am validated and by that time my brother is held in high praise and I am left to hold on for those days only to be praised for a second.

I think if I knew my mother changed her behaviour as well I would have said something before things did not work out.

I feel like the trust in our family is just on the edge and my family expect me to ride this all the time with thier lives organised how they like.

Ok deep breath...

Hey Lee @Troubled_One,

It sounds to me like you are looking to blame yourself (or someone) for this not working how and when you tried it. Maybe no-one is to blame. Please be very compassionate with yourself. You have a beautiful heart. You have not just gone out to do this for yourself, but also for your family. It hasn't worked - yet. That doesn't mean it won't - eventually. Meaningful change takes time, sometimes lots - years.

When things go wrong in adult relationships I think generally it's about a 50/50 thing in terms of responsibility for the "failure" (which is always an opportunity to learn). However any sort of power relationship - family, financial, employment, bureaucratic, social, medical - causes an imbalance, meaning it is skewed away from 50/50. But we always bring ourselves and our "stuff" even if it's just 10% (and it's still an opportunity to learn). The only relationships where I think it's 0/100 is when one person is completely vulnerable to the other - like a child or someone who is imprisoned (like in extreme examples of domestic violence).

I don't actually think you were wrong to try what you did. I think you showed tremendous courage and love. That it failed to work as you hoped does not mean you failed. The reasons for it failing at this point are probably many and complex. I'd encourage you to be compassionate with yourself for beginning what is very long-term healing work, and with your family that they apparently are just not ready (and may never be).

Hope for a way forward endures...

Kindest regards,

Kristin

Hey @kristin I competely understand what you are saying and today was thinking along the same lines that perhaps things are not as bad as I thought.

I am looking back at the last few months and thinking this may be horrible for months to come but today seemed to not work out that way. I still have the problems but all I can do is work with what I have.

I spoke to my mother and father about things and that seemed to help. I am also speaking to my brother tonight about what happened and perhaps where we went wrong.

Hey @kristin@PeppiPatty@NikNik I thought I would mention you guys to see if you could help me.

Since when I thought I would get my family together and talk about trust since then because it has not worked out I feel like I am back at square one but only have nothing to show and everything has failed.

I had a clear thought process in mind and was focused on my brother and my family and that once we got together things would work out. Because I made a mistake and did not consider my mother may not be meaning what she says and so is my father I have battled for months to finally realise where I stuffed up.

I feel like all the feeling and emotion I have put in is now exhausted and do not know how to get back to that clear mind set where things could work out.

Any Suggestions?

I also am confused that everything fell apart to here coincidently and finally I figure out where I went wrong but its like I was to late and now nothing means anything.

Also I do not think I am crazy because my brother would always call or things would always work out that they would fall apart before things meant anything, I dunno.

Hello @Troubled_One,

Hope you dont mind me butting in here- but your story made me curious.

What was the underlining issue with your family? i read back quite a few pages but not to the very beginning- i realised i could just ask you right out and that may save some time- and help me understand too.

I do like it how you have been trying so hard to re connect with your family. Family is hard, some people get along, some dont, some lie, some will do any thing for you lol and others just wont stay out of your business

From Baboo 🙂