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Being misstreated

Being misstreated

This is my little rant in this forum.

I am going on 31 and have a brother about 1 year younger than me. Throughout my whole life in our family there was not much love and communication. My brother and I did get along but the majority of the time he and I would not get along and often my father and I would gang up on him and call him names and get our self esteem from this. To me as a child growing up I thought it was ok to do this and never understood what it would be like to be my brother.

My father and mother never communicated emotion and thier relationship was feuled with negative energy. This is where the trigger was I feel and where the dissharmony arose.

My mother only recently said to me that at one stage she said to my brother that my fathers opinion did not matter. To me this may have been the trigger which over time sent me off in the wrong direction. When she told me this it set off alarm bells in my head and that she never spoke to me but spoke to my brother. I think she said this was around when my brother was 14. At around 15 I started drinking and at age 17 started taking drugs. To me this seems all to coinside with each other too much to be a coincidence. When I have asked my mother why she never trusted me as a child and spoke to me she says I did until you started taking drugs. Then she says that I lost her trust but now I have it back.

My brother took drugs and drunk I know this but now I hear she said she told my brother my fathers opinion did not matter it makes me realise she put all her trust in to my brother and left me with my father. My father and I got along but our relationship is terrible, if you have read my other thread in the Our Experience and Stories forum http://saneforums.org/t5/Our-experience-stories/Living-with-depression-and-anxiety/m-p/17866#M2415my father is adopted and is very detached. I think my mother sees the side of him in me and rejects this and this is what has happened throughout my life. Neither my mother and father can seem to accept both thier childs.

Anyway that is my problem I find at the moment with my family. I find I do not get the respect and understanding I deserve.

I speak with my mother tomorrow 15/02/2015 for my birthday 16/02/2015, I will let you all know how I go.

Thanks for your support.

336 replies

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In response to: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

Dearest @Troubled_One,

@Kriatin or @redhead @Alessandra1992 @Former-Member might be better at answering this than me. People who are more 'With it' in dynamic family relationships. I'm more about the ' power in one,' but @Former-Member knows about living in 2 different areas.....

Personally though ; who would you rather have issues with ?
It seems like to me that Lee this new relationship with your brother has more

In response to: Re: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

Hi @Troubled_One and @PeppiPatty

I'm not the greatest on any sort of relationship advice, but i do know the when i tend to worry over something that has happened, something i've said, someone else has said, or a 'look' that someone gave me i tend to worry about every single possibility that could have been, could be or might happen in every alternate reality that could exist... and the problems get ten times larger... I'm not saying that thats the case for you Lee and ive got no relationships with a single blood relative so as i said probably not someone to listen too! And of course your experience with your brother both recent and past gives you so much more information about the situation. I hope you find osme peace in the situation somehow,

LJ

In response to: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

Potential of growth than your other family relationships. I would also be feeling like you re; your brother and arguing with him. It feels like it was a death when he left your life for so long.

I feel that he loves you just as much as you love him. Lee, you have worked very hard since saying good day to Sane forums. I'm sure everyone will agree.

As I do not have an all round feeling of ' family,' I am hesitant to write anything except that what @keiatin wrote several messages ago and that is that you should never have been thinking that you are the family therapist.

Is this right @kristin ?

And that you and your brother
Your more evolved
Staying in the present
Just knowing you can trust each other.
Laugh with ECG other who is the same as or who's different as.

I remember when 31 that I was obsessed with how much I hate my Mum but I had to admit that there are elements of my personality which are the same.

In response to: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

But @Former-Member Lee 's brother has also been isolated from family and haven't you just moved to the city ?

I always find your messages kind compassionate and on issue. I'm jaded and tired. Lol lol

In response to: Re: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

Ok, thanks for the kind words @Former-Member and @PeppiPatty

All this that you are saying is true, I believe how things are is how they are. But is like I finally want things to work in my family how I believe my parents want. When I get that from them they are then turning around and saying ooh no we do not want that.

I feel they do this because of my brother, because his view on my father is so negative. I can even recall all the times my brother calls just after I feel things get out of control with my parents.

So they are trying to run things to my time the time they expect of me but also trying to satisfy my brothers every need.

In response to: Re: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

@PeppiPattyYes my brother has been away from my family for around 10 years. I moved back to my fathers only 6 months ago.

In response to: Re: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

Its so hard when people are maybe all trying to smooth things over iwth everyone and maybe your parents trying to keep everyone happy maybe? (and perhaps not wanting to lose you or you brother?). At least, from what i think i hear you saying, it means that everyone does want to develop or redevelop the connections in the family. 11 years is a long time to have been ... away. You're in a hard position because you can't force everyone to come together openly, rationally and honestly... and the only one you can control is you. I'm not sure if this is possible but maybe there is someway that you could list the things that you have control of right now, speaking/not speaking to your brother, writing him a letter about the argument you had, even writing/talking to your parents about how you see them reacting to things in ways that are different to the values you believe they have over what a family should be. I'm not sure.. Sounds like a really difficult situation to be in. Do look after you as well though. If you can, make sure that you get some away time from family doing fun things for you that take your mind off of this stuff to give yorself a bit of a breather.. and as my psychologist has told me a gazillion times, holding the weight of all the problems up on my back isnt going to solve those problems, so its ok to put them down for a while so that my muscles get a break to be able to pick them back up again when i can.

LJ

In response to: Re: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

@PeppiPatty - ive never seen anything you've written look jaded or tired, more compassionate, understanding and i like your open mindedness about things. I dont often see the more positive side of thigns that you do 🙂

And i did just move from a country area to another larger country place near Mt Gambier in the south east of SA 🙂 Not quite a city but MT G claims to be one 😄

LJ

In response to: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

Dear Lee,

I'm sorry to hear about the argument with your brother. If you think he took offence at what you said maybe you could just say to him (email/text/phone?): hey I'm sorry I meant it as a suggestion but maybe it came out all wrong. I want us to have a relationship - to be able to be friends?

If you want it to stop then try taking it back to the start and mend the misunderstanding if you can. Maybe in future try "I" statements rather than "you" statements. Eg. "I sometimes feel like life has become so busy that maybe there isn't much time for family" or "I really wish we could spend a bit more time together getting to know each other again." These are just my stress-fogged brain making a few rough suggestions, hopefuly you will get the idea.

Anne may be spot on when she says your parents may be afgraid of losing either or both of you.

Another thing Lee, these things take time - lots of it. Please be gentle with you and them - too much haste and it will do more harm than good. Long-term change takes that: the long term. (There's a quote by Thomas More about change taking time in this thread.)

Take care of you.

Kindest regards,

Kristin

In response to: Re: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

In the arguement he called me dissgusting.

I am sorry but I can not get over that I need a appology. I feel he gets that from mum that he is high above me.

I think anne is right too that my mother does not want to lose either of us, but is willing to torment me in order to make this happen.

"Care of the soul observes the paradox whereby a muscled, strong-willed pursuit of change can actually stand in the way of substantive transformation."

This quote describes exactly what I am trying to achieve.

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