The me no one knows - SI warning

Hi @AlwaysMyself Im not long home. was nice part of the drive being near the coast. I thoroughly enjoy sitting watching the waves, so relaxing also

Prior to going to my appointment I’ve spent most of the day moving things and assembling chrome shelving units. Need to cut sone mdf to fit onto the shelves before can do much more with the newly assembling units. Then working out which shelving unit is going where in front bedroom. Hoping they will hold all of one hobby plus have bit of spare room.

I like learning things about people. Hobbies, interests, aspects of their past including prior generations. Can be surprising things that can be learned that way.

few years ago I saw dietician that has special interest in GI issues. I mainly adhere to her food recommendations. Only fruit I can eat are melons. Only couple specific brands of yoghurt and have to space out days I can have them. Nothing spicy or that naturally acidic. Only one type of bread. I’ve good variety of vegetables I can eat, thank goodness.

with your GI issues, gastroenterologist appointment?

prefer not to say “company” name, you might guess. I worked in customer service area for approx 20yrs and had to adhere to privacy rulings. Not sharing things comes auto. Sharing things on here allows anyone to read it, can be tricky. I’ve done things in the past that almost no one knows about. I did things without any thought for my safety.

I have unusual interests that lot of people don’t get. I’m 100% ok with that, everyone has the right to their own interests, view and opinions (provided it doesn’t involve any type of discrimination or cruelty). From same perspective, I don’t judge people.

uncovering the me without a mask - I haven’t the slightest idea where to start. Been wearing a mask well before I turn 10. Until late primary school I shared bedroom with my parents, walls were bare boards without trims (eg no paint, no skirting boards etc.

Is it tomorrow the community team are coming to meet you and see what they can do to assist @AlwaysMyself

appointment went ok, different than I was expecting. Nothing to worry about though or worth talking about

Your comment “many people shun” has me curious. No pressure to share anything though

im not looking forward to next 3 days. Approx 40 degrees predicted for tomorrow, high 20’s for Thursday and high 30’s for Friday.

ive got 9am appointment on Friday with pain management doctor. Approx 45mins one way plus decent walk from car park.

have was your day?

Hi @Flutterbug9 , i read your post earlier but set it aside to respond to properly later as I have been not great. But had a friend come over this evening, so that was good safe company.

Im glad the appointment went well. Its totally ok to take it slow and build trust slowly and only talk about things when you feel ready.

I hope the shelving all fits in the room as you hope. 😊 i read on another thread what it is for displaying 😉 - not the specific pieces, but the general item theme.

I much prefer learning through conversation than through textbooks. 😊 whether it is history, facts or skills.

Yes, gastroenterologist i saw a few months ago and had the "double-ended" scoping shall we shall. Nothing abnormal seen from the initial report i was given, other than polyp removals. I assume biopsy came back normal as i havent heard otherwise. I read that chilli is bad for reflux, but since i dont eat chilli that doesnt change anything for me. But i have had to stop drinking cola because it was.setting it off really bad i found. I have had my chronic reflux disease for nearly 4 years now, since an adverse medication reaction.

It sounds like your food range is fairly restricted ☹️. Is it something you *feel* is restrictive, or something you are used to and happy with the foods you eat regularly now that you dont mind?

I like taxidermy. I see it as preserving nature when it passes. Preserving that beauty, and the fur too. Many people think this is horrific and cannot fathom how taxidermy can be a positive (not macarbe) thing for appreciating nature. They dont see how i can also love animals. I have 2 rats that I did. I was going to also do a rabbit (which was hunted through humane culling programs and used for dog meat) but i didnt have the time and figure out what home-tanning solution i could use, as i wanted to try a soft-mount instead of a hard-inside foam. There is not a lot of information on doing taxidermy, and most of the recipes for soft-tanning of skins takes a lot of work and effort and space, all of which i dont have capacity for.

That is i suppose my second-most "shunned" thought/interest. My most shunned... well... i guess it is related to seeing humans as a type of animal i guess. But i put a lot of ethical bounds on this concept because humans have the ability to think, reason, consent and communicate consent.

I wonder what that was like, sharing a room with parents?

No sneaking reading books under the covers in bed after lights out, eh!

I'm guessing it must have been a very small home?

I shared a room with my sister until sometime in mid or late primary school. I cannot remember when.

My appointment with the community MH people was today. I might write more about it tomorrow. I am finally feeling tired/sleepy. Writing this posst to you has helped shift my mood from sad and SI-grief to now just calm sleepy that i should be able to fall alseep. 😊 this is a good thing.

Nice to hear you were feeling calm following chatting with me. Maybe combination of spending time with your friend plus sensing you can share anything with me helped lighten the way you were feeling @AlwaysMyself

based on things said toward end of previous appointment with psychologist I was expecting, and prepared, to start working on my goals. Instead things went from talking about Christmas last mth to “memories” from childhood which saw me in tears to my concerns/fears about having the cats and my SI plus the positive affirmations I post in different thread on here. (I have no idea what “memories” are actually what I remember versus what things my mind has created based on things I’ve been told).

psychologist did say she’s enjoying our chats plus getting to know me. I’m waiting to see if something she said would like to chat about at next appointment happens or not. Sitting in psychologist room I’m relaxed plus she has different way of approaching things, so far. Do I trust her yet - No!

Links showing some items for one hobby. Titanic currently only one I’ve got space for.

Bears

Bears 2

Boats

Approx 20years after they were married my parents continued living in a house that was only partly built. House plans (which I have amongst other documents) show house was intended to have 3 bedrooms, kitchen, lounge etc. only the 3 bedrooms had been built (plus maybe bathroom and laundry), one used as lounge combined dining room, one as kitchen, one as bedroom.
I knew the house was different than other people’s, to me that was my”normal”.

apparently my mother was the driving force behind the actual kitchen (and subsequently the lounge room) being built, only as I was approaching puberty and that I needed my own room.

Approx 11yo and I had my own unpainted, unfinished room that I “shared” with cupboards that were there from when room was the kitchen. A room that had no floor coverings or power points. An 11yo girl who had no idea what becoming a teenager meant and had in store for me.

taxidermy isn’t my type of thing, ie something I have no interest in personally doing. From the small amount of knowledge I have, it’s a very specialised area requiring patience and eye for detail. I’ve read that some people have found having a beloved pet preserved through taxidermy to have been beneficial for them. Even through the pet is no longer living, in a way the pet is still with them.

viewing people as animals, I have my own views and opinions along those lines that some people disagree agree with. In one aspect of viewing things on this plant everything is classified as Animal, Vegetable or Mineral.

ive had to assess and change things I can eat or drink twice during my adult life, first due to regularly getting migraines, second due to severe intergestion plus diagnosis of IBS and lactose intolerance. Initially it was working out what I could eat without any issues plus having to accept this is another ongoing health condition. Edit: hot days are challenging as I can’t risk eating salad items and have to be careful which meat from deli I buy

Diagnosis was about 15yrs ago. Since then have get used to not being able to eat and drink certain things. I try to stick to gluten free foods and have learnt my levels with things that I have intolerance to.

I’ve got various physical health conditions and take either script or OTC meds for. Each 3mths I have blood tests plus ecg as part of monitoring levels of different things. Due to no longer being able to view the results of blood tests I’m reliant on my GP monitoring the levels, especially my neutrophils. Hoping to find out next month if I go onto injections instead of one of the OTC tablets.

better get these tests done so I can have something to eat and get something done before gets any hotter. 9:40am and already 30 degrees outside. Way too hot for me

I tend to not go into details first time mentioning almost anything. Was raised to always consider other people’s feelings. There is one part of my story I have found freaks lot of people or I’m not believed, relatives I’m spoken with about these couple of things look at me like I’m making things up, tend to not talk about those items anymore. Don’t let that stop you asking questions, if you want to know more please feel free. If you ask a question I’m not ok about answer, I will move onto something else

@Flutterbug9 🥰 i really cherish your trust and openness. And yep, im always ok with being asked questions too and i'll just not answer any i dont feel OK to share about. 🥰

I so relate to you comment about "memories"

"I have no idea what “memories” are actually what I remember versus what things my mind has created based on things I’ve been told."

Most of my knowledge of my childhood is from stories ive been told i think. Not my own memories. Only very few snapshots of true memory for me. And sometimes i wonder if they are real or not.

One thing i thought was a dream until my sister told me she remembered it happening.

G2g - friend arrived. Post more reply later. Not finished yet lol.

Hello @Flutterbug9 my sweet, how are you going?

Hi @MissGremlin

I’m hot, cool breeze starting to come through back door, thank goodness.

tired, been few consecutive late nights where brain won’t switch off when in bed. No thoughts which I’m relieved about. Hard to explain. Feels like looking into a weak light, even though my eyes are closed.

if take me sleep meds (which I did couple days ago) I feel only half awake for most of the morning.

regular 3mthly blood test yesterday, something my gp does plus with being chronic neutropenic, specialist has requested regular blood tests. Review with pain management Dr early tomorrow plus appointment for regular ecg at noon.

Ive started reorganising my front room ( aka as study combined craft and hobby room, junk room 😂) which I need to continue working on. Mentally tiring due to my mind coming up with lots and lots of thoughts. Took some photos this morning and I’ve now got few thoughts relating to one cabinet swirling around in my head. One good thing, I’ve had no SI or SH since starting.

how are things with you?

any update on possibly doing Telehealth appointments again?

how is Stella going? How are the 2 dogs getting along?

@Flutterbug9 glad you have a cool breeze starting to come through, hoping you can cool down soon. It was 30⁰ at 5.39am this morning here but no breeze today.

That's frustrating about the late nights, I struggle with being able to switch my brain off so I can very much relate. I know the exact feeling, its what happens to me like looking into a weak light. Hmmm now it's got me curious if it's called something. Glad for no thoughts though that's awesome.

That could possibly be cos you haven't had enough sleep so the meds are still in your system. Nothing worse than feeling half awake.

Hope all blood tests and the ecg come back all ok for you sweet.

Oohhh reorganising the room sounds like fun, alot of work but a really good distraction by the sounds of it especially if it's keeping those SI and SH thoughts away.

I am feeling very tired today as I couldn't go to sleep until 2.15am and then woke at 5am. I had SI and urges to SH all day and night yesterday (I'm safe) but i managed to make it through.

Unfortunately the service couldn't help me with phone appointments so I've got to try to find somewhere else that will but honestly I've exhausted all the options around my area.

Stella is doing well, they have been having lots of fun playing together ☺️

@MissGremlin You mentioned about in your area.

could totally different area be a possible?

One of these might help find a provider that does Telehealth

https://www.ranzcp.org/college-committees/public-partners/find-a-psychiatrist

https://www.yourhealthinmind.org/find-a-psychiatrist#:~:text=To%20find%20a%20psychiatrist%2C%20enter,details%20below%20and%20click%20Search&text=Australia&text=New%20Zealand&text=Location&text=OR&text=Only%20show%20psychiatrists%20who%20offer,telehealth%20(Any%20location)

search page for 2nd website has area to select to search for providers who ONLY do telehealth

with my front room as it’s been I’ve got 2 completed Lego ships and no where to put them, plus the 5cm high mini brick cats and dogs I’ve done. I use chrome shelving units onto which I put mdf on each shelf. Apart from 45cm square shelving units I bought last weekend, they all are on sturdy, lockable castor wheels

Hang in there. Minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, week by week. As a community, we will help you get through. 💜🤗

@Flutterbug9 thankyou for those 2 links.

I had someone ring me out of the blue yesterday, I did a group with them several years ago. Anyway she asked how I was going and I said that I've been struggling to get support for my mental health, she instantly said 'right how can I help, what support do you need'. So she's got the team there ringing psychologists today that bulkbill and do telehealth to find out if they have the capacity to take me on. I'm really hoping they can find someone for me.

Ooohh i love the lego ships, hopefully you can find somewhere to put them eventually. I've done a few of the mini brick sets, I have Mickey and Minnie mouse ones ☺️. All my Lego sets other than the few I've done within the last year are broken down into pieces, i don't have room to display them anywhere.

Thankyou sweet, i am hanging in there the best I can and I'm so thankful for the community here ❤️