The me no one knows - SI warning

@Flutterbug9 very very relatable experience with mood drop even after short OK during engagement activities and the feeling of "why does it matter".

Hace read and will respond properly later!! 💜🤗🤗🤗 just got to get up and get dressed and maybe get myself out of the house first. If i do go out then i will respond when i sit down for a break (because i know thats going to happen with my chronic fatigue 😅 or else i'll end up in a horrible puddle later in the day).

I think i need to get up and go out whilst i still have any form of emotional ability to push myself to without it being a big negative thing to do! 😅

@Flutterbug9 well, im ready to go out now. But mum is interested to come too (which is good) so now she will get ready 😅. So i can reply now while waiting, since i wont have a chance later as i will be with her while resting.

I wish there was an easily solution for you @Flutterbug9 ; for both of us!

Persistant anhedonia is a $%#%@.

I am glad you get some brief relief while doing things like the Mexican Trains, but absolutely understand the "crash" or at-best return to normal state within even 1 minute of ceasing.

I recognised this pattern in myself when i was 13 that any brief interest while occupied with a close friend or activity was instantly gone afterwards. I couldnt even really remember what it felt like when having those "neutral-positive" times.

Oop got to go!

More to come later!

That was such a young age 😢

things that keep my mind and hands occupied with things that grab my attention me @AlwaysMyself. I’ve decided to stick with Mexican Trains, croquet and trivia. All have added benefits. Trivia speaks for itself. Mexican trains and croquet, even though played socially, have a degree of competitiveness which my mind thrives on.

3rd appointment with psychologist who says to me, “is that a smile I see. You hardly smile, do you?” Was said in same calm relaxed tone she uses almost all the time.

things with the buildings for the train layout, ask away.

Did you and your mum get to the Shakespeare production? If yes, what did you think of it? Was it worth going to?

understand this might sound strange, it’s how my mind works though. When people click ‘support button’ and nothing else, it’s common thing for my mind to go through loops with lots of why questions. It’s similar to not being able to work out emotions in written word. My mind in both these situations struggles with. Struggles to understand, to work out the possible reason/s. I appreciate you mentioning about the support button and, possibly, replying at a later time. That makes sense 🙂💜

personal question (let me know if prefer not to answer), what age (or age bracket) are you?

I am back from my outing and wound-down/re-regulated (more about that in separate post).

So part 2 reply @Flutterbug9 from earlier.

Having cats present - and doubling as a weight for positive compression regulation - is great to hear that helps 😊🥰.

Avoiding certain places/roads is smart too -- but i am thinking sometimes this may be difficult if there is not other alternative route sometimes?

Thinking about your comment about the challenge between self-isolating (not great for depression often) but also then when getting out and being active resulting in rise & fall of moods... its a tough one! And as i say, something i've noticed in myself too.

My only helpful thoughts is around whether there are things that can be identified (trial, refection, observation, etc) that may be contributing the to "fall" afterwards. I see you have already starting reflecting on the current activites 😊 and which ones you prefer and why (trivia, croquet and mexican trains) - super good!! 😍🥰.

I'll share what i suspect contributes to my "falls" afterwards, just as food for thought. (Sometimes things resonate and sometimes they dont. Im surprised how often i read something and it puts a finger on something i havent been able to describe or nail!)

For me i suspect:

- social interaction with forced conversation / little interest

- social interaction with other person low-responsive (dont equally "carry" it)

- "high energy" environments

- loud noises or constant noise

- crowded places

- people doing illogical or oblivious things that impact me

- anything that leads to physical fatigue or pain

- certain sensory things im realising (eg swimming -- its the wet/damp skin and clingy clothes!)

- staying too long (not checking-in with how i feel and then being able to leave if/when i am no longer liking it)

I'm not sure yet how i can put all those things into practice and still find a social thing that fits me 😅 other than 1:1 coffee with a friend who i click with (and those friends? They're either not local, unsocial or too busy darn it!)

But i think i need to brainstorm what *can* fit those criteria, and then see if maybe i dont crash quite as much. 🤔

Your daily routines sounds/feels like mine. Except i am not currently keeping a list of things to do because theyre more longterm big things but i probably still should, just so i can chunk it into a single step and set a single step as a goal for the day. But most of my days have 1-2 appointments.

Can i ask what are the current "worst" symptoms for you with MH?

Anhedonia and the up/down crashes, i'm hearing. Is the "why bother, nothing matters" part of the anhedonia do you think? Or without anhedonia do you think you'd still have the existential crisis feeling/thoughts? 🤔

...other worst symptoms currently that are making every day really hard? (E.g. anxiety - making it hard to engage? Making social things more exhausting? Making brain exhaused from constant thinking and worry and second-guessing?)

I like "making things" @Flutterbug9 because it keeps my hands/doing whilst also developing/learning/improving a skill. Plus when in a social context its also not pressured to maintain a conversation! And conversation can just naturally flow - incl commentary on the activity. I dont care if its craft, woodwork, cake decorating, etc. Its all making things to me.

I like "friendly competition" or improvement-of-skills. I like competition if its joking and teasing regardless of who wins 🥰 😋. I dont mind if others are competitive as long as its not excessive or they expect others to be as "serious" about winning as they are. Sadly the people i used to do trivia with were very serious about winning and took the fun out of it ☹️; its also not uncommon in some boardgame circles too - but people get to know who to avoid if want a more relaxed and friendly competition game. The hyper-competitive are often VERY good players though! (But there are also some very good players who win comps that are friendly relaxed social players too 🥰. People come in all sorts!)

I will post about Shakespeare and my outing today separately - maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow. But very much "sensory overwhelm" 😵‍💫.

@MissGremlin i suspect similar age to you?

But dont need to say! 😊

@AlwaysMyself I refuse to act my age, I'm a big kid at heart.

@MissGremlin 😆 we can all be however old we like at heart 🥰.

I have a grouping of friends that are similar age to me (within a year; some by coincidence, some due to school friends) and then i have more than half my friends that i see f2f which are all older than you! 😋 not too many over 70, but one that i would still call a friend even though i dont see/hear from her since her social media account was hacked and not recovered (and she lives very far away from me).

@AlwaysMyself very true ☺️.

I only have one friend that's younger than me, the rest (ok only 3 other people) are all older than me by several years. That's sad that her account was hacked and that you don't hear from her anymore 😞