The me no one knows - SI warning

Brief note before I head to lawn bowls session this morning @Chasingsunsets

last couple of weeks have one thing on top of other go wrong, constantly short notice changing of plans plus various other things that stretch me to my breaking point emotionally. Thursday morning started with some good news, didn’t feel I was crying but had tears streaming down my face from the relief. Late morning and early afternoon all that reversed and everything came crashing down around me again.

i struggle to retain the feeling of enjoyment from things. About 90 sec walk to my car Thursday night and I felt the emptiness hit.

I have a ginger and white male and a black tortoise and white female. Due to their age when they were turned into a vet as “lost kittens” the vet deemed them to be siblings. Two scrawny little tings not much more than skin and bone and were 2mths old. I adopted them when they were 4 mths old, both had grown a lot but were still small for their age. That’s not a problem now.

my mum used to tell me my parents owned a 2 person tent which had enough room for my cot to be between the folding beds. Apparently couple days before we headed for home I was very grizzly and was seen by a Dr in that area.

i haven’t been camping for many years now, the body of mine wouldn’t cope anymore due to physical health issues. Last time I went camping was a scout and guide get together over 3 days, 2 nights. I owned a 4 person tent at that time. Only thing I didn’t like with camping was some of the places I’ve stayed only had running cold water with shower areas not fully maintained.

id definitely like to see any photos you are happy to share, thanks

each different lifestyle village has slightly different facilities, some show their facilities on their website.

this is screenshot of facilities that appears to be at a lot of lifestyle villages

we own our homes, not the land. Fortnightly rent we pay allows free access to all facilities

I’m signing off. Another busy week next week

@AlwaysMyself Thursday morning I hit my breaking point and emotionally fell apart.
About 4 enjoyable hrs out on Thursday evening. Within 2 mins of walking to my car the enjoyment had gone and was replaced with emptiness. If had followed through with my thoughts, my cats would never have seen me again. I’m safe

didnt intend to sound like I was being picky. Car was first thing that came to my mind following a recent post on my thread with which I was thinking to myself “what car, what’s happening, when, what, I’m confused and have no idea what’s going on” whilst reading the post

hope last night went well

Hugs @Flutterbug9 . Sounds like Thursday was a super hard day. Know that its OK to chat about what triggered you if it would help to do so (but i also know sometimes rehashing can just bring it all back up again in a bad way, and never expectation for you to).

I'm glad you made the decision and self-control to keep yourself safe while driving 🤗, and I'm sorry things were escallating to that point for you. 😢

Wondering how you feel now and if it has settled at all?

I don't think I'm allowed/meant to post about how I feel when I am having a "usual" thoughts day. So i'm more or less restricted to only explaining what is going on if there has been a specific trigger - like NDIS things! It's the downside of a "recovery focused" framework when living with a situation that has no real solution and is dependent upon the outcome of a future treatment that I have to wait for. The limbo. Sometimes I can find a way to make it "recovery focused" by reciting that maybe the treatment will help -- but it doesnt help me internally day to day whilst i'm in a holding pattern of waiting to try it and find out. I am a proactive person, i want to plan ahead. And i'm at a constant battle with myself about what i can or cannot allow myself to prepare for contingencies. And i also can't talk about that struggle on the forums any more than stating that "its an internal battle". Hence i often say much about how I am feeling unless there is a triggered event.

I fully get where you say about being limited to what can be said. I know that feeling to some degree, I would guess small degree as compared to yourself @AlwaysMyself

im tired of masking. Shouldn’t have to, feel I have no other option a lot of times. Can’t talk about my bad days and exactly what they are like. Closest I’ve managed to get is by semi sugar coating things. I find no joy in living, tired of life and, at times, don’t want to be here. (Watching wording for possible for trigger for anyone who might read this now or in the future). Got some cross stitch out few days ago to going working on and that’s as far as things have gone.

the hard bit Thursday day was there was no “trigger” as such. When I’m triggered I get upset ie tears, anger, rage depending on the trigger. Was nothing like that

ooh, that reminds me. Trying to get head around things in hope of getting things comfortable in my mind. With the meds in the trial, is one option you might be given the proverbial “sugar tablet” ie placebo?

Chasingsunset mentioned you started the chat about camping. Do you like or dislike camping? Regarding general chats, atm if I notice has been a day or 2 where you have not been online I’m not reaching out to you. I know with mix of health plus appointments etc. you might be get time or feel like logging in. If I notice it’s 3 or more days (unless I already know why), that’s when I will start reaching out to you, asking if things are ok etc. if you prefer me to reach out to you prior to the current 3+ days, let me know.

so easy for time and days to get away when not well or have lots of things need to attend to. I leave you to have a think and let me know. Example if I’m online on a Saturday and you that is 2nd consecutive day you have not been online, would you like me to reach out to you that day? Would you prefer (if it ever happens) it to be 3rd or 4th days before I reach out and try to touch base with you?

I don't mind if you do or don't reach out when i am absent @Flutterbug9 ; i guess i am used to being self-reliant so other people being interested is something that is nice but never something i internally feel i "need" or "demand", if that makes sense? Not even from my closest friends that i've known for over 20 years lol. When I'm not doing OK what i crave/want is simply one of those friends to sit next to me and give me a hug - but they both live elsewhere and thus can't, same as forum friends!

I realise this is likely part of autism-traits, but when i read "sitting with you" in comments i have had to learn that this is meaningful and helpful to others even though the person isnt physically present or conversing actively. To me that is such a foreign thing that somehow reading those words is a comfort 😅, but i choose to understand it as "I care, but I'm sorry I cant be there with you right now when that is what you need" and that its a sign of care. Unfortunately it still doesnt help me feel any better though 😅.

If I'm not physically, mentally or emotionally up to reading the forum i just completely ignore the emails anyway until I am - i dont even check them.

This is to say, you are welcome to check-in however often or not often as you feel 🥰. Regardless i will respond on my own schedule lol. And either way i know you care 🤗. Its always OK to post "Thinking of you" posts ☺️.

Sugar-coating things is tiring and frustraiting eh! I hear ya! I really dont like if i cant be honest, which is why i prefer to avoid or be vague at times if i dont have the energy to figure out what i can say and how. And of course - who to. As you'll notice I'm much more open and honest on your thread and mine, and slowly open up telling people more about my own experience on others thread if/when they ask or if i have something that directly relates to their experience. But very rarely on social threads - unless its a very vague one-liner of how I feel, or a positve thing of course.

100% relating to what you say about lack of joy in life and being tired and the effects that has. I believe the total anhedonia is the single most impacting thing for my depression. This is what i hope the trial can shift; because something needs to.

The trial doesnt have a sugar-pill as such, because a "non-altered experience" would be too obvious. So instead to be equivalent to a placebo for the purposes of the study they have to use another expeirence-altering medication whivh has been proven to *not* have lasting effects on mood alteration once the dose has worn-off (i.e. the up to 8 hours timeframe of being supervised). They refer to it as a "comparator".

Camping... i like camping but it is so exhausting. I also dont have people to go camping with so i have been very few times since being an independent person (ie leaving school, driving, etc). I went by myself twice in the last few years but it was so so exhausting physically. Plus i can't use my CPAP machine which probably doesnt help either with lack of energy (even though i sleep better because of the lack of lights, since i camp in remote/bush areas).

Hmm its super hard when there isnt a trigger isnt i find 🤔. I always wish i knew why some days are harder or stronger thoughts than others.

I guess sometimes all we can do is acknowledge the thoughts/feelings and tell ourself "i hear you, but that's not what I am doing to do." Or thats how i tey to manage those feelings or intrusive thoughts when there doesnt seem to be any specific trigger or further thoughts to explain why its popping up.

Not sure if that perspective helps at all?

Is there anything you've found helpul as a way of getting through (surviving!) when the random more intense thoughts/feelings arise?

@AlwaysMyself I jumped on line to post the photos below to you (before I forget again).

I’ve skimmed over the post. Will come back to it another day, read it fully and respond.

maybe we can chat about our camping experiences one day.

re reaching out to you (said with lots of humour and very light heartedly), Fine, I won’t then!! On more serious note, I was raised to treat people the way I would like to be treated. “Thinking of you” and similar might come your way at times. 💜 Means a lot to me to know you feel you can be open and honest on my thread

I’m with you 100% with doing things within one’s own timing. For the next 2 weeks starting as of tomorrow I’ll have less thahalf of that time to me, take out times for housework, shopping and sleeping, doesn’t leave huge amounts of time to continue “spring cleaning” and time for me

Lego vs scale of model trains I have

N scale Glacier express loco vs Lego personN scale Service Station vs Lego hamburger truck

At your leisure time @Flutterbug9 😊. Just continuing to tag you as requested so it is easier for you to bulk-find posts when wanting/able/time to catch up 🤗.

Those trains are so cute and small! 😍

Lego man is a perfect scale comparator because it is a universal size I know! Not like bananas which range in size.

I also really love the burger truck — so cute!

Did you build & paint your train and petrol station? Or did your ones come pre-made / pre-painted?

Sitting reading a book and I think of you, WT# 🤣🤣

answer regarding trains, all locos and carriages I buy ready to use(explain more later). Building is one of a few that were bought already fully constructed and fully painted.

why I thought of you? Well you may ask 🤪

remember you saying about claiming Centrelink payment and mention of your current leave from work. Do you know

- you might be able to lodge early claim for JSP (jobseeker payment) and DSP?

- you might be able to claim them both at the one time?

There is JSP incapacity and JSP provisional. No idea if you are aware of the eligibility and claiming differences

complete apology if you are aware of all the above

burger truck if interested . I have a donut truck and hoping to get a fries (chips) truck

@AlwaysMyself Tyme and I have talked about this as well. The activities I do appear to possibly forming as distractions only, providing me with quick acting “happy pills” which have a limited duration. What that means is I get honest enjoyment whilst I’m there but I can’t maintain it. The feelings of enjoyment don’t last longer than few minutes after the activity is finished.

how I get through random dark thoughts. (This hasn’t happened for mths now), whilst driving I have to make myself avoid certain roads. At home it involves having the cats on or beside me and/or spending hrs (sometimes almost entire days) in bed under as much weight as I can manage. Can’t remember the last time I spend in bed without overhead fan on medium setting

feel as if I’m in no win situation. Spend almost all my time self isolating same as I did last year or getting back into activities which results in rise and fall in my moods and wanting to withdraw from other things including the forums.

for mths my days are a routine of

- making a list of this to do the following day

- get up the morning with thoughts of “why bother, nothing matters”

Daily internal fight with myself to get anything done. It’s exhausting. Everything I try, nothing works.

@Flutterbug9 thank you, that is very kind of you to mention it to ensure i know 🥰.

I read i can apply for centrelink up to 13 weeks in advance, so i do hope to start that application soon - although I can't see my MH GP until 1 month anyway, but hopefully i can draft some responses to the form to make it quicker at the appointment.

I didn't realise i could apply for *both* in order to have a "back up" if the DSP is declined - thats really helpful to know! I knew i could apply for JSP w/ a medical certificate incapacity for up to 2 years (with 3mthly GP medical certs) whilst applying for the DSP / gathering evidence, etc. But since the JSP pays less than the DSP I also didn't want to delay applying for the DSP because even the weekly payment of a DSP will only just cover the weekly costs of my weekly *disability supports* (let alone food, GP, rent, meds, recreation, etc).

Concurrent application to have a "back up" application in the system too would be good.

I will have a search on "JSP provisional" vs incapacity, because I havent heard of it. I know there is JSP while you have to look for a job (or study) and JSP with a medical expemtion from seeking work (which is intended for the less-than-2-year i capacity).

I had a JSP + Sickness Allowance approx 15 years ago with a "partial capacity to work" assessment by them. I do remember that with the Partial Capacity due to my MH & fatigue I was issued a Pension consession card 🥹 which was very helpful financially for GP bulkbilling, medication prescriptions and discounted public transport. I don't think my new GP or the general GP I'm on a waitlist for gives a discount to health-care/pension cards though (or at least not advertised?), but most of the "10min appt GP clinics" here do.

Interested to hear more about the construct & paint buildings 🥰 for the trains.

I like putting together models and painting them - but they cost a lot and what do i do with it after?? 😅 so i need someone who wants to buy them and keep them but doesnt like to make or paint hahaha.

Maybe when i'm looking at alternative adhoc jobs to meet my health needs i can advertise to do model building and painting at low cost 😅 because its part recreation.

Never a rush to respond. Take as long as you like 🥰😘🤗.