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hiding behind the mask pretending nothing is wrong. Putting on brave face whilst inside I’m a shattered pieces. Feeling lost and completely alone. No one wants anything to do with me. Relatives only contact when they want something. Going to bed every night hoping to never wake again
I can understand how you feel. It’s hard having feelings like that and all the emotions. I wish I was there to help you and support you better. If you want to talk I’m always happy to listen. To help in any way I can.
Do you have any plans today? I need to engage more here.
I have medical appointments today. Will find out about the cancer. I’m being exited from mental heakth supporys as they have too many people on waiting list. They said they know I need the support but they are time limited.
In response to: Re: The me no one knows - SI warning
AlwaysMyselfSenior Contributor
Re: The me no one knows - SI warning
Hey @Cuddlebear ,
Fingers crossed for your results today. If you wish to share them after, i wpuld be interested to hear.
Which MH supports are now ceasing additionally?
Does this mean you will only have GP and the NDIS physical supoort worker now?
And no counsellor at all?
In response to: The me no one knows - SI warning
AlwaysMyselfSenior Contributor
Re: The me no one knows - SI warning
@Flutterbug9
Tunnel vision pdoc short story.
I am on my phone so i can't do any trigger warnings, but i think also prob doesnt need any.
I will ensure to clarify my father was not "abusive" and not intentionally, but he could only ever see things "his way" as the "right way".
I clashed a lot with my dad because we had different perspectives, but were both strong-willed. I think this is when my mum taught me to see from others perspectives too, and to understand intellectually how why my dad has formed his rigid views.
This part may be desired for @moderator to add a TW if they wish. I dont mind. Just cant do on phone.
My parents would use commonly-considered-appropriate-at-the-time physical punishments when we were young - early primary school and under. And my mum would *always* give a warning and count down to give us the opportunity to stop doing whatever it was that was going to lead to punishment. I don't think this was a bad thing personally, because of the age, mildness, and controlled-warning-process, etc.
However my dad did not stop using the method as we grew up. And he would not always give warning. And it wasnt alwaysin response to deliberate wrong-doing on our part - it could be because we disagreed verbally. And he did it in anger. Not things that would lead to actual physical harm though - only painful or maybe a bruise for a short time. But his doing it out of anger and continuing to do it when i was a teenager were the aspects the pdoc was speaking to I guess.
The pdoc suggested once that I could report my dad to DOCS because if his actions. And that maybe they would do something.
But i also knew from my mum's work as a psych how many children are in actively abusive situations and are reported to DOCS but DOCS couldn't do anything.
As if somehow my situation was anything even close to.what DOCS actually deal with?!?!
What world did this pdoc live in??
Admittedly, he was a *private* pdoc working in a high socioeconomic suburb. Thats what me and my mum put his perspective down to.
In response to: Re: The me no one knows - SI warning
CuddlebearSenior Contributor
Re: The me no one knows - SI warning
@AlwaysMyself Hello lovely. How are you doing?
Yes I will let you know results. I hope they come back good.
The free psychology is ceasing that was the last thing from Mental Health and Wellbeing hub. The rest finished weeks ago. 😞
All I have is GP and NDIS. The NDIS support doesn’t really help with mental health. I can get mental health plan for 10 sessions. Having to start over with someone and 10 sessions just won’t be enough. Plus I have to be able to afford the gap.
I have looked everywhere including Telehealth for psychiatrist. I’ve contacted so many and they will only bulk bill people in rural areas. I’ve contacted so many services and nothing I qualify for. I think that the fact I’m trying and getting nowhere just compounds Everuthing.
In response to: The me no one knows - SI warning
Flutterbug9Senior Contributor
Re: The me no one knows - SI warning
@AlwaysMyself When I asked about backup waitlisted, response was no.
when I asked if I phone back in xx mths (I gave 2 options), answer was no.
person I supported at one stage including driving them to local MMH, only outcome was they were issued with info about couple local peer group drop in locations.
when I’ve supported others I have found supports/drop in centres etc in local area not helpful
In response to: Re: The me no one knows - SI warning
AlwaysMyselfSenior Contributor
Re: The me no one knows - SI warning
Sitting with both of you in the lack of affordable / bulk-billed supports. @Flutterbug9@Cuddlebear
I wish there was a special fund for people without income that had chronic MH 😭 to pay for their treatment gaps.
I don't know what i would do once my work leave ends if it weren't for my mum and her savings.
In response to: Re: The me no one knows - SI warning
Flutterbug9Senior Contributor
Re: The me no one knows - SI warning
Hi @Cuddlebear, can you please tag me in post with info about your test results today.
hoping results come back as no concern and no pathing that needs any type of treatment
my plans for today have been moved around, will work better for me.
been getting bits and pieces done at home in between reading and replying
small square chrome shelving unit I ordered couple days ago online is sitting at local post office to collect. Need to measure, mark and have some mdf boards cut so can return to tidying up front room.
tomorrow morning I’m going to lawn bowls area where I live. Class being run tomorrow morning about playing lawn bowls. If appears to be something I want to try to do, that will give me things to get me out of home 3 days each week
In response to: Re: The me no one knows - SI warning
Flutterbug9Senior Contributor
Re: The me no one knows - SI warning
Quite strange the reaction from the pdoc @AlwaysMyself
I do know for awhile there was a huge thing about child protection. Possibly they got wrapped up in it
guy I saw fully believed only treatment for trauma based conditions was exposure therapy. Straight into the deep end on initial appointment with plans to continue along exact same lines until I no longer had a reaction. Fully believed things have to get worse including being triggered xx number of times before “getting better”
his view on my meds was just to increase the dosage. No consideration about insomnia I was struggling with and asked for something to help me sleep
to him, once I forgave my father and accepted what had happened I would be “completely better”.
(Other things also happened, won’t go into them as they were minor in comparison)
In response to: Re: The me no one knows - SI warning
AlwaysMyselfSenior Contributor
Re: The me no one knows - SI warning
Oh gosh, that pdoc doesnt sound at all helpful @Flutterbug9 !
Help heal trauma by exposing to *more* trauma?? 😐😬 i dont know much at all about trauma therapy, but that would rank pretty low on my anticipated apprpaches! (Phobias, yes; and latter stage desensitisation or practice to common triggers like noises maybe; but this...?)
Thats very poor on their part to not take on the feedback about the insomnia and reconsider whether it was the right med for you and/or if they needed to also use others to offset the insomnia. 😥. I know some pdocs who are *only* good with the meds (not psychotherapy) - but sounds like they werent good on *either*. I wonder if they were better with other types of mental illness like schizophrenia? 🤔
Forgiveness sure doesnt mean you are healed from the effects. I hear you there.
It has a place in the path to freeing and healing yourself to move on and integrate, but it doesnt do it all for ya! 😬
I learned to "forgive" (not forget or excuse; but allow myself to forgive to move myself on) when i was 16. Imagine if that had cured my MH 🤣.
Gosh that is an ignorant pdoc!
In response to: Re: The me no one knows - SI warning
Flutterbug9Senior Contributor
Re: The me no one knows - SI warning
Forgiving doesn’t change the impact of the psychological damage and scarring caused. If forgiveness was all it took, no idea what’s been the cause of things for last 30+ yrs.
part of initial appointment he had me “talk to my dad” telling him things I couldn’t when he was alive. Felt really strange, I can understand benefits of doing that.
then did role reversal, ie I became my dad, verbally responding. At the start my mind froze,
sit there, do as you are told, do it now, you hear me!!” My fathers words and voice in my head.
i cried walking along the street to my car plus sat in my car in car park in tears for ages. Phoned BlueKnot some stage, xx days later, who were horrified
my dad verbally disciplined. When young how much of my name and/or tone from any adult I worked out how much I was in trouble (first, last and xx middle names). At home with my dad it was always tone, older I got volume became involved. Threatened with and actually deprived of things hurt the most. eg told I could go somewhere, issued with warnings when necessary. When I went too far, I wasn’t allowed to go. Primary school onwards I was only verbally disciplined by both parents
funny story involving names removed by myself of my own choice.
trying to describe experience did not convey the positive aspects.
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