The me no one knows - SI warning

Night @AlwaysMyself

hope tomorrow is kind to you

heading to bed where I’m safe

@Flutterbug9 Sorry to hear how much difficulty you're having in getting the right meds and supports. It's so frustrating how challenging it can be to get the support you need, especially when capacity is so impacted by mental health. I will echo @AlwaysMyself and say, 'You deserve better.'

I'm glad that you are still trying to put yourself out there, even though getting 'out there' can be a trigger for panic attacks. Are you involved in any support groups at all? Can be a good 'entry point' to more socialising, because going in, you know that most of the people there are going to be in at least a similar boat, and so it's easier to be vulnerable/put yourself out there with that sort of added layer of safety.

Sending you some gentle hugs my friend 💜

(づ ᴗ _ᴗ)づ♡

Hey @Flutterbug9 ,

I just read back to your post re your appointment...

As I read, I found myself take a deep breath.

I hear the pain and the emotional scarring.

Sending you gentle vibes.

*hugs* @Flutterbug9 . Just reading your post from midday now. I'm sorry. Those wounds run deeper than skin and last longer too eh.

Yes, full name means in trouble for me too. With my ex my full firstname usually meant he was annoyed/irritable too, rather than the shortening of my name. It always triggered a "what have i done?" internal response to me when he used my full firstname. Thankfully mine did not get followed by threats though, unlike yours.

I remember once as a young adult or late teen, sitting around the dinner table. I was on one side of my sister and her boyfriend sitting on the other side of her. She raised her arms in the air for some reason and both me and the boyfriend flinched visibly 😅. My mother commented on it at the time, which is how i knew he did also. For me, it was response from childhood in primary school age. No idea why it was the response for the boyfriend though! Maybe from his mother - she was pretty strict. We all had a laugh about it because of what it *looked like* for us to both flinch, but also all of us knowing my sister was not physically violent (only normal older sibling physical hurts when in primary school). Sometimes instinct is just so ingrained!

Thank you for your beautiful and supportive posts @AlwaysMyself

Miscommunication regarding discipline @AlwaysMyself

@I used to test boundaries with my parents. By time I started primary school neither believed in smacking me. Word “threatened” not intended in same degree as has been read.

Example of way I was raised from 4 or 5 yo and learnt how to behave.

my dad saying following week he was going to buy some fruit trees. I would ask if I could go with him. With “yes” came, “if you misbehave and are not good you won’t be coming”. If I misbehaved I’d be reminded about not going. When I went too far I would be told I was no longer allowed to go. To a young child, impact hurt more than any other type of punishment. Even after the stroke, my dad never raised his hand to me

maybe it was wrong choosing that way to deal with things. Maybe it was wrong making me admit it was my fault if I couldn’t spend time with relatives, neighbours children etc. maybe it was a good option that had me see from young age impact of my decisions.

apparently starting from a young age when my dad was at work I would do little things to annoy my mum, eventually getting a smack. After my dad came home I’d complain about getting a smack, saying I didn’t do anything. Outside of home I was well behaved.

my view, rebel at heart from young age. My mum used to say, ‘Home devil, street angel’

@Jynx @tyme

I’ve got no supports outside the forums @Jynx

couple years ago after having couple days active SI with thoughts that were scaring me, I reached out to local MH team via phone. Turned out they were local preventative team. F2F appointment few days later at local community centre, I was told nothing MH team could do to help.

social worker in the room gave me small info sheet about ‘local’ peer drop in centre. That’s approx 40mins drive one way for me with no guarantee anyone will be there if I went.

last time I was in the area I went to local MMH drop in centre. Only other possible support groups they had info etc about are well over 60mins one way drive for me.

feel like there is nothing and no one out there to help or support me. Definitely no safe place for me when I need one

Hey @Flutterbug9 ,

I'm sorry to hear that you don't feel you have a safe space that you can readily access.

It sounds incredibly hard to 'do it on your own'.

I"m not sure where you live, but do you have any Safe Haven's around you?

I'm not sure if I've shared Roses in the Ocean with you, but there is a peer line you can access via the phone.

I hope to hear form you soon.

Hey @Flutterbug9 ,

I just read your story of rebellion. I was relating your experiences with mine as I was so different. I was the BEST kid.... no issues at all.... but when I was in my late teens (around 17), I turned feral. I was so rebellious. Hardly went to school. Threw furniture at peopel at school. Wagged heaps. It was as though I'd finally found my voice and just made the most of it.

And yeah... from there, it was 10-15 years of mental torture... Upon reflection, I reckon I was trying to find control because my life and emotional state was out of control by this time.

Do you think you've changed in terms of being a 'rebel'?

@Flutterbug9 re: parents discipline.

That make sense. Sounds like they were big on teaching consequence for actions.

I'm wondering... did your parents give much focused time and attention "just because" at this young age? Just to do things you (a child!) liked? Just to spend time to connect and give you attention?