The me no one knows - SI warning

@Jynx Pj - little voice in my head asking “what are you doing”

last few days, trying to ground myself, the breathing, focussing on clearing out thoughts. I start to remember bits and pieces that could never talk about. That feeling of “taboo topic”.

remembering in hospital during the infusion, one nurse noticing sign of SH. Both her and student nurse with her dealing with it with same view as if I had skinned my knee. Different views and attitudes.

@Flutterbug9 was the little voice quite harsh or judgemental? I've found that sometimes I've internalised stuff so much that I will hear something in my brain that is super critical - but it's not me, not really. It's usually something I internalised from my parents or from my childhood. Ignoring our own inner voice can be really hard... I have a mantra around telling myself stuff like 'I am not my thoughts, I am the reaction to them' - helps me figure out where my true values are. Like if I hear my inner voice say something like 'You can't buy that' I focus on how that thought made me feel... like if I am disappointed, I know that that thought is one to try to ignore. If that makes sense!

I get you about the taboo topics, there's a lot that we are told is 'inappropriate'... Even in this space there's stuff that we can't discuss due to the nature of the forums, which can certainly be challenging when we have burning questions or want to unpack something that many would find difficult or uncomfortable to talk about. Do you have friends or a trusted MH professional you could crack open some of these taboo topics with? Even SH stuff is one of those topics people seem to 'pretend' isn't real. Which can be super invalidating, for sure.

PS I am off now but should be back around tomorrow evening 😊💜

The little voice was similar to adult asking a child. Tone of questioning decision, slight condescension with sharp undertone.

good tips there, thanks 😀

I’ve seen new psychologist twice so far, very easy to talk with. Could possibly talk with her at some point. Last time we met she said she’s enjoying getting to know me and would like to continue along that line for awhile prior to the 2 of us working on my goals.

yesterday I completed new patient info gathering online form sent by new psychiatrist. First appointment with her in June, all her appointments will be Telehealth. Only small number essential questions, one asking if have had recent SI or SH and, if so, how have managed so far. Thinking she might be best to talk with. Telehealth appointments also might, for me, feel more comfortable to open up in

thanks for the chats 💜

Very brief @AlwaysMyself Mainly sharing thoughts after chat with Jynx last night. Was nice reading/hearing Jynx thoughts on hair style I’m thinking of going back to. In my early 20’s I choose similar hair style

Words from part of something Jynx mentioned roaming around in my mind and making sense. For as long as I can remember I’ve always been told about having a bad temper. Even as an adult who tries damn hard to control it, still gets out of control at times. Part of where the circle also comes into things plus coping mechanisms from years ago won’t have helped. Learnt to make myself angry so I didn’t cry, calm down and flood gates opened.

this is part of chat with Jynx last night on Captains thread

hoping some of the weight caused from the medical report has lifted and that today is kind to you

Thanks @Flutterbug9 .

I will back-read when i get a moment to, but based on this morning so far it may not be today unless things alleviate for me. Waiting for the dog walker, then have to wait another hour to them to return. Then i can go out and get my fasting blood test and ecg done. Although if im feeling upset im not sure thats a good time to get an ecg done. But i can ask the pathologist if its a problem. I guess it shouldnt matter for the purpose of the ecg being for a MH trial to make sure your heart doesnt have any problems that the drug could cause to be dangerous - and i presume stress would be just making sure its extra healthy right? After all, i didnt have a stroke or heart attack on saturday so i reckon my system must be coping well.

I wont be able to get to the pathologist until at least 11am most likely. Then ill have to wait in queue. It will be over 12hr for my fasting for the bloods which isnt ideal, but oh well. I cant go any earlier because of the dogs.

Hoping this might be a good mood distraction doing this. If not, i can try out dropping in to the medicare MH clinic that is a just up the street from the pathopogy.

Hanging in here.

Im not ignoring your posts or abandoning you. *hugs* i hope the explanation helps the inner child in you understand this and feel secure.

@AlwaysMyself knowing that you have an understanding why if I hit ‘panic buttons’ is a big positive thing for.

reactions that I’ve got to live with and try to find ways to cope. Very rare is it that I don’t have a small constant panic feeling deep inside me. One of my coping mechanisms (no idea is deemed beneficial or not) is making light of same as I try to do with my different physical health conditions and limitations.

sorry to hear about the not good timing. Really sux when those things happen. Hoping you are keeping fluids up and have a food bar to eat once blood test finished. ECG when stressed, possibly not a good combination. Mine are done at same location as my GP, nurses there all know of my discomfort of disrobing to have it done. All chat about general topics to help with distraction.

one minute at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time. You’ve got this and you are not alone on here. Lots of people on the forums here for you and help get you through the not good days

“not good days” instead of” bad days” - different wording. Possibly help with viewing things differently for you?

"Not good days" is good wording @Flutterbug9 .

Similar to when i think "i'm not coping" i tell myself. "I am coping - its just that it still feels painful and doesnt take the thoughts away. But i am coping simply by putting one foot in front of the other with the essential things." Its one of those days. Just trying to not let myself spiral, not let my thoughts and feelings take 100% of my brain. Trying to do small things here like reading even if i cant reply other than with how i am feeling or my own experience.

Sometimes i question if i even have depression because i dont generally have cognitive impairment (other than memory with stress, and some rare foggy days). Because my thoughts and moods can also be separate and not always interdependent.

But if its not depression, then i dont know what it is. And no doctor/psych in 25 years has ever suggested it to be anything else. So i guess it must be a type of depression.

I know mind set etc can make difference at times.
also know other times it doesn’t and trying to look on positive side makes things feel worse. I get it.

happy to try with different wording with you if you like 🤗

easier said than done. Honestly, I would try to not go down the rabbit hole with thoughts etc of do I or don’t I.

so, so easy to go down those thoughts. Downside, so easy to spiral.

sending 🔑 as offer to try to say no to those thoughts and lock them away so they can’t get to you.

Have you done research into emdr? small bit of preparation I did I remember the above from

@AlwaysMyself

@AlwaysMyself Might be late this afternoon before I’m back online.

dont worry about trying to post to me on days that are not good.

if you are ok with this idea, at random times during the day is offer to post some things eg positive affirmations, funny pics.

if works for you and you are ok with the idea, just clicking support …?