@Flutterbug9
Back from GP appointment 😊 - just my normal GP, but was getting both the referral paperwork & pathology request papers for the research trial as well as a new certificate for work. ...reminds me I need to send that to work now! Interestingly he didn't mention my trip to the ED (but did have the discharge summary) -- classic example of why I am going to see a MH-specific GP in a few weeks (yay it got moved up a month closer) -- so I asked him to measure my blood pressure, since it was dangerously high on Saturday morning and still high in the afternoon (but not dangerous). Actually, just realised he didn't even ask about how the medication reduction is going -- I don't think he remembered / read that we discussed that last time that I was going to start that in the first week of January! But I guess I didn't think to bring it up for an update since it's so far been ok. Booked again to see him in 6 weeks (another indication that he has forgotten I am titrating off medications? 😂 and due to be completely off them by that time lol; but not a problem because I will see the MH GP in 2 weeks and she is probably better placed with that anyway!). Part of my referral was a thorough history, so we used one from a psychiatrist report a bit less than 1.5 years ago. Which is good because now I also have a copy of it lol, and I can also pass it to the new MH GP on the first appointment. However reading it I notice a number of incorrect things in the report 😒, most which are of little to no significance, but some of which are regarding the historical depression and doesn't give a correct picture of my type of depression. I will post a bit about this in my thread later, as I am curious whether others have had similar experiences with doctors not actually recording/reporting the correct factual information. And after mentioning this to my mum briefly, I also learned that in fact I first saw a psychiatrist when I was younger than I realised lol 😅 I thought I was 16, but her memory is I was 14. When we went over the timeline of how I ended up being referred to the pdoc I realised I would have been 14-15 at most lol.
That is quite amazing that your mother didn't know she was pregnant until 4 months prior to birth - but absolutely not unheard of. I know someone who didn't look pregnant until that stage, and so if an absence of cycles was not uncommon then yeah, absolutely understandable how that can happen.
I am glad your grandparents, uncle and aunt cherished you (but I am definitely noting the absence of some key people that are not mentioned there - *hugs*, but being indirect in a hope to be less pointedly painful). I am curious what are the best memories you have of them? Doing activities together, or ways they showed they loved you? (a most memorable gift even?)
I grew living away from my grandparents on both sides, as well as all the aunts & uncles & cousins. Initially they were all within 8 hours drive, until I was 4 and we moved further west - which then meant they were all a flight or a multi-day-drive away. I don't have many memories of seeing them as a child, except for a few things. A positive intellectual-memory is that my mum's father would make us soda spiders (ice cream in softdrink), later in my life once I was a young teen I remember visiting him once and he had a jar of chocolates he would offer us. It's interesting that my 3 memories of him were positive; I guess he was better as a grandfather than as a husband or father (or he mellowed with older age). I guess we also didn't see him often, and I think when he was with my grandmother she probably was the main interaction and he just made ice cream sodas 😅. That grandmother is the one that is remaining, and lives nearby me.
Being a long way from my paternal grandfather was of course a good thing, with later knowing. My cousins had much more exposure to him because they were living closer and saw them more often.
Whilst I am glad your mother recognised (finally!) the need for you to have your own bedroom, I am so that is was very late in the piece and that even then your father didn't seem to understand it. I am curious if you ever got the opportunity to discuss this with either of them, and why they did not consider it "needed" to have a separate bedroom until you were approaching puberty? I am guessing it was uncommon back then too for this to happen! I know sharing a room with a sibling is common (I did this until... around 7 or 8 I think? Although we were fortunate to have enough rooms that my sister was able to move into another room next to our shared bedroom. I have no idea what initiated that - if it was just because my parents felt it was time for us to have private space, or whether there was conflict or too much chatting when we were meant to be sleeping... I have no idea.)
"Street angel, home devil". I am interpreting this to mean that you were seen by your parents as behaving well in public but not at home? Is that correct or misunderstanding from me?
It is interesting because "raised to speak up for myself" is to me a healthy thing, but not something I would associate with either what others may typical say is "angel" or "devil" behaviour by a child. Some people of course being of the "seen and not heard" beliefs would say a child shouldn't "speak up for themselves" 😢 - but it was at home you were seen as a "devil", as I assume it was at home that you were taught to speak up ("raised")?
I am glad thought that you have this skill, because it is really important in life to be able to appropriately assert oneself and one's needs. 😊. And a lot of people who have not had secure childhoods with care and love have not felt safe to do this, and thus not learned (or have actively learned not to). I can imagine that grandfather would not have been easy to speak up for yourself to - how did it feel as a child when you tried to? I am guessing it is in this context that he was then saying you were "disrespectful" for disagreeing with him?
How did your parents respond to his attempts to control your behaviours & interests? (I note that your father was initially a good person, until the stroke). Did they support you? Were they fearing of standing up to him to defend you?
Fear of abandonment is very understandable - the lack of attention from your parents, the conditional-care/tolerance from your paternal grandfather, the passing of both your uncle at that time. I can also absolutely understand why hearing people you care and connect with talking of SI would trigger this fear also, and connection back to this young age with your uncle.
It sounds like things kept adding on in terms of the trauma and stress and challenges for you and your mother - the further passings of family members, the changes in your father post-stroke and resulting DV. I cannot imagine how destabilising and uncertain and scary that would have been. Your aunt, uncle, and grandmother gone, and your father no longer safe for you, plus the increasing control on your behaviours by your mother.
I am curious whether you were a "compliant" child at this time, with those behaviours, or whether you were strong-willed and pushed back against it? (No judgement attached to this at all -- both are very understandable behaviours, and responses to keep yourself safe and your needs met. I am just curious.)
Your fathers attitude when you began first form year reminds me a bit of very 'traditional country' expectations -- perhaps similar to some that your paternal grandfather may have held also?
Although having said this, I do perceive that there are 2 types of 'country views' on girls -- they either are "feminine" and do the housework and wear dresses, etc. Or they are treated more like the boys and have to do the farm work outside of school times. When i think about it, even though my aunty was clearly a tomboy growing up on the farm (from stories of her and the siblings), i do also recall hearing that she was expected to help her mum with housework whilst it was the boys who helped their father with the farm work. But I guess she was allowed to also play however she liked outside of these duties - or if she wasn't "allowed" she still did!
I don't ever recall talking to my parents about puberty; although I am sure my mother would have if I had asked. However by the time i was going through school, the school had "physical health education" classes in late primary school and high school (from the age where some children start to begin to see puberty changes; I was not an "early" developer so I guess I understood it before I reached that stage myself).
I feel like your experience of the taboo on puberty-talk is sadly similar to how it has also been for women with menopause. I know menopause is now become more talked about openly and not taboo, but from what I have heard from my older friends who are or have gone through it, until very recently it was socially not spoken of, and even medical professionals did not take it seriously often or treat it well. Yet both are such impactful physical and hormonal changes that can really change so much for a persons life and needs to be supported.
