The me no one knows - SI warning

@AlwaysMyself as I’ve said before, I don’t judge people.

“Walk a week in someone else’s shoes before thinking about judging”. Something I try to follow.

please believe me, I’m not intending to upset or create any hurt for you. When I’m struggling with fears of abandonment a trigger for me is hearing or reading about active SI thoughts. Don’t want you to stop talking with me about your struggles though.

im stopping. Been lots of things wanting to be said and haven’t felt I can, until now

my SH, I don’t initiate things (if that makes sense). My battle is to let things heal. At times I do things without realising. It’s seeing the aftermath I know what I’ve done.

feel it’s a pity that, where both people to agree to continue using nicknames, that exchange of emails can’t happen.
would make things so much easier than this tip toe around the exact wording on the forums plus easy to block if other person breaks the agreement

You have shared a lot this afternoon. Thank you for sharing. @Flutterbug9

I have read it all and I have like seeing this side of you. I know it’s hard and you have been through so much, so many questions, so much uncertainty.

I really don’t have the words to know what to say though.

Just know that I have listened to you and heard you.

You have my support.

How does it feel to get all that out?

One question… are you also questioning your sexuality?

Exhausting @Captain24.

good to get everything finally out in couple posts, very large posts as they be.

questioning my true identity and sexuality

I’m glad you got it out @Flutterbug9 I’m guessing you may feel a little vulnerable right about now???

Questioning is hard. I have had some really in-depth chats with @Jynx on this one and a moderator I was chatting to as well, unfortunately the mod left at the end of last year.

Jynx is so open minded and has a wealth of knowledge. It took me a long time to get my head around how I feel and what I felt. I have now worked out that mostly I’m Demi-Pansexual. There is not so much of either being gay or straight. There is so much more to it and while it’s just a label there is so much that you can relate too.

Hi @Cuddlebear

last few days I’ve felt I can’t say or do anything right.

have been easily triggered and emotions constantly just under the skin.

Felt like been on never ending circle of tears, feeling hurt, frustration and anger.

main reason I said about distancing from the forums.

my abandonment fears been running riot, last night almost no sleep due to horrific nightmares driven by the fears. Woke myself about 4pm with my own screams to find I was already crying.

@AlwaysMyself said couple things this morning that opened gates I’m been too scared to open.

have shared so much and let so much out …. Exhausted on all levels by now.

pdidnt tag you in the posts as wasn’t sure you would want to read them. No issues and fully ok if you decide to read them or not.

tired and so many tears today. Heading to bed soon in hope of getting some sleep.. have meeting tomorrow at 10am and really need to be fully functioning for

will chat another day

@AlwaysMyself

Actual hugs/cuddles from anyone you know.

something you are comfortable with or not?

Ability to have top and bottom to be as was pre puberty….. yes please. Where do I sign up

@Flutterbug9 just finished reading your posts. Want to be able to respond to them properly and in full - but that will have to be after my sleep (its 12:30pm now, which is very late for me).

But 3 things first for in the mean time.

1. Thank you for sharing. Thank you for trusting me. I know that isn't easy. I am grateful that you give me the chance to know you, support you, and for you also to supporting me too.

2. Know that i am glad you have mentioned how hearing people you care about talk about SI impacts you and your fears. I am not upset at all that you have said this. Im also really glad that you trust me enough and my nature as to tell me this. 🥰. I also see it as a sign of you caring genuinely about me and our connection - and that is a beautiful thing. I'm sorry it brings upset and fears and triggers hurts. I can completely understand how it can trigger fear of abandonment, that does make a lot of sense. I'm not planning on leaving the forums anytime soon - I'm still here. 😊 I'm still holding onto you and my orher friends here who help me every day to feel heard and hope.

It is OK to ask me to remove something i have said too if it is triggering for you (chances are you wont be the only person).

3. Hugs. I am ok with hugs from people i know/trust. Some people i like hugs from when im upset. I think i always liked hugs from my mum when i was young, so that might be why i continued to be OK with them?

At high school most of my friends hugged good morning and goodbye each day, so that also was something i got used to too i guess. But i think i mostly "feel" a hug when someone (myself or them) are in distress. As opposed to greeting or farewell with is more mechanical for me.

I used remedial massage as a young adult as a way to get more used to safe physical touch though.

Do you like or dislike hugs?

Will reply in proper tomorrow! Which i guess it actually "later today" 😅.

Hope you are sleeping soundly, and get a better sleep than the last few.

Lots of things shared by both of us within last couple days @AlwaysMyself. Lots for both to take in, process etc.

I have a head knowledge about CF, nothing else. Slowly learning the impact it has on you.
Telling my story I’m main numb. When timing feels right and with the right people, I become an open book.

if want to ask me anything, don’t hesitate

only time I remember hearing my mother tell me she loved me was last few weeks of her life. I have vague memories of being hugged growing up, no idea from who.

i like the virtual hugs on the forums. One person I know likes including emoji hug in her text messages. She likes giving actual hugs which my head is slowly getting used to. If I’m not expecting it, I tense up when someone hugs me.

I got excited yesterday, missed call (I don’t answer silent numbers) and email from psychiatrist, initial appointment booked for June. Excitement last for hours or so.

Shower soon to help me fully wake up, eye drops etc prior to heading to a meeting which starts at 10am

Morning @Flutterbug9 😊 I will respond to parts in multiple posts today as able, as I have a few things meaning I don't have a long enough block of time to do it all at once. 😊 Letting you know so that you are aware that I am not ignoring a part of the post. And please do let me know if there is something you feel i have looked over and not mentioned that would be good for me to also comment/reflect/discuss - for example the comment on the other thread you mentioned, I hadn't seen that one so I am glad you mentioned it too. 😊

All good @AlwaysMyself, completely understand. 😊

huge amounts of things between both posts, don’t expect quick reply or post touching on everything.

nice knowing can share with others who honestly understand

allows more understanding of title of this thread. 💜

few essential things on my to do list today

Need to get in some self care things this afternoon following last few days