PTSD.. HOW THE HECK DO YOU GET THROUGH IT?? ( trigger warning-dogs)

@Former-Member Hello nice to meet you. One of the biggest things I had to do to even start "mending" was forgive myself. That took a very long time and gave me a whole new perspective on those words.

I used to think they were something fairly frivolous... " forgive myself" sounded so simple like just a process I could choose to apply by mere choice. It was far from that, it was far deeper than that.

I did do it, I have done it. But only after a "light bulb" moment, that took years to reach. To get to that switch for that moment it took an enormous amount of "talking" to myself, and willing myself to somehow get somewhere. Constantly telling myself all the "right" things I guess.

For a long time I "said" them but didn't really accept or feel them on any deep level. They were just some mantra I hoped would result in a fix, have some effect positive effect. For the longest time they didn't. No matter how many times I told them to myself.

I didn't know then, and I still don't know where I am going or how I'm going to end up getting out of this fog, all I know is bit by bit it is happening. Each russian doll I open gets me that little bit closer, I know it, I feel it. I still get triggered, by things I don't even expect to be triggered by but things are so much better now than they were at my worst. So much better. So there is hope.

I have no idea if you get anything from that, but just thought I would share it in case in some way it resonates, if not now, one day it might.

hi @Former-Member

i just cant seem to forgive myself for it. i constantly blame myself for it and i cant seem to get through the fog despite my psych telling me it wasnt my fault, how could i have done somethign more yadda yadda but it just doesnt seem to sink in. even as shes saying it in my head its still saying yes it is yes it is it is your fault.

yes, that's the thing @Former-Member working through it and forgiving yourself. it wasn't your fault, it is the dogs fault. But accepting that within yourself is so hard. What I did was just keep telling myself the right thing. That is re-wiring thought. It's called neuroplasticity. It is proven scientific fact that we can rewrite our brain patterns.

Each time you think that negative way and blame yourself, push it out of your mind and rewire your thought patterns with the reasons why it isn't your fault.

I would say you have been told over and over why it isn't or wasn't your fault. I suspect you would have been told lots of things like... because of your age, because of the trauma of what was happening in the moment, how you had no time to think clearly. How even people older than you were may not have reacted "correctly" to intervene in the attack because of the sheer horror of what was happening. That only in retrospect does all that become clear not in "the moment".

In yourself you know that you did the best you could. Had you thought the way you do now it would have been different, and you have to forgive yourself that it wasn't. Because it wasn't your fault. You did your best but the situation didn't allow you to do more because you didn't have the experience to react differently. It isn't your fault.

Does that make any sense?

yes @Former-Member it makes sense.

ive been told many reasons why it wasnt my fault but i seem to keep arguing that it is and for every reason it isnt i can think of a reason it is....

ive been trying to aggree it wasnt my fault but everytime i see my sisters scar, or anything trigger it just gets reiterated that it is 😞

@Former-Member and that is why it takes a long time. You need to push those reasons you think it is your fault out of your head, and replace them with all the reasons you know you did your best and it isn't your fault.

Every time those reasons blaming yourself pop into your head. Push them out. Replace them with why it isn't or wasn't your fault. Until one day you have told yourself that enough times that you start believing it. Because it wasn't your fault. It just wasn't.

Write them down if it helps. Write down all the reasons it wasn't your fault. Read them, re- read them and re-read them. And every time those other ones pop into your head say "no it wasn't my fault", and replace those with the ones you remember reading. Keep reading them, keep the list close if you need to until you remember all of them as easily as you know the other ones already in there. Just keep doing that until finally you turn it around and teach yourself that it really was not your fault. Because - it wasn't.

ok thank you heaps @Former-Member

hopefully one day ill get it out of my head and have a 'lightbulb' moment too

Hi @Former-Member

PTSD is hard! and I'm glad you were able to come here and describe how it is for you. There are so many people who i am sure can relate. My little brother was hit by a car when he was a child. I was supposed to be with him but had gone on ahead. Heard the incident happen though. I was blamed by adults around me. It set some thinking in stone about what was my fault and how much of the world was meant to be controlled by me! Except that of course, it wasn't, I was a kid and should have been able to be a kid.

I agree with what @Former-Member that its important to rationalise out what the reality of everything was. I think that's why my psychologist initially wanted to go over particular traumas to really rationalise what those situations were more objectively and from an adult perspective. I still find it too difficult mostly as im triggered so easily. And then revisiting all those reasons, real perspectives is really important!

lj

hi @Former-Member

unfortunately i witnessed it right in front of me and was pretty much the only one there so i feel the full brunt of responsibility and the full blame so many times...

i remember the smell of blood and i was covered it and had to actually throw out the clothes we were wearing. i felt the dog slobbe drip on my arm and its whiskers on my arm thats how close it was, why couldnt i have jsut moved my arm up i also had to call the paramedics as well, that was scary in itself.

i still have very vivid nightmares to the point where i can feel the sensations, the smells everythign like im reliving it .

my mother told me to get over it but she had counselling after it happened. i felt invisible in that time depsite being at every drs appointment, i waited in the operating room waiting room place and was there when she was waking up but i was invisible to everyone else.

im going to have to try blockign those thoughts out but its hard when everyone is fine around me

Hugs @Former-Member

I do get what you're going through re flashbacks, nightmares and other ways of reexperiencing traumas as I have PTSD from a number of sources. Its awful, but its definitely survivable. And there is a way through it. I'm sorry that you were made to feel invisible back then, but you're not now. We see you here and hear you and can relate to what you're going through.

I still believe that it wasnt your fault at all. But I know that if someone told me that a few years ago I would have had so many arguments spring up in my mind to defend why it WAS my fault and could only be my fault. It really has been only going through some of the experiences i've had that i've been able to reassess what was my responsibiity. And even when i have gotten things wrong (we all do!) What did i do about that? How did i help to fix the problem? Those things are important too.

In any case, you are not invisible and with support now, you will get through this! I cant remember now, coz i've confused myself! Are you seeing a therapist? Might be good to get some support if not, you could start with your GP?

Here with you,

LJ

thanks @Former-Member

yeah i also have severe gad and depression as well. ive only started seeing a therapist since jauanry and at the moment we are working on my SH and Suicide idealation- its like an addiction now and i find the only thing that does work and even when it doesnt work i do it anyway

then start to work on the next things so i dont go back to SH