I feel really overwhelmed … please help

Hi @TheOnlyConstant

I just wanted to stop by to welcome you to this space. I can see that you're wanting to speak to others with lived experience of supporting someone with BPD, and while I'm not able to provide that I did want to acknowledge the strength it takes to open up in a new space. I can hear how confusing and overwhelming caring for your partner has become at times and it's very understandable to be sure of the right way to provide support or move forward.

I know that you're not alone in these challenges and hope that the right member will find this post shortly and be able to provide some guidance.

In the meantime, I'm wondering whether you or your partner have any additional supports? Whether that friends/family or formal supports.

Thanks! Much appreciated!

yes she does, but most of the time I’m still the immediate point of contact. 😞

That can be very overwhelming being the key support person @TheOnlyConstant is there any room for you to speak to their other supports at all? To talk about how to best support them and even just to not feel alone in the weight of being that main support person

Hey @TheOnlyConstant

I can see that @Ru-bee has already given you some support, which is lovely to see!

I wanted to take the opportunity to thank you for sharing such an honest and difficult experience. What you have described - the intense crying, the anger/blame, the overwhelming emotions, the fear, and the subsequent withdrawal - is a pattern many of us who love someone with BPD know all too well. As someone who used to be a carer for my older sibling who has BPD, I want you to know that the exhaustion, confusion, frustration and whatever other emotions you may be feeling right now are completely valid.

I know my situation is not the same as yours, but perhaps you might find some of the advice I'm about to give useful (it's okay if it isn't helpful!)

Firstly, I wanted to go over how to handle these kinds of situations. During an intense episode, the key is to shift the objective from problem-solving to de-escalating the crisis while maintaining your own safety and boundaries. Some things you could try to practice include:

• Focusing on Validation, Not Justification: I will say that when emotions are running high, logic does not work the same when emotions are baseline. So, anything that sounds like a defence, explanation, or counterargument will likely escalate the situation. This is why it is so important, instead, to try to validate the feeling without validating any unfair accusation, e.g. "I can see how upset you are right now. It sounds like you are feeling sad/hurt/scared"
• "Step Back" Technique: staying calm and stepping back is often the most effective thing you can do. It's a non-reactive presence, where you technically are present, but you are not engaging with accusations or the emotional chaos. To do this, it's important to keep communication minimal (e.g. phrases like "I hear you" or "I'm going to take a moment to collect my thoughts") and also to wait for the right window of opportunity to step back.
• Focus on "I" Statements for Boundaries: if you need to communicate a boundary, make it about your needs, not their behaviour (e.g. "I am not going to continue this conversation while we are both shouting. I need 10 minutes to decompress, and then we can continue the conversation")

It is essential to understand when to stay, step away, or seek help during these moments. I struggled learning this myself, and with a lot of practice, but I believe that you and anyone else reading this in a similar situation can do it!

When to Step Away:

• you feel physically unsafe or threatened (this is a non-negotiable - your safety is a priority)
• you are feeling emotionally dysregulated (e.g. you start shouting, crying or feel yourself shutting down)
• the episode is escalating regardless of your efforts

When to Stay (Non-Reactively):

• when they are primarily focused on despair or fear (crying, overwhelmed, but not directing anger/blame at you) Your non-reactive and calming prescence can be grounding for them
• when the intensity is manageable and you can practice validation and deep active listening without feeling overwhelmed or unsafe

When to Get Help:

• when there is an explicit threat to yourself, their own or others' safety (contact crisis helpline or emergency services)
• when you or your loved one needs immediate support and you feel you cannot manage the crisis alone

The next point I want to explore is how to cope afterwards without blaming ourselves. I will admit that the post-crisis quiet and withdrawal can feel almost like punishment, and leave you blaming yourself. There are things that are important to remind yourself of afterwards:

• their intense reaction is a symptom of BPD, not a reflection of your worth or intentions. Their brain processes emotions and stress differently. You were dealing with a temporary break in their ability to regulate emotions, not a truly rational assessment of you as a person
• you cannot control their BPD; you can only control how you respond to it

Lastly, I wanted to give you some coping strategies that might be of use to you:

• Immediate Self-Care: What fills your cup? What brings you joy? Maybe its colouring in, listening to music, kayaking, cooking, or even buying a new bath bomb and trying it in the bathtub - whatever makes you feel well mentally and physically
• Connect with Your Support System: Reach out to a trusted friend, family member, or even a therapist/counsellor who understands BPD dynamics. You need and deserve to vent and be validated for your own experience
• Learn the Tools: skills like mindfulness and emotional regulation are powerful tools to practice to keep you grounded. You could try something like STOPP: Stop, Take a breath, Observe, Pull back and Practice what works

What you are doing is incredibly challenging. Please make sure you are prioritising your own peace and getting your own dedicated supports (e.g. peer support, therapeutic support etc)

I think what @MatchaToad has written is very sound advice if you commit to the relationship and want to be a carer ongoing, for that person. I have been an emotional support carer/punching bag for 2 people and I have unintentionally one it to 1 person my ex partner.

At risk of being unhelpful to your cause, I got dumped for having unstable emotions and it took me 7 years to truly address the root cause of the problem which was/is my own unstable emotions and attacking the person who loved me at the time or otherwise 'being psycho' and it prompted me to address my issues and drastically improve my internal resiliance and emotional dependency and my behaviour, too. As I had learned from my mother that throwing tantrums is the way to get other people to take responsiblity for the situation and relieve myself of personal responsiblity/emotional stress/confrontation.

When I was in the caring role I felt fairly important to being crucial to the other persons life and I thought that love was tolerating their bad side while hoping to get a glimpse of their good side which would come out when they felt like it yet each person couldn't or wouldn't improve their behaviour and addiction issues so when I put up boundaries, they moved off to find other people to absorb their BS.

There is a lot of life at stake but I would have a good honest moment to yourself to consider:

Is your partner taking responsibility to heal/address the background issues?

Do they compensate in other ways to add value for your life?

Does caring role align with where you want and need to be in life?

Are you getting enough good days to offset the bad days?

As caring for a person is heavy duty and I still care for some people in my life now, but they have much stricter conditions for how much energy they can consume. I lost years of my life caring for people who DID NOT address/heal/improve their issues and they are still crying, shouting, attacking like toddlers whereas I have moved forward into a more satisfying life.

So in the aftermath of this yes you have tactics for caring for the person but you also need to have tactics for caring for yourself and that includes approaching the other person for them to address their personal control of emotions and behaviour so that they refrain from relationship abuse.

Life contains many, many stressful and challenging days so people need to value the good times and minimise the bad times. It is not normal for every day, every week, every month to be an emotional rollercoaster and PEACE is the most beautiful and constructive energy you can being into life, from there you can make informed choices about doing things to benefit yourself and the world around you, too.

@MatchaToad Thank you for sharing such insightful knowledge of caring for someone with BPD, it sounds like they are very lucky to have an understanding person such as yourself to help them through when times get tough. @TheOnlyConstant - it’s important to take care of yourself, you are not to blame, their emotional deregulation is not personal. It’s a lot to take on, my suggestion would be to learn what you can about BPD- lots of info on this site and a great support community.
Reach out if you need ❤️

Thank you everyone for the kind words. The fact that you guys spent the time to reply to me (which, by today’s internet standards, is quite a long reply) already means a lot to me, and it helps knowing that I’m not alone on this journey.

I’m typing on my phone now, but I will tag everyone in the replies later when I’m back on my laptop.

I think many of the techniques mentioned work, especially in intense situations. The step-back technique is definitely something I have found really useful over the years.

I guess my struggle is also with my emotions and mood after or during these situations. Sometimes I question myself: have I done enough? Or maybe I really did make a mistake?

These thoughts really stress me out and make me question my capabilities, which explains why I seek a lot of confidence from work, where I am actually a high performer. For many, family is a comfort zone. For me, work is where I can find peace, comfort, and most importantly, confidence.

It isn’t an easy journey, and I frankly have been learning a lot over the years, but this platform really does give me a glimpse of hope. Thanks everyone.

@TheOnlyConstant

Totally relate to your feelings after an outburst and the wondering if perhaps you didn’t say the right thing.

I find myself thinking similar things often, there is no doubt the emotional toll this has on loved ones.
It’s great that you have a job you enjoy and sounds like you are valued there, work is a huge part of life so it’s important to feel appreciated.

Hope your day goes well!

Another challenge is sometime in these conflicts, I started to be crticised for things I have (and haven't) done. That sometime makes myself questioned my reality (did I really do that?). I know I am not a perfect person, I slack, I got lazy, I got excuses, but does not makes me a bad person, nor that suggest that I haven't contributed or played a role in the relationship nor the journey. It is almost a suffocating experience every now and then. It feels like you are not working as a team, it feels like you're working aginst each other, and there is hoenstly no winner in this.