Am I just really lazy?

I've never posted here before and I'm not really sure of the etiquette but I'd like to start with just a little bit about me. I'm in my mid 40s and have struggled with anxiety and depression my whole life. I work full time at a job I don't love, but a job that I'm very grateful for, because without it, I probably wouldn't leave the house and I'd have very little human interaction. We have to do Christmas drinks next week and just the thought of it exhausts me. I'll do it, and I'll be fine, but I'd rather go home. I like being home by myself, except that's not really true either. And that brings me to the main reason that I'm posting. This is really hard for me to write but I feel like I'm really lazy. I struggle to do anything that's not reading books or watching TV. And I feel like huge chunks of my life are planning on actually doing all the washing, and then I don't do it, and I feel guilty. And there's just so much stuff in my home that I can't possibly say I enjoy it. I don't think it's hoarding, but an inability to find energy to put things away. I bought my first unit a little over three years ago and have never really unpacked. I have a walk in robe (well walk through, as the ensuite is on the other side) and it's just full of... stuff. Old clothes that don't fit and linen that I'm going to wash and blankets that it's too hot for and I don't even know what else. Clean washing that I didn't get around to putting away mixed in with the dirty washing that I'll catch up on the weekend. But I don't. I get the minimum done. I do a load of clothes for work each week and that's it. There's almost nothing hanging in my walk in robe that I was so excited about when I moved in. And that's just a tiny sample. The whole house feels like that. I have a room just full of recycling rubbish (old boxes and water bottles, not food) that is now so overwhelming I don't know how to get rid of it. Each weekend I plan to chip away it, but I just never do. There are books to read and puzzles to complete and I just want to ignore all the hard stuff.

Until recently I’ve rented which meant inspections and twice a year I had to go through and at least hide this stuff. I had to scrub the bathroom and toilet and make sure the sinks were clean. Now that I don't have to, it's been so easy to let this stuff get out of control. My kitchen isn't too bad, but my bathroom is gross. Not condemned by the health department, but I can't say that my house has been really clean in the three years I've lived there. This is really hard for me to admit.

And of course it all gives me such anxiety. I feel that I'm in a cycle of ignoring it, and then getting a spurt from somewhere and I plan to be better, but I'm not and then I feel guilty and I want to avoid it even more. And I have this dread that sometimes keeps me awake at night that I'll die like this and someone will have to find all the mess and if I wasn't already dead, I'd die of shame.

I'm not sure what I'm expecting here. I don't know what help there can be on a forum. And if I am just really lazy then maybe there is no help except a good kick up the bum. But I feel better just actually confessing to all this. So thanks to anyone who took the time to read ❤️