Am I just really lazy?

@DahliaDreams

Thanks so much for reaching out. The responses that I've received here in the last couple of days have been overwhelming in such a nice way. I haven't done a huge amount since Friday but it has felt amazing just to be able to talk about stuff and be understood. I'm starting to believe that if I can peel back layers of shame and judgement, then the layers of rubbish will also disappear.

I've seen more psychologists than I can count for anxiety and depression. Some more helpful than others. There have been two different psychs who I've mentioned this to. The first was quite dismissive, the second didn't care about the junk but wanted to explore why I felt so bad about it - which was all way too scary at the time. But I'm starting to feel a bit tougher thanks to the support here

@Dimity

Thank you for your reply, and the link to your amazing thread! I feel a bit broken record saying overwhelmed over and over, but that's how I've felt this weekend. But I feel like in the past I would have said I can't deal with this and maybe made some extra mess just to feel safe. But now I'm saying I can't deal with this... right now. And I'm aware that there's good stuff going on in the back of my mind that's never quite as loud as the voice telling me I'm useless and lazy.

One of my big problems is all or nothing thinking. It's really hard for me to think about taking out one bottle, or emptying one box. Because OMG if I have to do that then there will be a second box and a third and I'll have to tackle the walk in robe and OMG OMG OMG it's easier to just not start. But I'm aware of how helpful it can be to sneak up on stuff. And I'm finally realising how important the be kind step is and while I'm not very good at that, I think if I check in here for that kindness, it's going to make everything else much easier.

@Chantarelle

,

I think you are very brave to mention this to your psychologists. That takes guts! When you are ready and in your own time, you might want to explore how you feel about mess, but only if you want to. There is no pressure to explore your feelings - you are the one who gets to say what you would like to talk about in therapy. It's your time.

I have a complicated relationship to cleaning and mess. I do keep on top of it, but I always feel there is more I should be doing. I wouldn't say I am a perfectionist, but I am very attached to how things look for some reason. I don't know why but perhaps because my mother hated housework and forced herself to do it, I don't know. She always seemed very exhausted. I don't know if you have someone you trust who you could invite over for a bit of a cleaning day or if that is an overwhelming thought? I don't want to overwhelm you.

I usually put on music and think of it as getting some exercise - that helps me feel positive about it.

I'm glad you are finding it a positive experience talking to others. Me too, I am very new here.

@DahliaDreams

I'm also new here, and somehow among all the email notifications I missed your reply, so sorry for the late response.

I think the psych that I first mentioned this to thought that I was a bit of a perfectionist and said something like you probably already clean more than you need to. So yeah, I felt unheard, but to be fair, I didn't really push it. There's so much shame and embarrassment that I didn't really want to talk about it anyway. My mum was also pretty slack at the housework. There were six kids in my house, so I guess there's a reason for being exhausted, but she didn't seem to ever want kids. Knitting and TV were enough company for her. I hate how much I have in common with that. But I have to remind myself that I also work, and TV and knitting are hobbies for me. They're not all day, every day things, at the expense of looking after anyone else.

I don't really have any support or anyone I'd ask to help. I used to know someone who loved cleaning other people's houses which I find so weird! I'd imagine what it would look like if I asked her to help me, and I know she would have, but again, I'm just so embarrassed, and I'd rather do it on my own, and I know I CAN do it on my own. So if I won't ask for help because I can do it myself, then I should just do it... but tomorrow. It's always so much easier to start tomorrow.

@Chantarelle

here we both are online at the same time. The Xmas stress is kicking in now, as I have family coming over. I am also realising that I some have anxiety around cleaning, even though I somehow get it done. At the moment there are things lying around on every surface of the kitchen and loungeroom, so I will tackle that today. There are also spider webs in the corners, I don't even see them until they catch the light.

That's not to diminish your feelings at all, Chantarelle. I understand completely about your desire to do your cleaning alone. I understand that you didn't feel heard by the psychologist. I think the psychologist was just assuming things without really listening to you. I honestly think they look at us and make assumptions even though they must be told not to do that. Perhaps you just looked like a tidy person in her eyes 🙁. But who knows.

It's a completely different situation - but I have also had things I've said to doctors and psychologists dismissed too. Because I kind of look okay. It's like I have to break down sobbing for anyone to believe I'm not okay.

I don't know how you feel about making a list of what needs doing to help you process it and make it feel doable. Let me know if that's not a good fit for you. I personally feel a sense of control when I make a list.

Hello @Chantarelle @DahliaDreams

Yes I always hope to start tomorrow too. And horizontal surfaces... well mine are all under piles of stuff.

This year I've had a little subsidised home help which is an incentive to keep floors clearer than they were. There's some shame and guilt but I appreciate the help, and I appreciate seeing someone regularly as I'd been very isolated.

Hello @Chantarelle how are you going?

@DahliaDreams @Dimity

Hi to both of you, and thanks for checking in. Sorry for the late reply. I wouldn't have thought it was possible, but my house feels even worse than it did when I first posted here. I know it's not realistic, but I think a tiny part of me expected that I might post here and get lots of support and understanding (that part did happen) and then I'd be miraculously cured and I'd have endless energy (that part didn't happen). I finished up at work on Wednesday for the Christmas break and after 3 days of holiday I would have liked to have some things ticked off but all I've done is make more mess.

Once or twice a year I go away somewhere (often quite close to home) so that I can feel clean for a couple of days. Clean shower and clean floors to walk on. I'm heading out to do this tonight and tomorrow night (been booked for a couple of months). I'm looking forward to getting away from my mess for a bit, but as always I planned on my home being much nicer when I left so it would be nice to come home to, but as always, I didn't find time to get to it. Found plenty of time to sit around watching the cricket though!

I hope you both had a nice Christmas and it didn't add to the stress.

Hi @Chantarelle

that's great that you are going away for a few days. That sounds very therapeutic. I'm glad you are finding support here on the forums. I like being here too, I feel kind of seen, I guess.

Don't be too hard on yourself regarding the mess. Sometimes when I am cleaning, I realize how hard I am on myself - how I am judging myself. I wonder why I feel that way?

I know your feelings are different to mine. Whatever you feel is valid. I hope you enjoy your getaway.

Ah @Chantarelle the miraculous cure and endless energy are on my wish list too. They never happen so I try to do a bit each day. I use the free version of the Daylio app to keep track. In 2025 I was only 49% successful but hey that's better than nothing.

Escaping sounds good - hopefully to a nice place? Does the cat get a holiday too?

Interesting your priorities are shower and floors. They happen to be what I get help with (once a fortnight). I guess that's something to focus on to find a work around eg spray and squeegee before getting out. My helper is slack re cleaning grout so I'm following up sometimes.

I need to work through stacks of stuff on tabletops and benches.

Hello @DahliaDreams