Self sabotage

Hi everyone

I have been thinking about this for a while now and thought I would write it on here. As a lot of you already know I have been struggling the effects of childhood sexual abuse, depression, anxiety, BPD. As well as this my parents disowning me after I disclosed my abuse to them. I have a very controlling and manipulative mother.

At times when i feel like my life is just okay i start to sabotage it. I will ring Lifeline often; i will come on here more often; i will write to moderators; i will stop taking my meds; i will sh and tell Lifeline about my suicide thoughts; and I think I do all these things to:

1. get back at myself for not being a better person
2. to get back at my parents, to show them how hurt i am and make them feel guilty
3. to seek help
4. a cry for help

I am really scared of getting better (i know this isn;t going to make sense and I may sound really stupid for saying this) but i do get very scared and fear getting better because i know i will lose my support people.

in my head i know that once i am better, they will say to me 'okay you are much better now, we don't need to see you.

Am i attaching myself far too much to my support people? is it because i have been abandoned by my parents that i fear everyone else will.

My psychologist mentioned something this week - that i am a risk taker. I am doing things to 'see what will happen'. And this is a cry for help.

but i don't see myself as a 'risk taker'.

I see myself as a lonely, scared woman who has struggled for such a long time with depression, anxiety and the trauma of childhood abuse. i see myself as a very lost girl, a girl who doesn't know much at all about life; was never spoken to about life or shown anything by her mum. i see myself as a girl who lost her childhood - and this is making me really angry. I have lost a lot in my life; i have lost friends, childhood, family, cousins. i have lost myself that little girl that just wanted to be alone under her doona.

Tears flow for this girl. Forgivness - not. how do i forgive. how do i forget. how do i let it all go.

i just can't. the tears are too much. the pain in my heart is torture; it;s like it's killing and tearing my heart apart. my throat is raw from the pain.

i need to stop. i am sorry for writing this. i just needed to vent.