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Self sabotage

BlueBaySenior Contributor10 Mar 2017, 8:13 am AEDT

Self sabotage

Hi everyone

I have been thinking about this for a while now and thought I would write it on here. As a lot of you already know I have been struggling the effects of childhood sexual abuse, depression, anxiety, BPD. As well as this my parents disowning me after I disclosed my abuse to them. I have a very controlling and manipulative mother.

At times when i feel like my life is just okay i start to sabotage it. I will ring Lifeline often; i will come on here more often; i will write to moderators; i will stop taking my meds; i will sh and tell Lifeline about my suicide thoughts; and I think I do all these things to:

get back at myself for not being a better person
to get back at my parents, to show them how hurt i am and make them feel guilty
to seek help
a cry for help

I am really scared of getting better (i know this isn;t going to make sense and I may sound really stupid for saying this) but i do get very scared and fear getting better because i know i will lose my support people.

in my head i know that once i am better, they will say to me 'okay you are much better now, we don't need to see you.

Am i attaching myself far too much to my support people? is it because i have been abandoned by my parents that i fear everyone else will.

My psychologist mentioned something this week - that i am a risk taker. I am doing things to 'see what will happen'. And this is a cry for help.

but i don't see myself as a 'risk taker'.

I see myself as a lonely, scared woman who has struggled for such a long time with depression, anxiety and the trauma of childhood abuse. i see myself as a very lost girl, a girl who doesn't know much at all about life; was never spoken to about life or shown anything by her mum. i see myself as a girl who lost her childhood - and this is making me really angry. I have lost a lot in my life; i have lost friends, childhood, family, cousins. i have lost myself that little girl that just wanted to be alone under her doona.

Tears flow for this girl. Forgivness - not. how do i forgive. how do i forget. how do i let it all go.

i just can't. the tears are too much. the pain in my heart is torture; it;s like it's killing and tearing my heart apart. my throat is raw from the pain.

i need to stop. i am sorry for writing this. i just needed to vent.

22 replies

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In response to: Self sabotage

utopiaSenior Contributor10 Mar 2017, 7:28 pm AEDT

Re: Self sabotage

@BlueBay. I don't know if you do have transference. It's purely that I realise I have - and it's brought up an issue that I'm stuck on.
You have 2 very distinct families.
Your parents and siblings.
Your husband and children & future grandbabies.
Your first family is toxic and is unable to give you what you need and deserve.
Your new (20 plus years) family can and do give you what you need and deserve. This family isn't toxic. They appreciate the mum you are. They love having you in their life.
The aim is to focus purely on this family. All your energy goes here.
Don't give your mum any more of your power. She doesn't deserve it.
Work with your therapists to finally say - "that is over now."
Change can be extremely scary. But I think what would be the scariest - would be if you are still holding on to your anger and hurt from your mum & your past.
You can get through this. I can see you living a happy and fulfilled life.
Keep focusing on your true family. The one with you now

In response to: Self sabotage

Phoenix_RisingSenior Contributor10 Mar 2017, 7:34 pm AEDT

Re: Self sabotage

@BlueBay wrote:
Hey @Former-Member
You know I was 'thrown out' of a forum for being on there too often and after a few emails they decided to block me forever. It is a major mental health organisation. I was and still am shocked at their behaviour. they are meant to help people with mental illness and yet i got thrown off. not even a second chance, because i tried and they knew who i was. so yeah another type of rejection, abandonment, thrown out. Do you know how that feels; to be rejected by a huge mental health organisation.

I'm not going to say a lot on this thread @BlueBay because I'm struggling with my own big feelings. However, I did want to tell you that yes, I know what it is like to be rejected like that. I haven't been thrown off a forum, but I have been excluded by two different churches after each minister took an apprehended violence order out against me and I've had numerous other people threaten legal action if I didn't stay away from them - the lastest one being the boss of the uni counsellor I worked so super well with. That was only in December. I know what it is like to be rejected by those who you thought were safe and that you could trust.

Regarding getting better and thus losing support...well...as I've mentioned before, I have only recently disentagled myself from the complex relationship I was in with my psychologist for sixteen years. Someone mentioned transference - the other side of that is countertransference where the therapist projects stuff onto the client in response to the transference. It gets horribly messy and makes muddles far more muddled. I am now so confused trying to make sense of professional boundaries etc. I don't know which way is up, so no words of wisdom from me on that one!

Anyway, as I said, I justed wanted you to know that I very much get the abandonment stuff. In that way, methinks we are similar. But come, it is Friday night. Let us feast!!!!

In response to: Self sabotage

utopiaSenior Contributor10 Mar 2017, 10:18 pm AEDT

Re: Self sabotage

@Phoenix_Rising. I read about the counter-transference last night via my friend google.
it does sound like it makes things horribly messy.
I'm glad you finally managed to untangle yourself from it. Not easy to do. Well done!

In response to: Re: Self sabotage

Unknown userMember11 Mar 2017, 9:33 am AEDT

Re: Self sabotage

Hi @BlueBay, @Phoenix_Rising

I just wanted to add that I haven't been excluded from organisation before. I can't imagine how what would feel. I do know what it felt like when my psychologist cut contact because I SH at her premises and I couldn't even say goodbye or discuss why. It was hell. It still affects me to this day so I can imagine the affect it's had on both of you. Thanks for sharing. I'm sorry it took a bit of time for me to get back to you about it. Wishing you both well 💜🤗

In response to: Self sabotage

BlueBaySenior Contributor11 Mar 2017, 3:59 pm AEDT

Re: Self sabotage

Actually @Former-Member
I'm still furious at that. How can they. They are meant to help people suffering mental illness. Yet the banned me. I feel like writing to them. Maybe I should.
I need a distraction today otherwise the heading of this topic may become real 😥

In response to: Re: Self sabotage

Unknown userMember11 Mar 2017, 4:10 pm AEDT

Re: Self sabotage

I've got a distraction idea which you may like or not @BlueBay. Why don't you look to the future. Maybe make a scrap book of ideas of things you could do with your grand child. Things like taking them to feed ducks, looking for things in your area you could do on the cheap or for free. Ideas for toddlers, school age etc. it might just help to turn you around today but be cool to keep and jot ideas down, then when your caught babysitting you won't have to think what are we going to do today you'll be able to look at your book. Sorry if you dont like the idea, it just jumped into my head. I hope your day gets better💜🤗💐

In response to: Self sabotage

BlueBaySenior Contributor11 Mar 2017, 9:08 pm AEDT

Re: Self sabotage

Love the idea @Former-Member
Thankyou ❤

In response to: Self sabotage

BlueBaySenior Contributor11 Mar 2017, 9:10 pm AEDT

Re: Self sabotage

Actually was getting excited before. Looking online how to make a baby quilt. Can't wait to start sewing and knitting.

In response to: Self sabotage

JasJacSenior Contributor12 Mar 2017, 12:54 pm AEDT

Re: Self sabotage

Hi @BlueBay, what a great post you put up, it really highlights that you have a great ability to pull things apart to understand some of the things you do!

as @utopia pointed out there won't be voids in your life when you get better. It will be filled with activities, joy and calm. The poeple you spend time with sre soo much better than mental health people - if you can imagine that 🙂

I am sooo sorry to hear that you were banned by a major mental health organisation. they talk about facilitating hope and at the same time make subjective decisions that are not suitable to your individual situation.

I have been rejected by a major mental health organisation too. I would be happy to name them. i didn't get to say goodbye or wish anyone well which goes against facilitating connectedness which is protective in recovery, and worse they wouldn't give me back my stuff which i left behind. i didn't get to have a say in what happened and am more than sure what was documented was moslty a cover up. I hope you enjoy making that blanket!

In response to: Re: Self sabotage

JasJacSenior Contributor12 Mar 2017, 12:58 pm AEDT

Re: Self sabotage

Hey @Phoenix_Rising. I'm glad to hear you've untangled yourself from your psychologist and sorry to hear about being banned. I think sometimes services aren't really upfront with boundaries or something scares them and then they bring out a rule without warning. wishing you more connections and freedom from any further legal stuff.

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