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In a bad way right now. Don't know what to do. Again.

In a bad way right now. Don't know what to do. Again.

Hi all.
(Im ok, not going to do anything, etc, etc. Sorry mods I've forgotten all things you've asked to put up here)
I've been off the forums for a while due to the negativity I've (personally) experienced, but am at the point where I need to do *something* about my spiraling mental health.
I can't go to hospital and can't call support numbers becuase I (personally) don't trust them. Same with seeing a shrink. And before anyone says anything, no I'm not suggesting others shouldn't trust the MH profession, but I don't for my own personal reasons.


The fact is I'm losing the fight. I look back on my life and just see so much sadness. I look back and see so many points in my past where I think I should've been better or "if only I tried a little bit harder". But the fact is I was - I was doing the best I could do at the time. And it wasn't enough.

I feel so much sadness around the family I wanted to have, but never could. So much sadness about how the people I loved got worn out by me. Of the friends that have given up and gone away.

I feel so much sadness seeing how life has just become so narrowed down. From one day being surrounded by commnity and friends, then a few, then none at all. From being with a partner, planning a future and a family, coming home to a house that was lived in, to nothing at all. Everything is just so lonely now.

I don't want to say I failed at life because I don't think I ever had an equal starting ground to begin with. But I kinda wish that I wasn't so foolish enough to think that I was ever "normal" and could expect normal things.

47 replies

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In response to: In a bad way right now. Don't know what to do. Again.

Re: In a bad way right now. Don't know what to do. Again.

Hey @Jlol , great to see you.

Thanks for popping in. I'm sorry to hear that things have been tough for you.

As @RachSANECEO mentioned, you may want to have a look at Recovery Club. There is no rule that says you have to use your real name. As @rav3n said, you don't even have to keep your camera on.

Totally up to you if you wanted to have a squiz. https://www.sane.org/recovery-club

They are facilitated by staff from SANE and there is a moderator present as well.

There is absolutely no pressure to say a single word during the zoom, and in some ways some members have found this is less pressure. There are also some instances where members interact more via the chat than spoken.

Feel free to ask any questions you may have.

In response to: Re: In a bad way right now. Don't know what to do. Again.

Re: In a bad way right now. Don't know what to do. Again.

Thanks @tyme

To take you up on your offer to ask questions, I guess it would be good to know the following:

  • What does "recovery" look like to Sane/the group? What is their definition?
    • At what point is someone deamed "recovered"?
  • What's the difference between "Weekly mental health recovery groups" and "Fortnightly online recovery catch-ups"?
  • What is a Recovery Plan?
    • What is you can't achieve it?
    • What if it isn't very affective?
    • What if I fail it?
    • And, more likely, what if I am unable to follow it due to health and work obligations?
  • It says that the groups and meetups are accessed online, but the registration form asks for a phone number? I can use an anonymous email address, but how can I stay anonymous if they have my number?
    • I know I'm not particularly popular amoung some Sane staff. If I cannot be anonymous, how is this handled?
  • Stupid question, but I have to ask: how can I safely talk about the "S" word without threat or fear of retribution?

Many thanks

In response to: Re: In a bad way right now. Don't know what to do. Again.

Re: In a bad way right now. Don't know what to do. Again.

Hey @Jlol ,

Thanks for sharing those questions. For the logistics side of things, @0ddsidian , can you respond about the recovery groups?

I'll respond as much as I can from my side:

  • At what point is someone deamed "recovered"?

Not sure this is a thing. I feel it's a lifelong journey. However, I go by WHO's definition: The WHO constitution states: "Health is a state of complete physical, mental and social well-being and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity.

In response to: Re: In a bad way right now. Don't know what to do. Again.

Re: In a bad way right now. Don't know what to do. Again.

Thanks tyme

"

  • At what point is someone deamed "recovered"?

Not sure this is a thing."

...damn that's depressing

In response to: Re: In a bad way right now. Don't know what to do. Again.

Re: In a bad way right now. Don't know what to do. Again.

What does 'recovered' mean to you @Jlol ?

Sounds strange, but it seems like I'm starting to 'get' how you sort of see/process things. I don't know how to explain it.

I just want to say I recognise your vulnerability in reaching out. Also, @0ddsidian will get to your questions within the next few days they said 🙂

I can't tell you not to be depressed, but I hope you aren't???

Can I hold hope for you?

I just want to say it's good to see you 🙂

In response to: Re: In a bad way right now. Don't know what to do. Again.

Re: In a bad way right now. Don't know what to do. Again.

@tyme

"What does 'recovered' mean to you @Jlol ?"

Hmm. Guess the best I can come up with is getting back to state of mind I had when I was a child (prior to all the C-PTSD bullshit setting in) on school holidays. No school, young enough to feel that 2 weeks off was an eternity, not having many choices in life (hell, I was a kid after all) but just rolling with it and seeing what each day brought. Sure, some days were pretty boring, and some days just sucked. But you knew that was just part of life and the next day would be different so you weren't too hung up on it.

Haha I guess in other words just not having to live with the constant mini-traumas you get from jumping from one shitty event to another before you've had time to even process and recover from the first.

"Sounds strange, but it seems like I'm starting to 'get' how you sort of see/process things. I don't know how to explain it."

Haha, could you try? I'd like to know it too! Seriously.

"I can't tell you not to be depressed, but I hope you aren't???"

Sounds silly, but I honestly don't think I'm depressed. I just have such a huge, constantly growing pile of unresolved trauma that it leaks out and everyone thinks I am.

In response to: Re: In a bad way right now. Don't know what to do. Again.

Re: In a bad way right now. Don't know what to do. Again.

Hi @Jlol! Nice to meet you (I'm so sorry if we've ever interacted and I've forgotten!)

Thanks for tagging me @tyme. Happy to help and try to answer some of these questions. This might be a lot of information but I'll try to be as succinct as I can be.

1. What does "recovery" look like to SANE / the group? What is their definition?
- Short answer; there isn't one singular definition that we go by. People define recovery for themselves and are the experts in their own recovery. The questions "What does recovery mean to you?" was actually posed to participants in a group earlier this week, and there were many different responses.
- On a personal level; I believe my recovery is life-long. It's an ongoing process. Part of my recovery journey included accepting that I will never be exactly the same person I was before my mental health issues arose, but that that isn't necessarily a bad thing for me.

2. What's the difference between "Weekly mental health recovery groups" and "Fortnightly online recovery catch-ups"?
- The "weekly mental health recovery groups" actually occur 14 times a week. Each group is centered around one of the following topics; Connection, Hope, Identity, Meaning, Empowerment, and our Rainbow Connections group (for LGBTQIA+ participants). The groups are predominantly group discussion, with some psychoeducation. No two groups are exactly the same, as they are centered around whatever participants share.
- The "Fortnightly online recovery catch-ups" are not based on a particular topic. They generally look like discussions about things relating to mental health recovery (the topic changes week to week. This week it was just "recovery", the week before it was self-compassion I think), opportunties to connect with other RecoveryClub participants, and the opportunity to ask the facilitators any questions that you might have about the program.

3. What is a Recovery Plan?
- This is a plan / template that we can use to help record things that are important for an individual's recovery, and what goals someone might be wanting to achieve with their recovery. It is not compulsory to fill this out in RecoveryClub but it can be a helpful guide.
- Each participants decides what they want to include in their Recovery Plan, so it's very self-guided. If it isn't affective or particular goals aren't "achieved", participants can review it and make changes.
- Because RecoveryClub is self-guided, it means you do everything at your own pace and when you feel ready. There's an infinite number of ways that people can engage in the program.

4. It says that the groups and meetups are accessed online, but the registration form asks for a phone number? I can use an anonymous email address, but how can I stay anonymous if they have my number?
- Yes, the referral form requires some personal details to be included. It doesn't have to be a legal name, and it can be a chosen name. Phone numbers and email addresses are also collected and stored securely. The phone number in particular is used for if there is an emergency situation.
- The groups are held on ZOOM, and you can choose to register for the group using a preferred name (whatever you want the facilitators to call you), however please register for the group with the email address used when signing up for RecoveryClub, so that we can make sure it's actually you (when you enter the ZOOM waiting room).
- When we talk about anonymity in RecoveryClub, it relates to between participants. Only first names / preferred names are used as display names in the groups. The staff who are facilitating the groups will be able to see your contact details if you sign up for RecoveryClub.

5. Stupid question, but I have to ask: how can I safely talk about the "S" word without threat or fear of retribution?
- Not a stupid question at all. One of the group guidelines is that we ask participants not to go into explicit or graphic details about a range of topics (similar to the Forums community guidelines). Suicide is one of those topics. We ask that conversation around things like suicide, SI and SH be kept more general in nature, but the topics aren't taken off the table completely. If the facilitators suspect a someone is at risk of harm to themselves or others they might send you a private message in ZOOM or move you to a breakout room to check-in and see if you might need help from a service outside of SANE (e.g. 000, 1800Respect, LifeLine etc). So, to be honest and upfront with you; the groups aren't a space for people to have detailed discussions about suicide. I absolutely don't want to mislead you on that.
- The groups aren't therapy groups, and I wouldn't necessarily call them support groups either. They're not designed to go into a lot of detail about people's individual stories and experiences, and they do have a little bit of structure to them. They're more around general discussion about a topic, some psychoeducation and a bit of connection.

6. Other potentially helpful info
- We absolutely have people participate in the groups in a range of ways. A lot of people choose to just use the ZOOM chat to share their thoughts, which are then often read out loud or responded to in the chat. Some people turn their camera and / or mics on. Some people also just choose to sit back and listen like it's a podcast, so sometimes the groups are quieter. We just let people come as they are and participate in a way that works for them.
- The groups aren't generally very large, so there's usually many opportunities for people to speak. That chat function can also be good to help make sure people get an opportunity to share. The facilitators try to ensure the conversation isn't dominated by anyone.
- RecoveryClub has been around since August 2024, so it's not that new anymore (which I'm very proud of!). We've had some really lovely feedback from participants, and other people have felt it doesn't meet a need that they have, which is totally fine.

I know that @Oaktree shared that she's previously participated in the program. There's a couple of responses in THIS thread about some experiences.

I hope this has helped. I know it's a lot of information to take in. I'll be back around next week if you have any more questions that the other mods can't answers.

In response to: Re: In a bad way right now. Don't know what to do. Again.

Re: In a bad way right now. Don't know what to do. Again.

Hey @Jlol hope ur ok. Idk what to say

That convo prior has left me triggered but I think ur questions were fair. I was in a treatment recently and I made an off joke about wishing someone i hated would just....not be here.

I was promptly sectioned

They never told me they found the comment concerning or asked what I meant

Id been watching vanderpump rules and ppl always tell each other they should just die or they hate them or call each other demonic little creatures.

I had to explain i have no histroy of violence and meant it passively like that person ruined my recovery but I dont wish them bad. I wish it hadn't impacted me so much but I think the clinician made me feel unsafe in their defensive stance.

In response to: Re: In a bad way right now. Don't know what to do. Again.

Re: In a bad way right now. Don't know what to do. Again.

@Jlol also respectfully being unpopular with sane staff is a good thing. I loved the sane helpline though RIP

In response to: Re: In a bad way right now. Don't know what to do. Again.

Re: In a bad way right now. Don't know what to do. Again.

@Jlol

@0ddsidian went into a very detailed response and I am not sure that I have much else to offer.

I did Recovery Club from Sep 24 - Feb 25. I got a lot out of it initially. I did each of the groups about half a dozen times each. Each session was unique due to different group members bringing their own different and unique perspectives. Sometimes someone would say something in such a way as to spark some thought or curiosity for yourself. For me recovery isn't about going back to who you were pre-illness. It's about living a more satisfying or meaningful life. I am in recovery but I am not recovered and probably will never achieve that but that is ok. I am thinking about signing up for recovery club again actually, but I will probably wait a bit.

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