MBT Therapist in Melbourne and surrounding suburbs

Hi @peaceandsafety that does sound raw. The immediate loss is so hard. How is ur grief and process? Ppl grieve in such diff ways and sometimes it can be isolating while going through it

I hate the platitudes surrounding grief.

I am at home sick today. Feel exhausted.

@EternalFlower

My grief process is painful. I've lost someone dear to me, someone I shared so many beautiful memories with. I also lost the joy of spending time with her daughters. Such. Beautiful young humans.

The dark thoughts are knocking.

I hate knowing that I am incapable of maintaining a relationship. That I am to live out far too many years alone.

No one to date, to be close to. To plan things with. To bind spiritually and physically with. That knowledge pains my soul to no end.

I want to be better. I don't want to be like this anymore. I want to come from a please of abundance, not lack.

I am sorry to hear that you are unwell.

Can you rest, do something nice for yourself?

Hi @tyme these conversations about Spectrum at times have really hurt me. I feel like most of what I says gets ignored like I never said it. It feels like theres not much interest in me as a person and how I experienced spectrum. I would never tell someone that what happened to them isnt real. It feels soul destroying and retraumatising and like being crushed when I share something and its treated that way. No worries and enjoy the engagement with Spectrum to whoever likes it.

Hey @peaceandsafety I'm sorry u feel alone

Sometimes loves feel like the centre of the earth and the absence of it makes the world feel smaller.

But there is love in daily life too I feel.

My friend bought me sushi but im feeling a bit unwell. My gp said to rest up and drink hot drinks and ill be ok. Ill try keep having warm tea. How was ur day today? How did u wake up in the morning and did the day flow?

Thank you @EternalFlower.

I don't have recollections of feeling, loved, nurtured, free to explore, able to make my own mistakes as a child. Compared to others. Had strong guardrails placed around me.

This is why when I feel love with a partner, I place them at the centre of my world.

And then my schemas kick in without me having any control and I break it all.

Yum! Sushi!

Funny story, first time I had sushi in my early teens, I was told the wasabi was avocado. I love avocado so I lathered it on...

It took me almost 10 years to trust sushi again.

I woke up feeling really isolated. The world seemed so quiet. This should be peaceful right?

It felt like I could have been the last human on the planet.

Pushed the gym, had to fight an old pattern that came up. I felt repulsed by it and my intuition told me to fight it.

I worked in between all this. Decided to have a nap and broke down into tears when I woke.

Walked the botanical Gardens with my fp. Yes, spent time with her 2 days in a row. We discussed the concerns and challenges. I expressed that my goal is to get better. I don't know what that looks like but I need to get better.

She is very grounded.

I guess I'm looking at this like exposure therapy.

2 things can be true at the same time. I have deep love for her, but we cannot be together. Dichotomy.

How are you feeling this evening? Do you have some nice teas to enjoy? Don't forget the lemon and honey!

@peaceandsafety two things being true at the same time shows to me a lot of nuance and acceptance - and i think that's where good things grow. you can love someone and not be with them, true. You can also hold s omeone in your mind, with the love still strong. I don't know where i stand with love. Realising someone i trusted betrayed me very badly and now i feel the love wasn't love. I thought that his tantrum and harm to me was just a "slip" and a "mistake," but now i think that it was the real him, and the love and care was more the out of character part, an act, a con. The mask was on, and then it came off, and the tantrum was the true him. He caused hurt to me in a big way and left me in a traumatic way.

I like your gym routines. Getting stronger physically can help mentally, I think. You seem to get something from it, some connection to yourself? Glad to keep moving and sharing.

@EternalFlower

I am so sorry to hear you went through that. I can understand the mistrust that can come with being a recipient of that behaviour. Your feelings are valid and I can see that your sense of self protection to not go through that again is present.

I have not been the kindest to people, not explosive or mean, but silent and retreating, which is just as hurtful.

It sounds like his behaviour was a projection of what he felt about himself.

My nonno, bless his soul, told me something when I was very young that has stuck with me. When you point a finger at someone, there are 3 fingers pointing back at you.

Take strength in your own knowledge. Not everyone intentionally means to hurt others, but they can and that is the fear that holds us back. To be vulnerable, and also to have the self awareness and boundaries in our own grounding.

That is my battle. I wish to be so deep rotted in the knowing who I am that I am immovable. That is my hope for me, and for you. That knowledge provides clarity in the things that serve us, and the things that do not. It also gives us the clariry on the intent of what we are engaging in and the ability to recognise it within ourselves.

Easier said than done, but I've seen this in others and it is pure magic.

I suppose there is some mental resilience tied to the gym. To get under strain and mindfully move through it. Yoga was perfect for that when I was in that practice, there was no space in between for thoughts. A full hour of being grounded in my body.

hi @peaceandsafety i can relate to a lot of wht you write

i can see why the gym or yoga would give you that solid, uninterrupted time in your body. I can be cynical and say it doesn't "change" anything but maybe it does

being stong, and knowing your body is healthy, is a very good thing

good on u

your ability to take care or yourself shows your strength of chracter

i'm sorry about your fp 😞

@EternalFlower

Can I challenge you a little bit? Thought exercise more than anything. Intellectual brain vs emotional brain.

"doesn't change anything"

I get that, it comes from a place of desiring consistency, creating familiarity, taking out the unknown factors.

Does going to the gym make my whole day wonderful? Nope.

Does it give me 1 hour of less in my head. Yes.

Do I feel a little better about myself afterwards? It depends on where of the emotional scale I am.

I can't argue that it doesn't fix what I feel, but it does reduce some of those moments, even if only for a short time.

Kind of like work, I don't know what you do but I have lot of meetings and tons of complex processes. Working through that stuff, I'm distracted from my baseline temporarily.

Externally, I seem well put together. It's not how I feel underneath at all.

I guess what I'm trying to say is find the moments in between.

Reminds me of some music nerdiness, music is the silence between the notes.

Things will work themselves out with fp. I need to remind myself that I am my priority.

On another note, I had a screening call with a new psych. I've been seeing my current psych longer than time itself. He's great, but we have hit a limit.

This new therapist leans on CBT, dbt and schema. Whilst it's not MBT, I do want access to someone that provides a different feel and approach.

How are you doing today? Busy Friday?

I liked that challenge @peaceandsafety forgive me as I truly missed the message. Sorry to leave u hanging it was not my intention..ur right the act transforms something

I feel that about meditation. It doesnt change anything but it chwnges everything

I dont work unfortunately however I have a degree in literature and was a journalist in the past.