Struggles in caring for a partner

Hello @TeaPositive,

I am so glad to hear things have quietened down at home. Though, I completely understand why your trust would be shaken... it must be really scary to hear this come from your person.

I am happy to hear you are feeling supported and that he is now in inpatient support. I can imagine this definitely will give you some space to recalibrate. Is there anything coming up for you that you'd like to share or discuss? Absolutely no pressure, but just letting you know the space is here.

It must be really tough not feeling supported by work... I am so sorry to hear this. External counselling would be a really lovely way to nurture your wellbeing.

Have you been able to spend some time with friends or family/do anything that brings you back to your centre? 💛

Good morning @AuntGlow and others who stumble across this post. The last few days have been up and down, which is okay and understandable. I've not processed much more of the last few weeks, instead I find myself getting over-distracted and trying to keep busy, or falling in a heap and scrolling social media. I am able to step aside and see that while these are coping strategies in a way, they aren't helpful to me in the long run. I don't have family in the same country as me, and contact with them is very superficial and intermittent. I've not yet been able to spend time with friends, I have one friend that lives in the same state as me and our free times don't always align, but they have reached out which I am so grateful for. Some interstate friends have reached out also and I am remaining in contact sporadically with them. I struggle to connect at times and can feel being alone easier, although not always healthy.

Hello @TeaPositive 💛

I completely hear you... it would be hard to sit with and process all of what you're going through right now. I would be keeping busy and scrolling social media too! I get how they aren't always the most helpful coping strategies in the longterm, but I am curious to know how they could be helping you in the present?

It would be really, really tough managing most of this on your own. I am so glad you have been able to connect with people sporadically, even that makes a big difference. Has anyone provided any support that has resonated with you?

Hmm, I get that. What do you think makes being alone feel easier?

Talk soon. 🫶

Hi @AuntGlow thank you for your ongoing checking-in. I had a lovely interaction with a friend yesterday over brunch who offered a safe and gentle space for me when needed. Part of my struggles in processing what has come up is the feeling that things have built up over weeks, months and years. In addition, when I do speak or see my partner at the moment there is a lot more concerns being uncovered each week that I then add to my "pile".

I am writing this bit as much for myself to put thoughts and feelings into words, but also for others who maybe do the same. Scrolling social media is helping me cope by distracting me enough so I am not feeling into my body, as well as exhausting my brain so when I go to bed I am 'tired enough'. In the past what has also been helpful is to crochet/knit/colour-in or do yoga as I am listening to a podcast/audio-book or watching TV. It seems I am doing my own weird version of EMDR 🤣

Oh, I am so glad your friend offered that space for you to express yourself. 💛 @TeaPositive

I understand the feeling of things building up... and we often don't realise how much we are holding until it becomes too much to carry. Is there anything you would like to discuss here? I am happy to listen.

I am also wondering, does anything help you to discharge piling feelings/experiences?

Ah, I totally feel you on the social media front. Do you also follow a lot of therapy pages and then get pop-psyched out? 😅

I actually love that idea!! I think movement is absolutely medicine and being able to process in your own space sounds really helpful. Do you find walks outside help you too? My understanding is that it can be a subtle form of EMDR too?

Yes, absolutely... and it makes sense to crave what is familiar here. I understand that desire to be independent, it can somehow feel safer? (Especially where big emotions or the fear of being too much are present - I can relate to this too.)

I am curious though, what would it be like to explore allowing yourself to be seen in your vulnerability more often? It sounds like connecting with your friend was really helpful this week. 🥰

Good morning @AuntGlow

Hello @TeaPositive,

So sorry for my delay. 🫶

I am glad I can help provide some reflections for you to think about things, and we can absolutely focus on how to get through this more vulnerable and uncertain time.

I just read your most recent post and wanted to respond here.

I completely understand why hurt, anger, sadness, and grief would be coming up - this is a lot.

Would it be helpful to explore some 'stream of consciousness' writing on each of these 4 feelings? To help process and better understand the core of what's coming up? You don't have to share here, but you're absolutely welcome to.

I know things are very scary at the moment, and I can't imagine how painful the idea of losing him would be...

Are you a part of his care plan? Are you able to communicate your concerns with his treatment team at all?

Also, I know it's really tough right now to come back to you, but I want to make sure you're as supported as possible. So, looking at the next 24-48 hours:

• Who is one person you can reach out to?
• One thing you can do for yourself to support your overall nervous system regulation?
• And one professional support you could get into contact with?

We are here for you, okay?

Sending big hugs your way. 💛

Hello @TeaPositive,

How are you feeling today?

Aw, thank you! I do want to be present for you as much as I can be.

How did your stream of consciousness writing go? ☺️

Okay, I am glad you were able to gently nudge him in that direction - have you been able to receive any further information?

How did it feel to flag some of your mutual friends about what is happening?

Switching off social media and messages can be SO regulating. I sometimes forget just how overwhelming it is to be flooded with messages and information all the time; to always have to be accessible. I think moments of disconnection are really important. Eating regularly and time off sounds very helpful too. Did you end up taking the day for you?

Yay! That's great news. Please let me know if you end up going.

Also, I am here for whatever you'd like to use this space for, so just let me know and we can work on whatever feels good to get you through this more challenging period.

I really do believe that things will shift for you and your partner in time. 🫶

Today I am feeling more settled than I have been in over two months, all because my partner is home and things are feeling manageable.

My stream of consciousness writing was incredibly useful - I found little bits that helped me understand the threads of emotions that run from when I was quite young.

Returning to some of your questions, I didn't get a lot of information from my partner or his support team until quite late when he was discharged for a second time. Although things are settled now I am also going to be taking the time to access some additional support just for me to process what's happened so far.

I was extremely grateful to flag some of my mutual friends about what is happening at the time, now however I am experiencing feelings of shame, again things I shall take with me to process.

I didn't end up taking the day off work, I did however have a positive day at work, and then afterwards I crashed into a heap. The day got a little messy with more emotions from me spilling out (no one was at home so it was a safe outlet), and my partner also had a lot of emotions that I was trying to support from afar and while maintaining some boundaries for my own self-care. It was all a little upsetting on the day but I feel we handled it as best as we could in the moment. I got the chance to speak to our couple's therapist yesterday and she helped make some plans for how I can support myself and my partner as we continue to ensure both our mental health is being looked after.

So, where things are right now you predicted accurately that things will shift for myself and my partner in time. Thank you for walking alongside me during this time 💚