TeaPositiveSenior Contributor
Struggles in caring for a partner
*Good evening, I used to be on here quite frequently and then somehow I forgot my log-in details and password, months past and now it's been possibly a year since I last posted. I only happened to find another email address I must have used back in 2021 to register on here and now I am back.
I am not sure if I am seeking anything, maybe just acknowledgment and a space for my experience to be 'held'. Right now I find myself in a difficult space in my relationship, here is a brief summary:
- my partner and I have been together just over 8yrs
- he's been diagnosed with complex mental health struggles and currently going through legal battles from past trauma and childhood abuse
- over the past few months passive thoughts of suicide have been present
- today has been the first day where he voiced the thoughts of suicide and how hard each day is for him
I am straddling a difficult place as over the years my partner's mental health and thoughts of suicide have been a struggle for me. I work in mental health, yet living with someone who sometimes presents as one of my clients triggers an array of responses and reactions that I don't know how to deal with. Today all I could do was accept how my partner wasn't coping, hold him in bed as he fell asleep, and allow him the space and time to sleep the day away. This is not usual for him, he's not needed or wanted to sleep the day away for years. His psychologist is aware and has my number if she's concerned, his medication is well managed, he has a current referral for the local trauma clinic if he needs to be admitted, I am able and willing to discuss risk and safety plan if needed.
What I am struggling with is how selfish I feel when I hurt when he is like this. I miss him so much when he goes quiet and needs to withdraw, it triggers an old wound and my own abandonment issues, and it also reminds me of years of looking after a family member who had health issues. I go from being a mental health professional to someone who is anxious and scared of loosing their partner. My workplace is unfortunately not one of support, if my mind is worrying about my partner, and I feel unable to support a client who is also struggling with their mental health or suicidal thoughts, I am expected to be professional and compartmentalize. The rational part understands my role as a mental health worker and partner are separate, and the emotional part of me is feeling the lack of support and is struggling.
I am sure many of you reading this will find some things that sound familiar in your own experiences as this is part of the struggle of loving and caring for someone.
