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Something’s not right

Past has intruded in my present...AGAIN.

Past has intruded in my present...AGAIN.

Not sure how to say what I want so im just going to start. Was raised in a loving family, very Catholic and Labor. Priests and such were regular visitors. After one such man wouldn't leave me alone I threatened to tell. Afterall I had plenty of support. But I was presented with a picture of hell and told that any member of my family would go there if I did tell. My dad was very sick and in hospital and being there with him by myself I explained that I didn't like this guy. He said he'd fix it when he got home. That night an ulcer burst in his stomach and he died while being flown to a major hospital. My 9yr old brain knew that, not only had I killed my dad but I'd sent him to hell. The next day this priest began serialistic and ritualistic abuse. He'd made his point.

In my adult mind I know that I had nothing to do with dad's death but the doubt still remains. Studying child psychology in my teaching degree showed me theoretical view points but....and the buts continue.

Abuse doesn't just take away the obvious. I've lost faith, and cofidence, family, friends and I always come to the conclusion that it's my fault. Theory, as I said tells me no but my mind is often stronger and days like today, after months of no sleep because I'm scared to close my eyes for fear of what my subconcious will let in, leaves me exhausted, physically and mentally.

This is my 50th year...NOTHING to celebrate, only to mourn.

23 replies

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In response to: Past has intruded in my present...AGAIN.

Re: Past has intruded in my present...AGAIN.

@Appleblossom People, and one of my main supports keep telling me to go to the royal commission, to get monetary compensation for my life or how it has turned out. Money could do lots of things, I guess but my LIFE is /should be more important than money. Catholic compensation means little to them. Besides all those little envelopes that my mum struggled to place donations in, whether or not we were paying the bills should not go towards paying for an institutions downfalls.

@utopia@Former-Member@Former-Member@Zoe7 Anonymity meant that I couls start talking about these issues as a person. When chosing a name I looked at something that meant the most to me, not even a person and it wasn't until later that I realised that gender might become an issue. We just hear more about the young boys and their stories. Maybe it has even become more shocking, I'm not sure. And I suppose life long issues may correspond. I just had to step away to assess my needs, so thankyou all for your posts.

What really gets me is for 10 yrs this went on for me and NOONE knew. It would have killed my mum if she had have realised. I was her baby by 7yrs and maybe she was struggling after dad died and sometimes I look at my family life and think how great it was and wonder where the abuse even fitted in. No wonder there was noone looking for trouble like we all do today.

After mum died I suddenly found my scary past. Regression, forgetting, whatever you call it started to be destroyed. Spent a yr in hospital with serious infections going to surgery every 2nd day and it was like all my defences came down. And I remembered. I was truly alone and still am I suppose but I found you recently and have muttered a few deep down utterences already.so I'll continue if noone minds. So thank you all.

In response to: Re: Past has intruded in my present...AGAIN.

Re: Past has intruded in my present...AGAIN.

I am not sure the RC is involved in monetary issues. From my understanding, I have met 2 commissioners at various events, its more about talking to people collecting stories in a therapuetic manner, bringing to light situations where it went on and trying to prevent it for the future. Disclosing also makes it easier for others who are battling with the issues alone .. so I disclose.

Mind you I went through about 10 years where I would spit bricks and be furious if anyone tried to suggest money would repair the damage to my family and my life.

Money issues are completely separate .. I guess the current way to go about that is to apply ... for no win no fee ... suits.

I havent gone that way yet .. tho I might .. to make a point of it ..and highlight the issue ...

You need to do whats best for you ... and on your own timing.

In response to: Past has intruded in my present...AGAIN.

Re: Past has intruded in my present...AGAIN.

@Baileyboy. I'm glad you felt comfortable enough to post here. Keep posting whatever you need to, when ever you need to.
There are a few members on this forum who have also remembered their past abuse in the last few years.
They may join you here on your post - or maybe not. But hopefully you will find relief - sorry that's not the right word - from being able to talk here.

In response to: Re: Past has intruded in my present...AGAIN.

Re: Past has intruded in my present...AGAIN.

Was pushed into going to my local Catholic church years ago and asking, grovelling really for their help. I know that the people involved were trying to find a way for me to move forward but it nearly destroyed me and noone realises that. So guess what a meeting with the bishop's right hand man did. He gave me, not me but the Catholic councelling service 2 grand for therapy.... REALLY! The thing which has become clear to me is that they could not help me, I had to help myself. And at the time this just led to more self harm and with the so called help of a GP I became addicted to morphine. He used to give me an injection everytime I taked about a new memory, and withhold them if I wasn't stressed enough. What bloody hope did I have?

So now, I don't trust the church, the medical profession, the therapists or any organised group really. I belive in faith, although a god seems pretty much a fantasy to me, but I don't believe in religion. That's mans destruction of faith. The commandments? I say do unto others as you would have them do unto you, and you're half way there! That has become the basis of my belief system or what is left of it. But am always interested in other perspectives. It is the blind faith that gets me.

My extended family believe it all should be put in the past and yet do not speak to me, even if I see them down the street. So what does that say about faith/religion? Afterall they named their kids etc after this man so...I don't know. It just goes round and round. Confused again.

In response to: Past has intruded in my present...AGAIN.

Re: Past has intruded in my present...AGAIN.

@Baileyboy. I was not raised in religion. But was raised to know about different religions. So I don't believe in a church - as I have seen to much hypocrisy there. I don't like blind faith - because I believe we are here to learn, to grow, to evolve.
But I do believe in a god or a spirit. I believe that is our soul. That we all have that spirit within us. Some choose not to use it. And when they are in a position of power - that's when there can be devastating results.
Does your sister have faith in god or a church? Or have her early beliefs also been shattered?

In response to: Re: Past has intruded in my present...AGAIN.

Re: Past has intruded in my present...AGAIN.

@utopia I think most of my immediate family have had their faith shattered as a result of my disclosure. It makes me sad that they are not sure anymore. Mind you things about our religion had been questioned. They wouldn't let my elder sister marry in the Catholic church because some rule was broken. My other sister for whom I care quotes my beliefs, so I don't really know. My brother, who had left home when I was born wantd to deal with them himself, when I told him. I know they all feel various levels of guilt, which isn't fair and I don't know how to address this. How many ways can I say it's not your fault?

My cousins live in an alternate world when it comes to Catholicism. They preach it, push it, worship it's ways, but they don't live it. Hypocrisy should be their middle name. One of them became a priest and yes was involved in my abuse. Until recently I made excuses for this, but I just can't find it in me anymore. He died last year and I cried, for what I am not sure. When THE priest died I don't know what I felt. It was different everyday. His involvement in our lives was palpable, of course he officiated at dad's funeral.

How can people have faith when our world is so disappointing?

Finding a spirit or god may become more important to me as I continue my journey. I talk to both mum and dad like in prayer, asking for direction and thanking them for the good things that come my way..so there's something there, I guess...

In response to: Past has intruded in my present...AGAIN.

Re: Past has intruded in my present...AGAIN.

@Baileyboy. I'm glad you still speak to your mum and dad and thank them.
Idon't think it's the world that is disappointing and broken. I think some people are. Like those relatives you mentioned that don't 'walk the talk'.
At the same time there are some amazing people in this world. Your mum, dad, sister, brother. The teacher who inspired you. The neighbour who helps. The butcher who puts an 'extra' in your order. Etc.
I'm glad you have found this forum.

In response to: Re: Past has intruded in my present...AGAIN.

Re: Past has intruded in my present...AGAIN.

@Appleblossom reread your relply and was wondering about th royal commission. Im sure many people think that money changes hands and so sre able to validate the sorry campaign. I don't know what is more frustrating, a cheque or an empty sorry. We are the ones who HAVE to live with it so I think and I think you said it.. do whats right for yourself.

It confuses me and so my opinions jump erratically. How can people even begin to understand the impact this has had on our lives? I can hardly determine this myself. It just all seems too hard at the moment. When will I be ready to reenter the world emotionally? Day to day things happen, I mean I function, care for my sister, clean and cook and shop and everything. But maybe that front that I put on for others has become a very thin reality board inside me.

Do you ever think that if you just told everyone that it didn't happen, that you'd made a mistake, even that you'd lied, it would take the pressure off? Everyone waiting for you to get back on the horse and finding excuses when you don't gets so exhausting as I seem to disappoint every chance I get.

In response to: Re: Past has intruded in my present...AGAIN.

Re: Past has intruded in my present...AGAIN.

@utopia You are right. There are great people in our world. We meet them everyday. I make a point of complementing any good deeds I see, and I find it really sad to see how foreign it is to them. What can a thank you or a smile hurt? Everyone seems so ready to complain and yet to let someone know they've done a good thing doesn't enter their mind. Even in my personal life a simple thanks from my sister for a meal or a gift or anything would be nice once in a while. I mean we don't do things for what we get out of it... Anyway my very longwinded point is that those great people in our worlds need to be cherished and told about it,

My best friend knows my situation and after visiting started to see the life I have with my sister. So she makes me laugh as she'll end our conversations with... carry on rewardless!

In response to: Re: Past has intruded in my present...AGAIN.

Re: Past has intruded in my present...AGAIN.

Yes @Baileyboy people often jump to wrong conclusions .. about the whole subject ...how it starts .. what to do ... let alone the Royal Commission.... yes I think a lot of the clergy are out of their depth and many scared and overwhelmed ... a Geelong parish priest seems to advocate starting a fund ... its a pittance ... but a sign of acknowledgment ...

I did see some very intelligent presentations in the Vic Parliament about "Consequences of CSA" and I read most of the submissions online... it helped put my family issues in wider context .. but wont ever bring back my brother and sister .. who didnt need to die ..

I struggle to know the right thing to do .. had issues last Cristmas Eve at church etc ... for us survivors we need to keep taking the next step and not cower alone in fear and silence. I am glad you have disclosed.

@Baileyboy I am not big on advice ... but TODAY is the first day of the REST of our LIVES ... I'd just Choose the horses you want to ride .. dont get back on any you dont think are good for you .. learn to trust your instinct .. even tho that does get messed with ... put aside time & energy for you to discover what does turn you on in a GOOD and WHOLESOME way ..

Yes we need to care for others .. a bit cos none of us are islands ... learn to find the right boundaries ... so you can do self care as well

I have been devastated by the destruction and alienation in my family ...

BTW I actually got back on a REAL horse that I fell off when I was riddled with pain and out with children & extended family ... I was so terrified I'd rocked the boat of a lovely family afternoon ... I jumped back on that horse .. I am not a good rider .. it was the speed & automaticness .. of it that surprised and shocked the owner of the riding school ... with me panicking saying .. I am fine ... I am fine .. I wasnt really fine was nastily bruised etc .. SH and spine issues so much back then so "felt nothing" ... anyway that part of my story is history now .. I do look after myself much better now. 15 years ago I promised self .. not to keep hurting uncessarily. Its the best I can offer.

When I first started on the forums .. I had to learn what boundaries in relationships even meant .. still learning .. but I do have optimism for my children & I and hope eventually .. you find some too.

We can beat this.

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