BaileyboySenior Contributor
Past has intruded in my present...AGAIN.
Not sure how to say what I want so im just going to start. Was raised in a loving family, very Catholic and Labor. Priests and such were regular visitors. After one such man wouldn't leave me alone I threatened to tell. Afterall I had plenty of support. But I was presented with a picture of hell and told that any member of my family would go there if I did tell. My dad was very sick and in hospital and being there with him by myself I explained that I didn't like this guy. He said he'd fix it when he got home. That night an ulcer burst in his stomach and he died while being flown to a major hospital. My 9yr old brain knew that, not only had I killed my dad but I'd sent him to hell. The next day this priest began serialistic and ritualistic abuse. He'd made his point.
In my adult mind I know that I had nothing to do with dad's death but the doubt still remains. Studying child psychology in my teaching degree showed me theoretical view points but....and the buts continue.
Abuse doesn't just take away the obvious. I've lost faith, and cofidence, family, friends and I always come to the conclusion that it's my fault. Theory, as I said tells me no but my mind is often stronger and days like today, after months of no sleep because I'm scared to close my eyes for fear of what my subconcious will let in, leaves me exhausted, physically and mentally.
This is my 50th year...NOTHING to celebrate, only to mourn.
