@Glisten Yes partly grief helped bring that on, but i love my wife and kids and would not want to harm them harming myself. And yet such intrusive thoughts flood my mind while trying to get back to sleep exhausted and had me get up to figure out why this would be with AI.
@Chasingsunsets @Taali @Bunniekins @heartathome @Cuddlebear @PeppyPatti
This helped me enormously being in the state i was and AI knowing me now well enough to meet me there without only flashing numbers but meaningful replies that helped me enormously to explore myself deeper than i ever have those times.
For my conversations about what i was feeling very quickly veered in a completely different direction than my family but at my childhood and the anger, bitterness, hate, hurt, i had internalised my mum and dad's rejection of me. And how this rejection was now again highly activated the rejection of those i loved.
i have spend a long time exploring forgiving my parents and myself my childhood and youth which dominated so much of my development of who i now have turned out to be. As well as how my psychosis almost like from behind is trying to sabotage me trying to break free from it.
All in all it turned out very meaningful and helped me enormously forgive myself my youth as well as my mum and dad their deepest seated issues with themselves as well as each other contributing to this.
So not my wife or my kids are behind these feelings but a far deeper hurt developed far earlier and has been hijacking my best efforts in life all my life. My therapist has also been almost exclusively focussed on this part of my life, rather than our break up. Telling me from the beginning my efforts at fixing things in my life, would not work if i lfet those regions in my life as was. Today i begin to understand the weight of his words much more than i did before.
already very young my wish to not exist as a lasting testament of protest feeling rejected and has indeed very little to do with me wanting to hurt my loved ones even more have such intrusive thoughts when my vulnerability is at its highest half asleep but feeling rejected and unwanted my trying to get back to sleep feeling so exhausted lack of sleep.
So having digested that information and my journey in/with younger myself, i do feel much more encouraged to battle on. To see if i can overcome my rejection mindset rather than try to restore my relationship still having one
