@heartathome @Chasingsunsets @MissGremlin @Bunniekins @GezzaP @peppypatti @cuddlebear @Taali
My highlight this morning was an email from my wife voicing much more hope for us than she has been recently. Her finally being far more open and honest of where she was at, and what had fuelled her choices the last three months. No magic fix or anything, but it was her first reply without accusations or more blame and she voiced much more understanding and sympathy towards my position than she had done the last 4-5 weeks
Otherwise i'm rather run down this morning.
I was up most of the night after a phone call with my mum for her birthday (92) Not because it was a painful call, but because she connecting with me on a real level. A level i had not not experienced since i was a teenager.
It shook me to my core to see her so concerned and caring for me. Without any accusations or blaming. Rather she seemed genuinely eager to hear my side of the story. For she had not understood why i had felt the need to hide my paranoid states, and was surprised what my answer was. That i had been deeply embarrassed my fearful state all my life, for i felt i had no faith in Jesus and was weak and useless. My answer shook her hearing how frightening my times as child had been and how badly it had effected my self esteem.
She also asked why i had never told her about the voices? And understood me much more clearly when i told her i had not thought they were voices but had thought it was the devil and that others had the same but i kept listening to them and that is why they could be so loud and scary. got that.
She also understood how come i had been such a daredevil and rebel and also so paranoid. When i shared that my paranoia was a state i was often not in and that then i always wanted to overcome my fearful state being braver than my fearful state. So i do all the things i was scared to do just to prove myself and others i was brave, big, strong and not scare at all.
And so she for the first time ever - instead of saying i do not understand why you are like you are - she began to link behaviours she had remembered my temper developing at 6 and thereafter but not before. Me always asking questions about God and the devil, and she remembering how happy she had been connecting with me then. While i remembered that was the only time was given any kind of love or connection (although i did not say anything).
Mum did not even once blame me fro my wife and family gone. But rather understood much better why i had been struggling with rage when i was overcome by my state. And what a state was. She had never understood any of that. Even with the voices she first said how can i know how that is for you? i do not know what you say when you say that or how that would be for you to have. So i simply told her try put head phones on and you hear a voice, or multiple voices, saying bad or evil things always untrue to you, at different times, durations and/or volume. This happening especially when it is about things you care about or hurt! The i said now try listening to someone talking to you at the same time, it is a little bit like that for me. This example, although not really all that accurately describing how intrusive, belittling, overwhelming and scary voices can truly be in state, it did have her connect much better with me explaining this to her.
The impact her connecting after all these years had me up most of the night digesting both joy, love, forgiveness, recognition, and feeling heard and seen, as well as past hurts, hate and bitterness.
However the the new day Dawned beautifully. Followed by the email from my wife speaking more hope than before as well. This has helped me regulate my down and exhausted mood a lot and hopefully will have me well enough to see my GP later on this afternoon.👋
First beams of sunlight this morning
A little later...
Later still.......
Filling the day with new wonder
My wife's favourite plant is in ful flower and she hasn't even seen it yet.
