@Dimity Sad to hear you have also been through a bad time. Life can really suck big time can it?

i cannot even take any meds at the moment, the nausea, nor my psychosis will allow it. Last time i took antipsychotics, the nausea floored me badly and i went psychotic in a very bad way within 30 minutes of taking them.

One of the things i will have to discuss with my doctor on Thursday.

@DownMoreThanUp hey DownMoreThanUp sorry to hear you have been so ill. hoping you are now asleep. Take care of yourself my friend. Love bun

Thanks@Bunniekins i did appreciate your support here.

@Dimity @rav3n @RiverSeal @holdinghope5

i'm still very shaky and feeling pretty down at the moment.

i've been through the mill last night, sick as, most of the time, yet i managed to snooze through a lot of these times as well. So all in all i did still get some hours sleep.

At the moment the nausea is still present, but has not floored me so far. As if i got a nasty stomach flu without the spewing bit and which comes in heavy waves flooding my senses with unwellness when it does.

As someone rebuilding his reality i understand these times as black matter expanding my cosmos of inner being, with me awaiting new 'stars' to find birth within me because of that process.

Firmly holding onto the truth of myself aids me to survive these times in one piece and get back up again afterwards.

Once, when i realised rebuilding my life was the only chance i had surviving my mental illness, i wrote myself a poem about this decision to help me remember the choice i made about that.

Bye Bye Old

I might as well cease my misery!
No perfection in my deeds!
Just agonising suffering!
What benefit to make it longer?

I might as well abscond,
my so called responsibility,
for I'm just a bondsman,
a slave to my physical reality.
Stuck with forces that only want,
forcing much hate on me,
bringing me untold misery,
lies raping me all day long!

It hurts too much stay around!

So why not say goodbye?
Move away along the rippling tide,
forgetting what is down here,
finding new horizons appearing,
instead of ever more open warfare?

Why am I still fighting on?
Surely My Battle has been won!
The love of God is victorious,
also over my miserable life!

Surely that matters in The End?

Bye bye old I'll dress in New.

Truth always backs up truth.

@DownMoreThanUp hi dear DownMoreThanUp i love your poetry. i wont kid myself to say that i understand it all but your passionate words echo in my lil bun mind and get me thinking. i hope you are feeling better after a bit of a sleep.

This is one of my fav poems of a sheep station out in the boonies of nsw. there is something about it that i really like. i would love to go to Ivanhoe one day is on my bucket list.

Irish Lords by

Charles Henry Soutar

@Bunniekins That is truly an awesome piece of poetry! Enjoyed reading it. Australia lived at its best is what you describe here.

Personally i have never been in N.S.W, apart of Sydney as stop over on my way to Perth many years ago. Sydney was cold, wet and windy that day.

Usually i do not spend much time writing structurally correct poems, however i did a few that turned out nice in retrospect. i'll share you a few.

See what you think

The original poem i wrote 28 years ago to my pastor trying to try and explain why i hated religious dogma undermining my faith. However i did get help, at a later date, to 'perfect' it poetically keeping the contents the same.

To The Speakers Of Words.

Whatever do you mean using words again?
Is vocabulary not a little plain?
Words synchronising souls as one?
Can such a feat truly be done?
For I cannot with words relay,
Why I am myself this way.

Be events either good or bad,
be our interaction sad or glad.
Consider, good times offer happy faces,
still the words spoken are just reflecting traces,
of the togetherness that's found,
for joy, cannot, by words, be bound!

Bear in mind that laughter resists spelling,
even as tears wail words of wrong telling.
Watch jealousy offer red hot treason,
just as rage defies all spoken reason.
so hateful thoughts inside our heart do burn,
while its miseries for God's goodness yearn.

Could our reality be fully articulated?
Present tense offering more than has been explicated?
Truer then the written pages used to announce?
A whole lot more than anyone could ever pronounce?
For events increase what in your heart and mind will stay,
telling so much more than you can read, or I can say!

Or can your tongue genuinely translate..,
..what feelings twine through your thoughts of late?
Surely life within, words can only address?
So often creating a real inner mess!
Moreover what about these spirits so sly,
evil thoughts weaving words into a lie?

Please know the heart so you can see,
that words hide much sin and misery.
Even the Bible, The Loving Word of the Lord,
requires the Spirit to cut like a flaming sword.
Albeit The Truth needs no letters to explain Himself,
nor any accusers after His mistakes to delve.

See how compassion heeds love with much regard,
understand that hope restores a faltering heart.
Observe determination reach out at a distant goal,
and experience true thankfulness gladdening your soul.
Feel the joy which lights-up a most sombre face,
and live beneath the umbrella of God's Grace.

Please know that trust has no boundaries nor fear,
even as in love many are as one so near.
So truthfulness is also a gift of yore,
our very existence has in this its core.
Oh such truth with mere words I can never explain,
as ink on a diamond will always look a stain!

So merely pen and paper paraphrasing what would be?
Words illustrating the breath of spirituality?
Or does our language hinder His salvation?
The lack of phrases chaining contemplation?
Therefore linguistics cannot always stand,
as even Scripture's words come to an end.

Rather the truth your heart accumulates,
will determine what final fate awaits.
When in word or letter you've made a stand,
The Lord will such results from you demand.
Yet if the Spirit of Loving Truth shapes your reality,
judgement day will bring joy instead of anxiety.

And the poem below i word smithed together challenging someone who did not understand me when i said truth needs no physical reality/body to be true and around.

Life's Short Down Here.

Life's wondrous offer to being, renders more then subjugation.
Please crucify your self-importance so you'll be a free creation.
However refining silver and purifying gold excludes the dross.
Bequeathing you no alternative but dependency on the cross.

God's Word ruminates food for the soul, whosoever you turnout to be.
For Christ's liberty fetches the shackled soul a combination key.
Grab hold of eternal bliss before death catches up with all the lies.
Remember life is short for those who have lost touch with paradise.

So I don't heed the gravediggers wallowing six foot deep in retreat.
Could death preclude us spiritually; as the Lord we'll surely meet?
Or still trusting that your demise has non-being as final victory?
I wager the whole of my existence - JESUS will be awaiting me!

i hope you enjoyed them. Have a great day.

hey @DownMoreThanUp hope you're holding up ok? has the sleep gotten a lil better?

@rav3n Thanks for checking on me. Yes i took sleep meds last night [edited by moderator], keeping the fingers crossed it would not trigger more nightmares, and slept just over 3 hours in my first sleep, which is the best i done for awhile, and then almost 2 hours more after 3 hours up during the night. So i got near 5 1/2 hours sleep last night.

@Bunniekins @Dimity @RiverSeal @holdinghope5

i did see the doctor this morning. He basically has no answers. He did order me a stomach (whatever thing they stick down your throat,) to see if he can find the cause of the nausea, but he could not offer me anything else than AD's, mild sleepers, or antipsychotics which are always combined with AD's, and which we know from trying them in the past, cause me more trouble than do good. For psychosis, depression, massive weight increases, and if fully suicidal bring me suicidal ideation, usually because i hate my life so much mindless, down and drained 24/7. Such have been the results trying years of psych medications. So sleep is unlikely to improve in the short term.

Very depressing i know. However please do know that this is like that for me. Yet that a lot of mentally ill people are find excellent support taking psych medications. i'm what they term medication hardy.

@DownMoreThanUp sorry to hear the sleeps still pretty disrupted, but yay for 5 1/2 hrs at least!!

it's hard when your doc is unsure too, but i am glad that he's investigating it further and trying to support you. despite how hard it is, you're here and pushing on which is amazing. keep going, we're here for you 💙

p.s. i've just edited the med part on your post to keep it vague (in line with our 'limit detailed description' guidelines) 😊

@DownMoreThanUp hey DownMoreThanUp 5 plus hours sleep is nothing to be sneezed at as i know you have been suffering with a max of 2 hours at times. even if it is broken in parts. good luck with the testing for reflux @TAB is going through or went through something similar i think.

Take good care of yourself won't you. bun x

@Bunniekins

i've been very down the last few days, but sleeping between 4-5 hours a day now, which is better than 2-3 as it was before.

@rav3n @Dimity @RiverSeal @holdinghope5

i know depression always follows psychosis, but i still can never get used to it. So dark and dreary down here. At least my mind has slowed down a lot, and i feel more in the same mental state/space, than i did before. For my moods are stabilising just being down and out now instead of all over the place.

A poem i once wrote about depression following my psychosis.

Darkness Reigning,
When wicked voices are really close,
then darkness got me by the nose.
"Where is truth" they mockingly sneer,
casting nets spreading doubt and fear.
Isolation is their jail of presence within,
trading my weakness so i will not win.
See how they enjoy my every fall or slip,
as my fallen reality is their strongest grip.
Building in my mind their own life form,
so depressed deeply is my daily norm.
Now see them fight to retain their place,
trying to keep away any love or grace.
Only showing me their cruel hold inside,
and so me into their slimly pits to smite.
Where deeply influenced by their thrash,
My light of day took an enormous crash.
Yet i remember wicked rule is a short reign,
As my light of day will surely shine again.