Working in the field, living with the very things my organisation supposedly supports AND I AM OVER IT!

Hey guys,

Been a while. I am doing really well in many ways and I am struggling in many others of those who read other posts of mine 'highly functional/highly distressed". I am currently studying a masters in narrative practice and community work and working part time for a mental health organisation that will remain nameless. I have been trying to find work for another org and am not having much luck, why because the organisation I work for specialises in mental health and goes out of their way to destroy the mental health of their workers and offers no support.

This is genuinely the worst org I have ever worked for. Management is so overbearing and there are so many abuses of power on a daily basis that I have dissociated to a point where I feel almost no body sensations at all. I have written before about the split between 'professional and personal self' and now personal self has been locked away as I am living with so much distress my mind has shut off all emotions and almost all physical sensations.

I am held responsible for my mental health in the sense that I am not doing enough to look after myself, however I argue that this level of dissociation is an extreme form of self care. There were so many alarms ringing in the body that the mind has shut it off. I garden, walk, listen to music, write a blog, play with animals and do spend massive amounts of energy to take care of myself. What really bugs me is that management is so toxic and the organisation I work for worships managerialism and bureaucracy They offer the least amount of EAP sessions compared to any org I have worked for and offer no support for their staff as it is not their prerogative.

I have been desperately looking for work as I was ready to quit my job in the first month of starting, I have now been working for them for 6 months and as work in mental health is so hard to come by I have applied for another position in the same org (my contract was only ever temporary). If I can't find work in a relevant field I will have to drop out of the masters as I will be unable to meet the requirements for practical work.

I have never worked for and org like this before whose practices are so far removed from their mission statement. I have never in my life worked for an area manager as toxic as the one I am currently working for and I feel 'dirty' working for them as they blame the individuals for the organisations shortcomings. I have been gagged for being honest about the limitations of my role (as in I am finishing soon). Literally gagged for telling the people I work with (my phrase for clients) from the day I started that my contract is temporary. it is better practice to not tell people that you won't be supporting them long term because that may upset them (apparently??).

I feel like everything I believe in as a 'consumer' or should I say 'customer' in the current NDIS model of care (I say both words are horrible substitutions for the word people) and as a professional is being told to shut up and be quiet, because we don't support open, honest person centred practice here, we just like to say we do to ensure we get funding.

I have no social life, long term single, I live in community housing that can be nightmarish at times due to violence, theft and bad behaviour of neighbours. I have almost no family life and wonder why I bother to work towards change.

I don't know about others working in mental health, what do you guys think about the 'supporting nature' of the orgs you work for?

I have never been in this position before, I have never worked for a place that is so toxic to work in. My colleagues are great it is management up that is the problem and they wield their authority relentlessly.

A person I worked with took their life on Christmas eve, the last message I got from them was to wish me a merry Christmas. My organisation did almost nothing to support myself and another worker during this time. I had to fill out a 'staff impact form' and knowing that you can't speak honestly at this place, I told them what I knew they wanted to hear. When I asked about follow up from the form, I was told that it is not managements prerogative to provide any feedback or follow trough. I mean seriously! I even got questioned over my ability to maintain my own mental health last week and have it in writing that I am to make more of an effort to look after myself to ensure that I am 'on top of my game'. Of course they didn't ask about the impact that work is having,nor did they allow anytime for discussion, they just put it on me to look after myself better. This is how we treat mental health in general in this country, we blame the individual and ignore the context of their lives.

I really needed to get this off my chest as it is metaphorically killing me. They are a big org and well 'branded' so I have to choose my words carefully.

Below is something that started in a support group I used to attend, this one document has lead to a project that is aimed at challenging organisations (like the one i work for) perceptions of what mental health is. It is now heading towards a peer created DSM-IVme (literally Diagnostic statistical manual for me!) and an ar exhibition is in the works.

Yet my org has blocked any attempt for me to pass any of these sorts of activities around through the various teams because ti doesn't have my orgs branding on it. Um that is the point guys, it is not about the system, the orgs or the experts, it is about the people who live with mental ill-health talking about it in their way, in their time, using their words!

I am not unwell..

I am someone who sometimes is viewed as being “too” emotional and sometimes not emotional
enough.

I am someone who sometimes sees things from a skewed “dysfunctional” perspective that doesn't
necessarily reveal a “true” picture and also someone who sometimes sees things clearly despite
what he is being told.

I am someone who sometimes thinks too much and sometimes not enough.

I am someone who sometimes says too much, who sometimes says things I regret, who sometimes
really means what I say even if it is not being heard and sometimes I barely speak at all.

I am someone who is sometimes sorry and sometimes someone who is not.

I am someone who is visible sometimes and hidden at other times.

I am someone who sometimes feels too much and sometimes feels nothing at all.

I am someone who sometimes laughs and someone who sometimes can barely raise a smile

I am someone who sometimes cries even though sometimes I don’t understand why.

I am someone who has underdeveloped skills in some areas and someone who is highly skilled in
others.

I am someone who sometimes feels frail and weak and someone who sometimes feels strong and
powerful.

I am someone who has survived, who lives, who changes, who grows and sometimes I am someone
who believes he is nothing at all.

All of these things amount to one thing…

I am Doc_Gonzo and I am someone who is complex and that complexity makes me human and
my humanity is not an illness to be cured.