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Despair potential trigger: abuse

hiddeniteSenior Contributor30 Jan 2015, 8:13 pm AEDT

Despair potential trigger: abuse

I have been diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety, social anxiety, and depression.

I saw a trauma psychologist for 10 months twice a week, but she stopped seeing me when my safety became an issue while processing the trauma.

My symptoms are so bad now I isolate myself in the car everyday to avoid triggers and flashbacks. Unable to go to strange places, talk to people. Just don't belong anywhere. Anxiety so bad I shake most of the time, chest pain and hard to breathe... This isn't living......

I'm too damaged to be helped, I have tried but no one will help me..... They just tell me its too complex and they are unable to help. I don't know what do do I have no support isolated, alone and scared....

1050 replies

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In response to: Despair *potential trigger: abuse*

PeppiPattySenior Contributor05 Apr 2015, 6:10 am AEST

Re: Despair potential trigger: abuse

@hiddenite,keep on writing my friend.
We are all interested
You are helping us out too.

In response to: Despair *potential trigger: abuse*

hiddeniteSenior Contributor05 Apr 2015, 6:44 pm AEST

Re: Despair potential trigger: abuse

When will this end I'm so low its been a horrific day flashbacks guilt shame and darkness.
I cannot move on raping me has destroyed any self worth that was left. Im an empty shell worthless and discarded. Im in so deep there is no way out.

In response to: Re: Despair *potential trigger: abuse*

Unknown userMember05 Apr 2015, 7:14 pm AEST

Re: Despair potential trigger: abuse

But you are here, and that is good. The feelings are lying to you, they are so good at hiding the world beyond the pain. keep holding on, keep reaching out. You will come out. Have you phoned the call back service today? gentle hugs if ok

In response to: Despair *potential trigger: abuse*

hiddeniteSenior Contributor05 Apr 2015, 7:27 pm AEST

Re: Despair potential trigger: abuse

I have tried so hard today easter egg hunt with the girls, went to the park , did pottery with them but it's not enough they also are so distressed. Crying and so unhappy. They deserve better im such a failure.
We all went to bed and cuddled and I read them stories.
Its too much to watch your children suffer because I was too weak to leave him... I loathe myself

In response to: Re: Despair *potential trigger: abuse*

Unknown userMember05 Apr 2015, 7:51 pm AEST

Re: Despair potential trigger: abuse

Wow, what a great day, you are an awesome mum! My lil guy used to wake up at 11pm and 2am every single night, screaming after nightmares. I hate myself that I allowed things to happen that he would be affected. We can't do anything about the past. We have to move forward. Helping the kids starts with helping ourselves. Keeping ourselves safe so that we can show them what love is.

I have been struggling to do even half of what you did with your kids today. I'm so impressed with how hard you are trying. You are corageous and strong. The girls have gotten through the worst with you, they need you for the best thats still to come.

In response to: Re: Despair *potential trigger: abuse*

kristinSenior Contributor05 Apr 2015, 7:52 pm AEST

Re: Despair potential trigger: abuse

Dear Karen

You are so amazing doing these things for your girls on a day which is such a horrendous anniversary. I'm so sorry all that happened to you, any wonder you are struggling with flashbacks. Cuddling up in bed and reading stories together is a beautiful nurturing way to be kind to all three of you on such a difficult day.

Karen he sounds like the sort of person who may well have done worse if you had left him. You have out-survived him. For which I am very grateful. I agree it is very painful to see your children hurting because you are in such pain (or am I misunderstanding you - did they witness it?), but you and they need compassion for the pain.

Keep holding on my friend. This day is nearly through. This too shall pass.

Hope for a healing journey endures...

Kindest regards,

Kristin

In response to: Despair *potential trigger: abuse*

hiddeniteSenior Contributor05 Apr 2015, 8:10 pm AEST

Re: Despair potential trigger: abuse

They didn't witness him raping me but the verbal abuse on all of us was enough.
I was afraid for our lives , the injuries I have suffered over the years I have no doubt what he would have done.
I am so ashamed of myself why do I have these dark thoughts. The girls have been through enough.
My 8 year old was hospitalized with acute anxiety when she was 7. That was the terror they faced. She spent 14 days in a children's psych ward. Screaming for days. There are no words when you cannot comfort and make your child happy.

In response to: Re: Despair *potential trigger: abuse*

katoSenior Contributor05 Apr 2015, 8:41 pm AEST

Re: Despair potential trigger: abuse

@hiddenite

Hi hiddenite,

What strength you showed today, organising fun activities for your children, even with your own struggles you are still perservering, and showing your kids that you love them, we don't think of the small things that mean so much, like cuddling in bed while reading them a story means so much to them.

I know you are finding your journey difficult, with alot of self doubt and unsure of things, but i hope in time you can see what we see and can accept that you are doing amazing things.

I hope one day to be able to have your strength

In response to: Despair *potential trigger: abuse*

hiddeniteSenior Contributor05 Apr 2015, 8:50 pm AEST

Re: Despair potential trigger: abuse

Hi Kato
I wish I lived up to your kind words.
Unfortunately I'm a pathetic , worthless, failure. My girls told me it was the worst easter ever. That hurt.

let alone the fact that I was selfish enough to make an attempt on my life three weeks ago while in the mhu.
Thank you for your kindness but I don't deserve it.
karen

In response to: Re: Despair *potential trigger: abuse*

kristinSenior Contributor05 Apr 2015, 8:50 pm AEST

Re: Despair potential trigger: abuse

So in spite of some people having been so quick to judge you for staying, clearly it was life-threatening to leave. I'm very glad he's dead.

Yes sometimes the verbal and emotional abuse are worse in some respects. Not that I am for a second saying the physical and sexual abuse doesn't have profound long term impacts, they do. They just seem to be a bit easier to pin down and say that was wrong. The emotional stuff gets in to our psyche and continues to poison us like the venom it is. No quick-fix anti-venine either, sadly.

No wonder you are so distraught about the girls. It has been deeply traumatising for all three of you on many levels. Have I mentioned Nexus Primary Health's Theraplay team to you? They do outreach at Healesville and Kinglake, which I have accessed with my 6yo for the last year. It's free, funded in part fromt he Bushfire Appeal Fund. It has been such a godsend and I can see she is much better within herself, as well as helping our relationship. Ashley who does the intake process is really lovely.

It would have been utterly devastating seeing her like that, and being unable to give her comfort. You know maybe you all crying and cuddling up together has been a gift. A catharsis of some of that pain. Being able to grieve is a gift. I think you are an amazing mum. Not because you are perfect (no one is) but because you love them so much, and work really hard to show it even when struggling with your own overwhelm.

Hope for healing and growth on all our journeys endures...

Kindest regards,

Kristin

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