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Despair potential trigger: abuse

hiddeniteSenior Contributor30 Jan 2015, 8:13 pm AEDT

Despair potential trigger: abuse

I have been diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety, social anxiety, and depression.

I saw a trauma psychologist for 10 months twice a week, but she stopped seeing me when my safety became an issue while processing the trauma.

My symptoms are so bad now I isolate myself in the car everyday to avoid triggers and flashbacks. Unable to go to strange places, talk to people. Just don't belong anywhere. Anxiety so bad I shake most of the time, chest pain and hard to breathe... This isn't living......

I'm too damaged to be helped, I have tried but no one will help me..... They just tell me its too complex and they are unable to help. I don't know what do do I have no support isolated, alone and scared....

1050 replies

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In response to: Despair *potential trigger: abuse*

Unknown userMember04 Apr 2015, 7:34 pm AEDT

Re: Despair potential trigger: abuse

I have that same voice in my head telling me that I deserve everything thats ever happened to me. That i am so bad and broken that no one can really help me to ever be 'normal'. But when i look at similar things happening to other people i can see that its not their fault. that other people are taking power and using it in so many horrible ways against someone else. I can tell you easily and rationally that you were not to blame for what happened to you. That you didnt deserve it, that you are strong because you have made it through it. I've read through some of the posts in this thread and your children love you so much. You deserve their love and they need yours. You have to show them that how you were treated wasnt ok. that the abuser doesnt win. that you and they can be stronger than them. i had a counsellor tell me that itmight take me 100 - 1000 times to hear that it isnt my fault and why before it begins to really make sense to me. So i want to be one of those times for you. If you are really struggling and you are not safe, please reach out to someone, your girls deserve that.

much love

In response to: Despair *potential trigger: abuse*

hiddeniteSenior Contributor04 Apr 2015, 7:40 pm AEDT

Re: Despair potential trigger: abuse

Thank you lisajane
so hard to fight what I have been conditioned to believe.
I have spoken with suicide line today.
I just can't shake the darkness.

I appreciate your kindness

In response to: Re: Despair *potential trigger: abuse*

Unknown userMember04 Apr 2015, 7:45 pm AEDT

Re: Despair potential trigger: abuse

very glad to hear that you have spoken with them. phone again, as often as you need to. That is a huge strength in itself. There are lots of people here, from what I have seen, that will believe in you until you can. loan that belief for now.

In response to: Re: Despair *potential trigger: abuse*

PeppiPattySenior Contributor04 Apr 2015, 7:49 pm AEDT

Re: Despair potential trigger: abuse

Dearest Karen,,

@hiddenite,

golly, @kristin and @Former-Member messages are so.....caring.
Because you have stuck on Sane forums.....it's you doing the work. It's so good for us to see that you are plugging on. Memories are horrid though aren't they.
Every day begins anew doesn't it and in time......your memory will be one that you see differently.
One day, not now, but as comments, one day you can address positive thoughts about yourself.

I find you brave, persevering like you do

thinking about you

In response to: Despair *potential trigger: abuse*

Alessandra1992Senior Contributor04 Apr 2015, 8:56 pm AEDT

Re: Despair potential trigger: abuse

Hey @hiddenite

You are rewriting your daughters' future because you are not living in an abusive relationship anymore..
You are showing them that change is possible ( though can be very painful) but it will be rewarding as you are creating or maybe just uncovering the jewel that you are..

Keep ringing any helplines you need and writing to us..we believe..bonfire is burning bright tonight..

In response to: Despair *potential trigger: abuse*

hiddeniteSenior Contributor04 Apr 2015, 9:07 pm AEDT

Re: Despair potential trigger: abuse

I just don't feel strong enough to fight. Im ashamed and humiliated by what I feel. It is so selfish

In response to: Re: Despair *potential trigger: abuse*

PeppiPattySenior Contributor04 Apr 2015, 9:10 pm AEDT

Re: Despair potential trigger: abuse

hi @Hiddenite,
Karen,
I remember something that my oldest son told me a while ago........
He is 25 years old and so much more intelligent than me and more evolved than me.

He told me that Nietzsche writes that people go back to old patterns of behaviour when they are tired.

could this be you when you feel bad about yourself??

In response to: Despair *potential trigger: abuse*

hiddeniteSenior Contributor04 Apr 2015, 9:21 pm AEDT

Re: Despair potential trigger: abuse

Unfortunately I never feel good about myself the ptsd anxiety depression and dark thoughts never leave.
I don't have hope too scared to live.

In response to: Re: Despair *potential trigger: abuse*

Unknown userMember04 Apr 2015, 9:24 pm AEDT

Re: Despair potential trigger: abuse

I have so much trouble expressing how i feel. Because of all that shame and embarassment. But by expressing them (so i am told) we are able to get help, like you are doing and feelings come up regardless of our will.. i think. Just try not to act on those feelings, because they dont last forever... no matter how bad it feels. There will be some better days and better feelings. Just got to hold on. Another hour, night, day. And do whatever it takes to stay safe for the ones who love you and need you.

In response to: Re: Despair *potential trigger: abuse*

kristinSenior Contributor04 Apr 2015, 9:59 pm AEDT

Re: Despair potential trigger: abuse

Hey my friemd,

It is not selfish that you are hurting so much. It just is as it is. That you persist through this is a great strength and says so much about how much you love your girls.

I'll be lighting the candles soon. Take care of you tonight Karen, and please ring lifeline or whoever is most helpful as often as you need to.
With Love Kristin

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