Despair *potential trigger: abuse*

Dear Karen,

Thank you for your care and support I really appreciate it.

Sadly I've come to understand that the emotional abuse is in some ways worse than physical violence. He's rarely (only twice) been physically violent but the emotional stuff has been pretty much from day one. I think what is worse about it is, as you say, it completely undermines any sense of self-worth and sanity. And it is SO insidious that it takes a terribly long time to even recognise, and then stand up to.

Thankfully I don't have to leave, it's my house. That makes a huge difference. But it doesn't change the fact that I'm afraid he might come back now that one of the intervention orders have been issued and served. So I'm hoping and praying that he will abide by it. I can't be certain, but I think it is likely. I've had to prepare the girls in case though, without putting the wind up them too much. It's been horrid having to tell my 13yo some of the bare basics just so she understands why I am worried, and will do as I ask if I need to get her up during the night.

You are right, I'm not responsible for his actions, I know that now. But for a long time, many years, he somehow managed to convince me I was.

On the weekend I am going to try to take things very quietly, as my head is spinning from all the running around I've had to do. If I am not very careful my bipolar will go into overdrive and I will be manic. Not what I need!

Next week is even worse. I think I might have to look at whaether anything can be scrubbed out - the worst is that I have appointments in town 4/5 days next week. Not helpful - I usually limit it to 1 or if absolutely necessary 2 days in the week. But I cannot control this and I need to get the help which is available.

Thank you again for your kindness. I hope tomorrow is somehow a blessing for you, in spite of all your previous experience I hope there is grace in this for you.

Take care of you too.

Hope, for the healing whisper and chuckle of the river, endures...

Kind regards,

Kristin

Terrified about being in the mhu.

Just unable to see anything posative about it.

What a strong courageous woman you are.!!!

Unfortunately I never found that strength and the damage is well and truly done. I still feel that I deserved it, no self worth.

But you have taken the hardest step... Good for you.

There is a place called safe future foundation. They advocate for people just like you. They will go to court and keep you and your children safe.

Knowledge is power.... They are wonderful kind group of women who will be there to support you.

They provide counselling, legal information, take you to appointments. And provide you with the knowledge on how to stay safe.

You need a safe place in you house preferably a room without windows, change the locks.

I don't want to overwhelm you with information but if you need more suggestions I am only to happy to help.

Take care, stay safe, I'm so proud of you

Karen

Thanks Karen

I really appreciate that so much. I have been speaking with Safe Future today. Child First referred me to them. You are right they are amazing. Answering some of their questions was really hard. They are meeting up with me on Tuesday to go and get the intervention orders.

Sadly it has taken me 10 years to find the clarity and strength to do this. It has been a long road, too long for my children I fear. I grew up believing everything was my fault. My littlest seems especially to have taken this lie from him on board. But I can only start from where I am. No more. And I will just have to work on her and get her help.

The feeling that we deserve it is the worst part (that's because of the lie that it's our fault). But Karen it IS a lie. If I do not deserve it then neither do you. But I have an idea of how impossible that will seem to you.

Take care kind friend.

Kristin

It took every ounce of effort to get to the MHU, after other hour of questions they told me there were no beds and I have to go back on Sunday.

There are no words......

Consumed by darkness...

Have lost the will

Oh I hurt so much destroyed me

Is it that difficult for them to reach out and care, show compassion.......

Hey Karen,

You have done amazing work to get in the door. You should be very proud of yourself.

Have they asked you to go back tomorrow or the following Sunday?

You've had a big day, anyone in your postition would be shaken up, so don't be tough on yourself.

You're welcome to hang out here tonight, however, if you need to speak to someone straight away, will you please call Suicide call back or lifeline?

Nik

PS: to answer your question from last night - I no longer teach. It was a great job though. It was a good combination of hard work, creativity and fun. I hope you don't lose sight of your goal.

Dear Karen,

I am speechless really with rage at them for treating you this way. It's utterly appalling!

Please take care my friend. Remember the river flowing - this too will pass. I know you can't see it but you really are doing so well not just hanging on but keeping on going to these appointments they make, even when they don't keep them.

Hope for help endures... somehwere in the darkness is light - it's called grace

Kindest regards,

Kristin

Thanks Kristin

Hope you are doing ok. Break your appointments down baby steps so you don't become so overwhelmed.

I'm so proud of you for going to safe future foundation, they are compassionate caring people who will keep you and your children safe. I will never forget the compassion and understanding they showed me.

Take care

Karen

Hi Kristin

I've been thinking of you hope your appointments are going ok, stay strong, baby steps, and don't forget to breathe.

Take care

Karen