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Despair potential trigger: abuse

hiddeniteSenior Contributor30 Jan 2015, 8:13 pm AEDT

Despair potential trigger: abuse

I have been diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety, social anxiety, and depression.

I saw a trauma psychologist for 10 months twice a week, but she stopped seeing me when my safety became an issue while processing the trauma.

My symptoms are so bad now I isolate myself in the car everyday to avoid triggers and flashbacks. Unable to go to strange places, talk to people. Just don't belong anywhere. Anxiety so bad I shake most of the time, chest pain and hard to breathe... This isn't living......

I'm too damaged to be helped, I have tried but no one will help me..... They just tell me its too complex and they are unable to help. I don't know what do do I have no support isolated, alone and scared....

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In response to: Despair *potential trigger: abuse*

kristinSenior Contributor07 Feb 2015, 8:47 pm AEDT

Re: Despair potential trigger: abuse

Oh my friend that is an excruciating place to be. When the abuse has been so bad for so long that we have internalised it. A very frightening thing. Nor is it something you should need to manage alone.

I promise you there are people out there who can help you - not only to get through this but to get much better within yourself. Like @Chris said you haven't yet found the right person to help you, it doesn't mean they don't exist.

Being in "the valley" is harder to find help because it is mostly "down the line" in town somewhere. I hate driving into the city, even the outer suburbs - but I have to for therapy, and it is worth it.

Cherry very kindly just let me know it's ok for me to post my poem. I hope it helps somewhat.

Siren Song

Death begins its siren song
As I try to hold
This hidden haemorrhaging
More pain than I can possibly contain
At these times suicide
Seems to hold such allure.
I cannot go there –
I force my mind away
By sheer will.

I know its promise of release
Is just a mirage,
I’ve been on the receiving side.
It would but hand this agony
To those I love most
And those who love me
A cursed gift I cannot leave.

So I sit with this cavernous black hole
I speak of what it devours and spews out
I sort through it like handling ra2or wire
When I can I even nurse it gently
Like a distressed babe
Until, at last, it subsides
… And I live

Kristin © May 2012

Please take care of you @hiddenite We care about you very much.

Hope, for the relieving release of tears, endures...

Kindest regards,

Kristin

In response to: Re: Despair *potential trigger: abuse*

hiddeniteSenior Contributor07 Feb 2015, 8:54 pm AEDT

Re: Despair potential trigger: abuse

I can relate to your poem, thank you,

I haven't cried in three years there just is no healthy way to release my torture

In response to: Despair *potential trigger: abuse*

Unknown userMember07 Feb 2015, 8:57 pm AEDT

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In response to: Re: Despair *potential trigger: abuse*

CherryBombSenior Contributor07 Feb 2015, 9:03 pm AEDT

Re: Despair potential trigger: abuse

@hiddenite

You write really well, ever considered writing to release some of your feelings?

In response to: Re: Despair *potential trigger: abuse*

hiddeniteSenior Contributor07 Feb 2015, 9:06 pm AEDT

Re: Despair potential trigger: abuse

Police get sent out by gp, psychologist, psychiatrist, Catt team when they think you are going to do something permanent. They check safety, ask a lot of traumatizing questions then offer an ambulance or a ride to the ed.

I don't recommend one

In response to: Re: Despair *potential trigger: abuse*

kristinSenior Contributor07 Feb 2015, 9:07 pm AEDT

Re: Despair potential trigger: abuse

@hiddenite I am wondering if you got a chance to look at that link to the blog about flashbacks, it includes some things which I have found quite helpful myself. The way I posted the link was very roundabout so if you didn't get to check it out I have done a direct one here. If it's not helpful for you that is fair enough. I find the naming things one quite helpful, I also learned a mindfulness exercise called called being a tree which is very helpful in preventing me from getting too overwhelmed (when I remember to use it in time, which I don't always).

Don Valley is really lovely, no wonder you miss it. I take it you had some awful neighbours too? I'm in my early fifties and I have never known anyone as awful as these people - the worst part is the hypocrisy. They go around pretending to be paragons of the community. The truth is they are extremely embittered and spiteful, their chief enjoyment seems to be in scheming up new ways to get at people they don't like. I had to put security cameras on my house because of them.

Kindest regards,

Kristin

PS Hi @Former-Member good to "see" you.

In response to: Despair *potential trigger: abuse*

Alessandra1992Senior Contributor07 Feb 2015, 9:07 pm AEDT

Re: Despair potential trigger: abuse

Jeepers @hiddenite, maybe one day the police will provide contact to women officers, especially when you have clearly had many contacts over time..one day the system will change to accommodate working with community members who have PTSD, dv and other highly stressful experiences..
It must be very hard for you..WIRE maybe able to help..
How are your parents? Are they elderly? Even though they may not be kind parents, or compassionate, I am glad that you have a roof to stay under..
Maybe that's the best they can do as they may never have the skills of empathy or acceptance..
Some time parents are culturally just too different, stiff upper lip or have survived trauma in their own way and figure if they can do it, so can you..

I reckon there's heaps of people who have parents that are like aliens in how they relate to each other...I hope that your parents who may never accept you gave mh issues, well I hope that they are keeping their door open to you as their act of love for you..
Its been a hot muggy day today, hope you're pouring yourself a cool drink of water, maybe with an ice block or two. There are some water oases close to the city..less far to drive...Lilydale lake, Laughing waters in Eltham..botanical gardens in the city..can be very quiet and still there..pipemakers park, Maribrynong...Brimbank Park..there's a few parks that have rivers or lakes..Werribbee River is beautiful..
My lucky crystals.. Lapis lazuli and rose quartz..
Wishing you a cool breeze wherever you are tonight..

In response to: Re: Despair *potential trigger: abuse*

hiddeniteSenior Contributor07 Feb 2015, 9:14 pm AEDT