TW: The 'real' me inside - I come with an SI warning

Thanks @Jynx . It is hard to choose to engage in things if I don't believe there is a reasonable chance that it might be beneficial. I am pursuing PAT because it has had really good outcomes in research & anecdotal recounts so far. However that is where I am not sure how I would feel about pursuing the trial-and-error of medications (but I don't have to think about that for another 9-12 months if ever, because for PAT I have to be off the anti-d's). It took me a lot of self-convincing to be willing to spend money on a counsellor again, after 10+ years without one.

The irony is that I have the ability to earn "good money" (ethical and at a very good hourly rate) - except for my fatigue and chronic-depression. I mean, I still could work but at what cost? It has 'cost' me a lot in my MH and physical health to do it and I have steadily declined year on year. And for me thankfully that has been in "helping" jobs which are ethically aligned to me. I would not be able to do a job that I was ethically/morally against. But then again, it doesn't mean much for me to say "i'd rather die than do that" 😂. I'm searching for the "I'd rather live" factor lol.

This week has felt more stable, so I didn't share much personally about where I am at tonight at the group, but I went to a different-but-essentially-the-same one the other night and did share about something from that day & recently. The worry/anxiety that is playing on my mothers mind - even though she knows I am committed to trying the PAT, so there is actually no need to worry for my safety at the moment. It makes me regret telling her that I have those thoughts still (despite the decision for PAT). She says she accepts my life is my choice, but then she also says she wants me to tell her where I am going when I leave the house (in daytime! eg to visit a friend! I am Gen-Y/Millenial also, and we live in independent areas of the house with a shared laundry & yard; I used to live separate until I wasn't coping last year with general household things). I know it is out of care, but I am an adult (and yes I told her this lol. I just didn't tell her that I wish i hadn't told her anything if she reacts this way). And I have a "clean" record in terms of her never having had any reason to worry that I will act if I say I won't. *shrugs*

PS - i know you'll be about to finish, so I don't expect a reply tonight 😉

@Cuddlebear group meeting was good. Lots of relevant conversation topics, and I didn't even bring them up myself. Shared experiences - for better or worse. I like how real and honest people can be there.

Oh, I also had the next step in the research trial process today -- just formal consent signing and a rough outline of the next steps over the next 2 months before any active treatment would begin. Nothing "exciting" but it is good to have things in-progress as it makes it feel more tangible and real.

Tomorrow I will meet and do initial paperwork with the peer support worker who will then be able to have 6-8 1h weekly visits/meets with me. We will set some goals, etc.

I think I might join the RC if/when it opens for referrals again. I think it would be good for the period of time when these 6-8 peer support worker visits finish, which would also be around the time (or just before) the PAT would be set to start. It's hard to know if it would be good to have the additional support during the PAT, or whether that would be "too much". but I wonder if it would be a good way to complement the intensive psychotherapy that goes with it - as a way of prompting thinking and processing new perspectives that may come from the treatment, etc.

@Ru-bee a bit more context for my thoughts about recovery club - I think better to put here than the other thread since it's very situation-specific considerations.

But then I am also ... I guess concerned that what if I'm not feeling positive about how things are going? I don't want to have to be "fake positive" for the benefit of a group environment if I am feeling that there isn't any hope left. (Of course we are hoping that with the PAT there is hope, but I am aware we can't predict what will happen). I can always be encouraging about other people's ability to recover, because statistically a vast majority of people do recover and/or find a management level / way of life (believing it about my own situation though, with my history, is much harder though - unless it is a neurological-based treatment, because psychotherapy hasn't helped enough).

This last week since Thursday has been much better than the many weeks before though. Let's hope it continues.

I know things have still been really hard for you @Cuddlebear . Is the support worker still saying they only want to come 2 days instead of 3? I really hope you are able to stick to the 3 days that you need, and that the company won't make it change if it is not the best thing for you.

Been good reading how things are progressing one step at a time toward the trial starting @AlwaysMyself

atm not coping following being triggered by something on the forums. Word I don’t use and can’t bring myself to type properly ….H8

@Flutterbug9 *hugs* sorry hun, i had gone to bed! I know the word you mean and the recall the reason it is so triggering for you. I know it's cold comfort, but because i am aware of how the word is triggering (from discussions pre-xmas, and also discussions on "extreme words") I often stop myself using it now 🙂 and more correctly write "strongly dislike".

Did you manage to get some sleep?

How do you feel this morning?

Small things in life can be so tiring and frustraiting. I'm noticing my mood has declined over the morning whilst waiting on hold for over an hour to a pathology lab to get my invoice to pay because the link they sent me doesn't work. This is after I called yesterday and opted for the call-back due to the wait times, and they didnt return my call until 8am this morning and the Samsung tool said it was Suspected Spam so i let it go to voicemail. So then i called back and wait in line again...

Noticed my mood decline whilst on hold for sooo long, so decided to do the callback again after being on hold for 1hr 15min.

Didnt even notice my dog walker was 30min late (but i knew they might be, they let me know) !

Lets see how long until i get a callback this time?

I hope they call back on the same number as last time, so that i know it is them and not actually spam!

On the upside, i have access to the Auslan course content now. But not the tech help o.O. and 1 of 3 tasks i need to isnt on there to do (its a basic intro and signing that you understand your responsibility as a student). Did the other 2 though.

But im also a bit confused because... the "assessment appointment" day for the practicals is on Monday. But... that doesnt leave any time to learn/do the content they are asessing??? This seems really really weird and I dont understand it. Its 4-6 hours. So unless they are actually doing a class content in the morning and then the assessment in the afternoon?? But nothing i have read says that. It just lists which assessments are being done that day (which is about 6).

And their student services so far with this enroling and access has been pathetic, so i dont feel i can easily just ask for clarity on this before Monday. Its been a whole week and they still havent fully enabled my account to how it should be. As an admin person myself it frustrates me because there appears to be no quality control of admin process or even them checking the profile setup after they think they have done it. I am a good self-studier (did my uni degree that way) - because it is less stressful for me this way - but i need them to do their part professionally and reliably or else i find it stressful and i cant make the self-pace fit around my own health and schedule needs.

I think i will email them anyway actually, or at least the contact who is organising the assessment day and express my concerns about what i need to know before that day. Because it really does not make sense to be doing the practical assessments before you have even read the theory concepts or learnings!

Its because it is an RPL (recognition of prior learning) course. But I thought i was deemed to not have gotten RPL for the Diploma Level Language component (because I know I want better grammar and also have some topic-vocab gaps) which is why I do that component this term - but then the course has no vocab or topic list to learn, and the grammar is interspersed gradually throughout the year. But the assessment for the language is 1 week after the course starts? It does not make sense.

Maybe they did assess me as able to pass the Diploma level for language with my existing vocab range and grammar and this is just the formal signoff assessment for them?? But i know 1 of the 3 topics you are meant to be competent in is Politics, and I dont know many signs about politics in Auslan because none of my deaf friends discuss it! I know signs like "government", "policy", etc - but not signs for anything less general. *shrug* so confused. At least i have friends who are deaf or have done this course already who i can ask about the vocab 😊.

I think i will spend the morning reading through what materials there are given for the 3 subjects this term, and then i will feel better to know what is expected of the assessments on Monday. Not a good start to the course though. ☹️

Dont worry if im forum-absent this morning. It means Auslan reading plus the peer worker this afternoon - which will be a good break from the frustraiting morning. And maybe i will join friends for coffee this afternoon if i feel like going out.

Going to be our hot today today here. 41 predicted. But so far only 28 degrees at 10am.

@AlwaysMyself

just my thoughts based on your post this morning

decline in your mood sounds reasonable. Possibly frustration having lot to do with it, based on what you have said.

AUSLAN course - sounds like you are on downhill snowball effect. One thing is adding to another and concerns growing with each item.

I was going to suggest email to course provider until I saw you mention the same thoughts.

I’ve found best thing in these type of circumstances, make a list of things and prioritise them as first thing.

next thing, prior to sending email, calm oneself.

once feeling calmer, or at least calmer, then type email using prepared list of priorities

1) keeps a record

2) allows all questions etc to be asked at one time

3) tries to ensure wording is “appropriate “ when asking questions and/or explaining feelings/frustrations

one tip, calmly reread email before sending, taking note of wording plus how it might be perceived by receiver.

Thanks @Flutterbug9 😊 100% agree.

Snowball effect has been happening a bit lately when i am trying to do things and barriers or challenges arise.

Got call back from pathology accounts. They have me invoice number to reference and put in a request for it to be emailed to me which will take 1-2 days. But they could not advise whether thisnis why the doctor didnt have my results yet yesterday. It took ages on the phone to them - first the call was "dead" which i guess is why it gets reported as Suspected Spam - it has that 60+ second delay before the operator picks up after the auto-dial. I stayed on the line only because i knew it was their number this time. Then they came on and it cut them out again for another 30sec of "dead" line but i stayed on because i knew it was a real number. Then they tried looking up my details in the system and couldnt find me. They put in the wrong DOB. Then they still couldnt find me so they read back the spelling of my name and they got it wrong. So fianlly the found my account! Got the invoice number. Gave my email address - including "... my surname..." (which was on my account they just mispelled and found). Then they read back the email address and got it wrong! Mispelt the surname! :face_with_rolling_eyes: so i corrected that for them. (Seriosuly though - i said it was my surname and they had that in front of them on my account and still did not spell it properly 😅 but i can laugh at this).

Then called the pathology support line to find out why my cc's doctors didnt have the results yesterday. Lovely and helpful person. Explained that they can only send to fax numbers and not email addresses - and that the pathologist at the collection centres should have noted and mentioned this because the GP wrote email addresses on the referral form. But theyve made sure to resend it to my GP who has a fax number, so i can now ask my GP clinic to email them on to the research doctors who are the ones who need the results. Going to do that now.

Email to Auslan person sent with polite (and calm) feedback about my confusion and clarifying the assessments being done *before* the theory is done. And how having an assessment with only half a week access prior or stressful when this is a "self-paced" program that is meant to be flexible to fit around life, including variable health conditions. But also assuring them that i will focus this weekend specifically on what i need to prepare for the Monday assessment topics.

I can accept difficult things being hard. But things that are meant to be easy and can be simple with proper communication and time-management - thats what gets me annoyed easily. Because the effort it takes is soo much more than it really ought to need to, and its not because of my own fault or health - which is my own responsibility. And now i feel i have to push myself to read over the releavant things and do the practical conversation planning and look up what vocab i need etc etc in a rushed timeframe now. *sigh, and breath*

Hoping it will only be like this for this one assessment. The others at least i already know the dates for, so as long as they give me access to the content with enough time then its all good.

More rhetorical question than not

Are you aware you slide into snowball effect when things are not within your control and not health related?

Hey @AlwaysMyself so with the Recovery Club you're wondering how it might go with the PAT right? And whether you'll be able to express how you're actually feeling in the group sessions, is that right?

The program is designed to be complementary to other forms of mental health treatment, with the aim of it being an addition to existing supports rather than replacing them, which could mean it's a good fit. You'd get access to a resource library, groups and 1-1 sessions which you can choose how you use. You might just like to use the resource library, or you might prefer groups and attend multiple ones a week, or you might just want to use your 5 1-1 sessions, or all 3! Once you've signed up you don't have to use any of the part of the program that don't resonate with you, or that don't complement you other supports/treatments.

In terms of sharing in groups I know that they are going to extend the groups offering so there may be some slight changes there, but in the groups I was able to be apart of last year participants were able to share when they weren't feeling any hope, they were able to be honest about where they were at. The groups do have similar guidelines to the forums, but the groups have the benefits of being able to communicate in real time to check in on any risk if that does come up, so it can be a bit more seamless in that sense, does that make sense?

But I guess a key thing is that its free and signing up doesn't mean you are obligated to complete the program if you find it's not a good fit, so it might be worth giving a go

Let me know if I missed something or if you have more questions or want further clarification

@Flutterbug9 yeah, i am almost-always aware when the snowball is building up because i am aware that my feelings of frustration are well beyond what i would rationally thing they ought to be 😅. Which is good because its then i know that i need to step back, vent and calm, recognise that i'm struggling with it and either take a break or figure out how to melt the snowball.

I should note it doesnt happen very often at all. But this is the 3rd time in 8 days lol..some are semi-related reasons, some are not. Anything relating to my work is a big trigger already still (one of these occasions was trying to submit my new sick leave certificate last week)