TW: The 'real' me inside - I come with an SI warning

Oh I look forward to a photo @AlwaysMyself, no pressure where you post ☺️

I don’t want to keep you up, please know you can respond whenever 🙏. I hope the GP appt goes well. Is the specialist MH doctor still in the pipelines ? Gives you reasonable time frame to get all the tests done and continuing with the tapering without pressure yeah?
Have fun tomorrow hope the pancakes are delicious 😋

Hey there @Blackcloud, that’s cool you are also considering emdr and the other therapies as well. That is really awesome that the clinic you have been referred to offer all those therapies😊

@AlwaysMyself Hello my friend. How are you?

Are you doing ok? I’d love to hear what’s been going on if you want to share with me.

Were you visiting someone at hospital or did you need to go? I’m really hoping nothing serious has happened.

Your pain by numbers is so good. I love how you enjoy this creative stuff. I also enjoy seeing it.

I’ll have to try catch up here on your thread as I’m a bit lost as to how you’ve been.

Hey @AlwaysMyself ,

Thank you for sharind what's been happening for you. Despite it being so hard, we appreciate your company, connection and support (even if it doesn't feel like it).

We all have different experiences, and sometimes, what one finds 'not-normal' can be normalised when you hear someone else's experiences.

Please know you are not alone. I hope things improve for you. Please stay connected.

Hello @AlwaysMyself! 🫶

I am responding to your post from the 16th, thank you so much for sharing. 💛

I understand what you have shared and it makes a lot of sense. The idea of having choice and control came to my mind too, and it sounds like it actually helped to create a safer space internally, which reduced the intensity of your SI - is that right?

(I appreciate your honesty and vulnerability around this and I am happy to know you are safe. ☺️)

I think exploration of trauma with a safe person, like your therapist, could be really helpful in allowing you to acknowledge that some experiences might have contributed to the way your nervous system and subconscious mind currently react and relate to the world. I get the sense that information is empowering for you, so I say follow this line of curiosity! 🥰

Speaking of - I love that you followed your intuition and found a point of grounding whilst connecting! It sounds like this created a more comfortable space for you and that is such a win!!!

Please keep me updated on your supports. Any word on the clinical trial?

@Blackcloud @Chasingsunsets interesting re: EMDR. 🙂. I will be interested to hear if either of you proceed with EMDR to hear how the experience is and over time if it helps. It makes sense, based on the theory of the "activating L & R hemispheres of brain to improve processing" that it could then be applied to other distress too - including anxiety and distressing thoughts.

From what I have read, it sounds like EMDR is one of those things that they notice help, but they don't yet understand why. Sort of like ECT (to a degree) and even serotonin-based antidepressants! They actually don't understand how serotonin influences depression, but they notice that serotonin-reuptake-inhibitors (SSRI & SNRI, etc) help relieve depression for many people. Thankfully I haven't read of EMDR as having many side-effects, unlike ECT and sometimes antidepressants lol (but these things still have their place in treatment - just of course balancing what is beneficial vs the non-beneficial side effects on an individual basis!)

Hi @Cuddlebear , more than happy to do a recap - no need to trawl back and read. It is so lovely to see you, and I am glad that by giving a summary I can help it be easier to balance your symptoms with your being here 😊😍.

I've had some ups and some down days - as we all do. Sometimes I have found myself upset/down because of the lack of support options for chronic severe depression/SI, and especially when I hear a service say they have nothing suitable to offer but then also ask if there is anything they can do to help me. I would prefer a service to just empathise with me that there is nothing available, rather than to then still say their no-doubt "standard question" of if they can do anything to help afterwards. It's a meaningless 'question' at that stage and feels cheap and insincere given the context.

I have found an unorthodox way last week to reduce my internal distress over my conflicting feelings/thoughts, after discussions with my counsellor and peer-supports. Whilst unorthodox and not recommend for most people, it has helped me and that is a good thing for me. 😊 (I can't say much more than this however)

I was able to say to my counsellor last week that I think it could be helpful to explore impacts of my trauma experiences, even though i know I do not feel comfortable, and it will feel very awkward for me. It's not easy for me to be willing to bring that up, but it is the reason I chose her as a counsellor because of her extensive experience with trauma work.

The date for the research trial has been delayed a month (late April), but that's OK. We are just starting the ball rolling now on the formal referral & eligibility & enrolment process. I'm still focused on this as my goal-post to keep myself going.

Due to my reaching out for support (rather than sitting in distress alone), the public MH have this time (as opposed to last year) referred me to a program where I can hopefully have 8x weekly 1-hour with a peer support worker. I had the intake interview for it last week, and just waiting to hear on when someone can be assigned to me to start that 8 week block. It's only a short-term aid, but any help in getting through to April is better than none.

Tomorrow I will be doing my second decrease in my medications. So that will become 50% of my dose. Thankfully, over the past 2 weeks of 75% dose I only had that 1 day of bad physical symptoms. So I feel OK to reduce to the next level, but am aware that each time I am at a higher risk of physical symptoms too.

Today I had breakfast with a friend, to try some Japanese-style pancakes. I plan to post the photo to the Highlights thread (and will tag you also) when I am on my phone (currently on laptop) - but I think I have run out of time/energy to do it tonight. It was good to catch up with my friend, and we were both able to share and support each other in what had (unknown to each other) been some very stressful moments over the past week.

The hospital was for myself, but nothing to be worried about. Normally I would have gone to the peer-support-based MH drop-in place when feeling a lot of distress and wanting to not sit alone whilst feeling that way, but they are only open specific hours - and thus this was not an option. The other MH place offering drop-in wasn't open either. And the peer-support phone line doesn't do weekends either for someone to talk to. So (long story short) after calling my local MH line for advice on where I could go to have a quiet-but-monitored place to be they recommended an Urgent Care Clinic. However when i got there the clinic said they don't have a suitable space or staffing model for it, and strongly encouraged me to go to ED (both are government-operated where I am, so it's all 1 health system) where they would have a quiet treatment room I could sit in and be occasionally checked on / call a nurse if i needed. And that is how I ended up going to the ED. What i didn't realise until today was that my "high blood pressure" (which is understandable due to the distress i was feeling) level at the Urgent Care Clinic was in the highest range (i.e. "risk of a stroke / heart attack" level) - I suspect this may be why they encouraged me to go to ED so strongly instead of just try to help me calm for 20 min and then go home. 😅. I find it pretty funny to realise that later, and it is good for me to keep in mind that my blood pressure can do that just due to MH distress as another reason why sitting in distress myself for hours (even if I am processing the feelings) is not good and can be physically dangerous! Later at the ED once I had a quiet space and spoke for a short time to the nurse to explain briefly what was going on, I was able to settle my distress more and my blood pressure to safer levels. However I can still feel my system (heart/pulse and I think adrenals?) are very "amped up" all day and I have to keep consciously taking time out to focus on deep breathing to try to slow it down, but don't have anything to check my blood pressure today to see where it has settled back down to. It reminds me a bit of when I had the anxiety (from the chest sensations), but without any of the anxious thoughts -- I suspect you can relate to what I mean by this chest-feeling? I am hoping if I get a good night sleep tonight that it will help my system de-escalate further and back to normal again. However I have an appointment with my GP on Tuesday anyway to get a new work certificate as well as the referral for the research trial, so he can check it again then to ensure it is back to an acceptable range. I am not worried about it, I am just being aware of it now.

Oops this update was much longer than I intended.

Please don't feel you have to respond soon, or even all at once. I know how challenging it can be when you are not feeling well especially - and I want you to put yourself first. 😊


I think I will take a leaf out of my own advice-book and hold off on responding to the other posts here until tomorrow, since it is now 11pm and I need to get good sleep to reset my body. Fingers crossed for my sleep tonight.

Hi @tyme , I know I am appreciated here a helpful support to others. I don't feel otherwise. 🙂 (I know you're not on until Wednesday)

If you have any suggestions for other suitable MH supports for me talk to / access when I am distressed by these topics but neither clinic is open for drop-in (noting that one option would have the same hours as the Peer Warm Lines) please do let me know. Saturday before the afternoon and all day Sundays are the biggest gap-times.

@AuntGlow I appreciate your understanding of how it can help reduce the intensity of the SI when I feel i have genuine choice.

Do I judge correctly that is OK / of interest to let you know how I find things with the counsellor if/when we look at trauma effects?

@Chasingsunsets @AuntGlow Just starting to go through the formal referral & eligibility (medical test, etc) for the trial. Start date has been pushed back a month, but that's OK - gives me another 4 weeks to either take the medication taper slower when I get to the lower-doses or to have a longer period of time to see how I stabilise off-meds before the trial starts, which i think will be quite interesting to see if any of the anhedonia lifts with the absence of the SNRI (it's been 15 years on it).

MH GP is still in the pipeline, but the appointment has been able to be brought forward due to a cancellation, so I am now booked for the first week of Feb. 😊 However this is for my on-going management and I hope also support with applications to NDIS and when needed later Centrelink (i know I can start the centrelink applications before my work sick leaves ends, so i shall plan it according to their timeframes to increasing the likelihood of having centrelink in place for when my work sick leave and annual leave is exhausted).

Dropped a dosage in the medication today. So far OK this morning. Not sure if my headache is from the medication or due to continued dehydration from Saturday (I often get dehydration headaches after crying lol). But I have been sitting on the couch on the forum all morning, so I haven't been moving/walking which is what usually sets off the nausea & neurological effects of the medication withdrawal.

My heart & adrenal system seem to be very close to back to normal -- just very slightly still elevated I can feel at times. A good sleep last night definitely helped reset the physical system. 😊. Like rebooting a computer or clearing its cache lol.

(not addressed to anyone in particular, open to anyone reading who has thoughts or experiences)

Got the referral from my GP today for the research trial, which required a detailed history, so we decided to attach the report from a psychiatrist 1.5 years ago, since it went from birth until at that time. However, upon reading it after the GP appointment (as I am also planning to use it to give to the MH GP I am booked into), I notice that a number of things are not correct in their report. I am wonder how common is this?

I don't know if it is that the psychiatrist (registrar) did not understand (or later misinterpreted his notes) or if he did not believe what I said.

For example, it is an objective fact that my friend in primary school had ASD. She was diagnosed before I knew her - it's just that at that age I didn't know of ASD or see her a "weird" myself (she had a lot of therapy already by this time which helped her with coping mechanisms) - I just accepted her stimming behaviours as "her". I learnt about Asperger (now included in ASD) a few years later when we returned to visit and my mum explained it to me for context in case of "unusual behaviours" (since I had not seen her for a year), so that I was aware and understood. This is a fact that my friend had ASD. I have known this since I was 10 when I was told.

The report though, mentions this as "friend who she now thinks may have had ASD".

I want to believe they just misunderstood me. But I really find that hard to believe, because I was stated as being "with detail ... logical and coherent" (which I would agree with).

... which leaves me with him doubting the factual accuracy of what I have said.

I should say, I have a background in having typed up medicolegal reports from a psychiatrist. The one I worked for had no issue with stating these type of things as "had" rather than "believes to have had" type of language.

Most other things in the report are stated as fact however. Even if a few are not accurate to what I have said. Very confusing!

Now, that example is immaterial really - its not important whether or not my childhood friend had ASD or I just believe she had ASD (beyond the question of whether they don't believe my account? but they have not mentioned anything of this nature of poor insights or unlikely beliefs etc -- rather they say 'reasonable insight').

What does seem important to me is when the nature of my depression historically is recorded incorrectly.

Again, it is factual and was documented by past MH and medical staff that my depression was both chronic melancholy with additional periods of "double depression" (further depressed episodes). However it would appear the doc again did not believe? me in this, because they have completely ignored the constant nature of my melancholic depression that has not been episodic. There is no mention that my first thoughts of SI "at the age of 11" continued beyond that time, even after beginning interventions at 12. There is no mention of them continuing until the time of this assessment (which was initiated due to increased frequency/severity over the preceding 3 months - which is mentioned). Although I notice that it also mentions that those SI at the time were "when distressed" - which was not correct, it was constant and easily-triggered by seeing everyday objects even whilst not in active distress (eg having lunch in the work kitchen) -- I know this because it also says I was taking the medication that I only took when the SI was having those types of thoughts on seeing everyday things. I don't ask for it when I have my "normal" SI like i currently have been having.

I can also see that the doc didn't quite grasp the emotional-masking either, and has conflated "continuing to do activities" as "enjoying hobbies". This irks me, because it then reports the engagement of these hobbies as "protective factors" (they weren't), as well as "mild anhedonia". Not to mention my religious faith as a protective factor - which is not true; it was when I was 12-18, but not since (subtle, but important in a risk assessment context I would have thought; not that this was a risk assessment though).

I feel frustrated by this. And now conflicted about whether to use it to provide to my upcoming MH GP - because whilst most of it is correct (and that makes it easier), there are some of these things are just not accurate. And I don't feel comfortable to make pen "corrections" to it on the printout, to provide instead. I feel that would "look bad" that I am contracting their report. People already don't believe people with MH, don't trust their perception or memory. But I know these things because I have had to recite things so much over the years that these are entrenched in my brain. I had already explained / sought help from multiple people in the 6 months prior to this assessment, so I do recall how things were because I can date it from those interactions. The times when nothing was flared up (just the melancholy) is when events and periods of time passing are harder to specifically place, other than the "year" that it occurred.

Interested in other people's thoughts and experiences with this type of thing.

Its not the first time my medical record has had factually incorrect things. I had a GP clinic refer me for a PCOS ultrasound when I was 21, and despite the ultrasound showing no PCOS and the GP saying i didn't have it, somehow my medical record still had it noted down as "diagnoses: ... PCOS... " - I noticed it when I got records transferred to a new GP practice when I moved, and told them it was incorrect and they removed it. (I have since been diagnoses with PCOS when I was 29 years old, via ultrasound showing abnormalities).

It also makes me wonder how often this happens that I am not aware of?

@AlwaysMyself I’ve had some similarities with general GPs and information that is contained on referrals to specialists. I can only reference it to general GP and non MH specialists.

things I’ve experienced

1) transfer of records. Each time I start seeing a new GP/ attend new medical practice (following change of address) I request transfer of my complete file from previous GP.

GP practice I attended prior to now definitely had details from before I transferred to them. Referrals would list my medical history with only dates being correct from period I started there.

2) accuracy of information. Dates for medical history and procedures prior to that all showed one date, the date my file was transferred. This meant medical procedures which took place as far back as when I was early teenager and for following 30years all showed as the same date.

Information that was on the medical summary was incomplete. When I queried couple times, I was told nothing could be changed with dates as they were computer generated entry dates as part of file transfer and that all details had been recorded onto their computer system.

3) Medication details. As part of recent referral to psychiatrist by my GP I was sent email, attachment was medical summary and results of most blood tests. (Once again, medical history is missing lot of details. Only medical history showing on referral are for dates since commencing with current GP which is approx 2 1/2 yrs ago).

medication details displaying are not correct. One med showing as currently being taken I haven’t taken for more than 12mths (previous psychiatrist saying he would advise GP). Current GP has also not issued script for that med during last 12mths.

some of my meds not showing on list on current medications. Taking one as per discussion with current GP based on outcome of a blood test last year. Taking another med as directed by my haematologist who I was referred to by current GP approx 15mths ago.

blood tests - referral done in mid December last year to psychiatrist has results from blood tests done in August last year. Wording as part of results for 2 components flagging to GP additional blood tests required. Appointment with GP in November, blood test results were mentioned and I was advised no issues found, no marked change in my neutrophil and still below “normal minimal level”

I count myself lucky that each different specialist I’ve seen within the last 18mths have requested full medical history plus complete list of current medications from myself.

@AlwaysMyself totally agree with thoughts to NOT add any anything to information you have been given. Even copies of medical reports are deemed legal documents. Something to consider, having your own prepared information to provide/offer to MH GP as additional/supportive details. (Old work things kicking in)