TW: The 'real' me inside - I come with an SI warning

@Chasingsunsets @AlwaysMyself I’ve had a skim through of some of the chats you guys have had on this thread and EDMR is one of the therapies that I consider on getting as well especially

with my lived experience of having celebrity worship syndrome. Other than EDMR I’m also thinking of going through schema therapy, DBT and interpersonal therapy and fortunately the psychology clinic I had my GP to refer me to have all of those therapy styles I’m looking for.

@tyme unfortunately options are very limited where i am. And im not sure SI would be too welcome in most mild-moderate MH peer programs for "normal" (non,complex) MH.

Take today for example. Don't want to sit alone in distress, because it makes it harder to choose to live when the quality of life is lower, and sitting with someone around (monitoring) in a semi-private (or private) quiet space helps abit, and having someone listen who is actually open to understanding why i feel/think what i do is a bonus.

In the past i have been able to go to the drop-in safe haven, but they're not open Saturday mornings. So maybe call a peer-worker warmline; but theyre only either weekday business hours or non-urgent callback. So maybe a Medicare MH centre because they allow drop ins; but theyre only weekday business hours.

So where do I go when I dont want to be asking friends/family to shoulder chronic and severe thoughts that even MH crisis workers cant seem to deal with?

I called the local public MH line (which they say you can do in distress; theyre 24/7) to ask if they know of anywhere. Their suggestion was our public-health-operated Medicare Urgent Care Clinic as a space to sit with supervision. So i did. Got there, waited, and they said they dont have someone that a person can sit and be occasionally checked on. They spoke again to the MH line to discuss options, and both agreed only other option is the ED. So i reluctantly agree to go to the ED because they assure me a quiet place to sit can most likely be found and they will put it in the notes/referral/file that this is what i need. I feel like its a poor use of ED resources because i'm not life-threatening, but they assure me they think its a valid state to be referred to ED for given the lack of any other service. So away i go. Get to ED - main waiting room not in private area for the first hour (mostly quiet though). Then i get "progressed" to the next waiting room which is smaller but thus louder and half-full. Of course this increases my distress - the waiting, the noise, the lack of being able to do my distraction activity (my painting, which i had managed to start doing in the other waiting area after i was abit more even), the awareness that despite my notes saying i needed a quiet semi-private place this was not at all attempted (i had also mentioned to the triage nurse this was what i was seeking). I don't know how long i spent sitting there. A lovely person waiting for a patient could see i was distressed and asked if there was anything *they* could do (thanks but no). Waited a long time more. Finally a nurse offered to take me to a quiet room around the corner, chatted to me for a few mins (my rational brain kicks in when i speak, so my distress decreases) to make sure i was OK, got me some water, etc. Was able to start doing my painting again there to half-distract and keep less-distressed despite the thoughts and feelings. Waited another half hour or so and the Dr came to chat for a few mins and place request for MH nurse. An hour or so later they finally come (i was lucky - often the wait is much longer). She was actually really good - she listened to my thoughts and current situation. She validated a lot of it as being very rational (unlike most SI) and that it gave it her good learning about the lesser-seen chronic TRD scenario. By now it was over 5 hours since i had left home. But i was stable now at least, and back to being tired and despondant. So off i went. And she agreed to see if she can investigate and find out what options i might have for future when in this situation where all other services are closed and i just need a semi-private safe/monitored place to sit whilst i sit with the strong emotions until they pass (which is usually due to fatigue kicking in) -- because she also isnt aware of anything but recognises the legit need for this.

When the MH IP nurses and the MH crisis lines both don't know of any suitable options... 🤷‍♀️ ..i'm back to my "sitting alone with it until i cry myself to fatigue". I've been trying to *unlearn* having to shoulder it all alone during these times.

The only peer support i know of being suitable is the group i already join almost every week - whether i am feeling ok or not. But its online and not local, and its a set time - not "when i need support". None of the others live in my city.

I feel like my only option is to go back to "giving/supporting others, even though i know i cant truely talk about what my own situation is like at its core". I can do that; i do believe that is better than withdrawing altogether. But knowing that i cant get the support i need in a way that is helpful to me still hurts to be reminded of. Thats what set me off worse this morning and late last night. Once again there is nothing setup suitable for my MH needs because i dont fit the statistical box of common experience.

Sitting with you @AlwaysMyself

I appreciate your inquistive thoughts and questions @Chasingsunsets .

I dont have any memory of what it was like to not have these thoughts (before they started). I was too young (and possibly not encoded memories due to trauma-amnesia mechanisms?).

However *despite* the thoughts I still made myself "invest" in life and function "like a normal person" (or as close to - i had to limit myself to part-time employment, for example). The first 5 years i believed i would get better - because that is what i was told happens, and i was "doing everything right". Statistically i should have improved. But i didnt. I started to doubt if i would get better, but tried my best to have blind-faith that it would and that it was just my depression-brain that couldnt see it. I kept doing all the right things. Another 5 years later and finally a psychiatrist admitted it is possible it wont ever go away, but can be learned on how to live with it, to minimise the distress and impacts. This was already 10 years of *weekly* psychology/psychiatry counselling/psychotherapy. I was holding down a professional part-time job, i was "looking after myself". It still didnt help. My pdoc and I both agreed there was nothing more she could do - i had all the self-management skills to keep myself safe, and nothing was improving with treatment.

And in the 15 years since things continued to get worse slowly, as additional stress from physical pain and fatigue and burnout increased. And then i started more rapidly declining 3 years ago when there was additional workplace stressors. Then 2 years ago when there were additional stressors with my (now-ex) partner not coping either (partly due to my inabilities). And then extra-rapid-decline 18 months ago with even more acute work stressors, which escalated further 10 months ago - which came to a head with me transferring to another team temporarily for 5 months because of it triggering crisis situations frequently (almost every week at the peak - thats when i joined this forum).

I hope this gives a bit more context about how long i have tried to engage with treatments and "get on with life". The youth mentoring i do was something i got involved with because i needed something meaningful to do in the hope it would improve connectedness and purpose needs within me. I continued to do it even though it never did fulfill these needs. Its still a positive thing to do, even though i didnt benefit from it myself (the youth did).

I tried to engage with life despite my depression and SI. And i am so worn out by it - which is why i am taking this year off work, because i physcially do not have the energy to engage in life whilst also working even part-time. And there is no way to reverse the anhedonia when i am exhausted constantly.

1 month off work so far. Less exhausted but just as apathetic and anhedonic. Still the same amount of SI.

I was taught via CBT to not act on my emotions (first 5 years of treatment). To think. To analyse multiple possible perspectives. To consider that its "just my depression" and do "what i should do" instead. I suspect this contributed to my emotional detachment and in turn prolonged / more severe anhedonia.

@Chasingsunsets thank you for listening.

How are you doing?

Up late due to work shift timings? Or on your way to sleepy time?

How are you feeling @AlwaysMyself ? Been a big day.

What would you find helpful tonight 💛

I’m not doing a lot, will head to bed in the half hour I’d say. You?
sorry re my msg earlier, wrong timing, sorry about that.

No wrong timing @Chasingsunsets .

I am ok. Still in despondent mode so its a bit like teflon - emotion doesnt stick! Water off a ducks back.

I have a cafe breakfast with a friend tomorrow morning, which we booked in a week or two ago. We want to try their japanese pancakes. First time we went there was a weekday and we discovered they only do them on weekends. So we went to go there a week or two ago and discovered they were fully booked and not uncommon to be on weekend. So we went elsewhere and made a booking for (what is now) tomorrow! We shall see whether the pancake live up to the hype and demand.

I shall also try to get some sleep. Got to sleep after 2am yesterday (but slept until 830am). Will put on some music to help prevent my mind from wandering too far into mental decline whilst i try to fall asleep (dont have the focus to listen to a podcast currently).

Sleep well my friend.

I hear you @AlwaysMyself, I have never thought you haven’t done enough, I hope you know this 💛. You have done exceptionally well given your circumstances, I really do take my hat off to you. How is the PAT process going?
You don’t need to give me context alwaysmyself don’t think you ever have to explain yourself I have got to know you over the forums I know you are doing your absolute best my friend

Night @AlwaysMyself, hope you can get some good rest. Those pancakes sound good !! Let me know how they are!! Are they the really fluffy big ones?
Take care 💛

I'll try to remember to take a photo @Chasingsunsets . I know jynx likes japanese style pancakes so i'll plan to tag them too. Maybe i'll post it in the hightlights chat.

PAT process... waiting on GP appt this coming week to get referral done plus the request forms for pathology & ECG screening tests. Then once theyre done and results are back without any abnormalities, then im not sure how long until they do the rest of the formal eligibility and enrolment process. Late april planned for practical start. But some time before the first dosing date in late april i wpuld meet with the therapists twice to develop rapport and what to expect, etc.