TW: The 'real' me inside - I come with an SI warning

Thanks @Cuddlebear & @Jynx

I do hope my tolerance improves as my fatigue decreases. Although hosting at my place does mean i have the "before they come" prep which can be tiring - and the food cooking if i want something healthy (rather than takeaway or bread/chips/nuggets). But the upside is not having to drive home after late at night.

2 of the 3 know i have MH and fatigue problems (the other one ive mentioned it to in passing but i dont think it gets taken in, and thats ok). If i framed it as "i am struggling to keep interest when things progress slowly", i think i could do that. I have told the DM this before (we've been friends for more than 10 years), and sometimes i know he tries to move this along also but sometimes can't get their attention either.

There was 1 time that 2 people were distracted chatting and paying no attention at all, so the other 3 of us just continued on and said their characters were waiting in the hall distracted whilst we entered the room (we have 5 in the group, but 1 person is adhoc). They were OK with that. It wouldnt work when the DM is one of the ones distracted though 🤣 which happens alot too. Quite often all 3 of them are distracted into a conversation about a movie or tv show unrelated.

The challenge with doing something to occupy myself at the table is that we do it in sign language. So if i am looking at my phone, i dont know when they are back on topic or not. Hence why when i am prepping dinner i can't "listen" to the conversation and asked one of them to voice it to me. However they kept forgetting to tell me what was going on, and then weren't relaying my response for my characters actions/questions. I think the same would happen if i were on my phone - they would forget to tell me when they came back on-topic. Sometimes i do check emails or look up something i've been mening to check, etc - but they're quick 1-2min things, not 15min things.

We do dinner because of the time of day people are available. Usually we have a 6pm start. We do 5pm if people are available, but that is rare for everyone to be available that early.

If we set 6pm arrival time, usually by 630 or 7pm everyone will have arrived and sat down. But then they chat general socially for 30-60min (despite also chatting on messengers as a group during the week) - hopefully by the end of this 60min dinner might be ready* to be plated. By the time dinner has finished? 730-8pm. If its after 8pm we will usually say no point in setting up the game, and will just recap the story for people (because they have always forgetten, even if only 1 week but esp if longer) and discuss what our next plan is (unless we were about to do a battle in which its clear).

*when we started as a group, dinner was either pre-prepared before the meeting time (or ordered takeaway delivered) and "kept warm" in the oven until we were hungry - this worked well. But now i'm the only one who does this as the others are now always running late (or plan to do it "just before people arrive" and misjudge time).

My concern is that if they can't do a 6pm meet time reliably, then whats to say a 7pm game time arrival for me won't mean that they've just started eating dinner? And if i set it to 8pm arrival for me that is too late as people start visibly falling asleep around 9-930pm with glazed over eyes and drooping eyelids (and with sign language that means you can't even "listen along").

If people didnt have other things in their schedule, then i think a 2pm-6pm game would be ideal. They could meet at 12noon for lunch. They could stay for dinner after if they wanted. I wouldnt have to do either if i didnt want to. It wouldnt be a late night for anyone.

However 2 of the 3 often having things on during the days they want to do. And since the group "can" do it later, we work around other activities.

Sorry this post is way longer than i intended. Maybe i do just need to let them know that I am not enjoying it currently, to open a discussion about how we could modify it (if they offer to!) - then its not me saying how i want it to be, but them suggesting things they feel are possible to achieve. But i feel we have tried this before a year or two ago when people forgetting the storyline was a big problem - and we came up with a group solution (1 person offers to write a summary into the messenger "journal" chat, so we can all read it & refresh before the next game) - but the 2 who would forget the storyline also dont bother (remember?) to read it or write their post when they have offered to. :face_with_rolling_eyes:. We also tried the idea of out-of-session actions (eg what does our character do in the week at town? Brew beer, work as a labourer, visit the shrine, etc) but the other 2 players never put in what their characters were going to do, and so the DM never enacted it).

I've always liked the idea of DnD adventuring, so I'm glad to have a group of friends to do it with. But it is such a drain and feels like pulling teeth for me - not recreation! 🥴

They're really pretty @Bow ! DIY box kit is a great idea! I know someone who does a cardmarking group that way - she attends and makes whatever that week's design is. 😊

You kinda got to just shake your head in disbelief and laugh when people don't realise that nature doesn't magically make carbon-copies of itself on-demand 🤣. "You find me the stone/stick/leaf you want me to use, and I'll use it!" 😅

@AlwaysMyself How are you feeling today? I’ve been thinking of you. It upsets me for you that yesterday’s social caused you sadness.

I do think tolerance will improve once fatigue decreases. My tolerance for waiting with fatigue is very very low. When I’m not fatigued my tolerance is much higher.

I’m wondering if something like each person bringing a plate of food would help at all? Taking some pressure off you for cooking and meaning you can be at your place and not having the drive home? While that could result in people who are late missing out on some of that food too but it may encourage them to be more on time? Another alternative is each person just bringing what they want to eat? These are just suggestions to try to think of ways to actually play the game and also eat.

Oh I did not realise this was all in sign language that does make it harder to keep up with when they’re back on track.

Saying that you are struggling to keep interest when things are progressing slowly is a good idea. Perhaps as you’ve known the DM for a long time that could help remind them to keep the game on track. It’s also a polite and genuinely valid request.

If people are available at 2pm to 6pm that would be very helpful as you would actually get a game in and not have to worry about it getting too late. Those who can’t always attend could let the DM know what their character will be doing Eg brewing beer and that could be the default position rather than asking them each time they can’t attend?

Opening up a discussion is a good way to try and resolve the issues but doesn’t always work. It depends on the individuals involved and whether they are able to strategise solutions as a team to make it a win/win sort of situation.

@AlwaysMyself You did totally mention that your group used sign language; my bad for forgetting that, the privilege is reeeaaaal.

I can hear how there's a lot of conflicting needs in the situation, and it can be so hard to find a way of doing things that is gonna be ideal for everyone. My thoughts are:

1. Chat to the group about finding compromise

2. See how you go next session, could be that this time was a bit chaotic and got to you more than usual

3. Take a little break to recuperate some energy and come back in a couple weeks or so to see if anything has shifted.

I totally understand how hard it can be to find a D&D group, so it makes sense you wanna try to find ways to make it work. I hope you can find a happy medium 😊

I don't expect you to remember everything (i certainly can't!) especially small details like its a sign-language group. @Jynx @Cuddlebear . 😊

The group is good at "coming up with ideas" and agreeing to do things.

...and that's where their adhd kicks in 😅 and nothing actually happens after that stage!

We usually only meet when all 4 of us are available, as we can't really have a character-player not present when mid-story. (We did make up that the 5th person's character ran away with a barrel of alcohol though, when he said he wouldn't be able to come for a few months - as a way to explain his absense). One time thiugh i did exactly as you suggested @Cuddlebear , when i was away and i knew the characters/story was "in town" - i said my character will do XYZ whilst they do whatever they do that session. But usually we are "travelling" and fighting, so we can't.

I am hoping it improves when I am not as tired. But i don't think i was as tired as i normal am yesterday. Most times i wish i could leave early or wish they would get a move on with setup. Thats where the sign language is harder i guess, even without the inability to multitask (all 3 struggle with that i think, where as i don't), you can't easily watch or sign whilst setting up things physically. 😅.

Not sure when our next session will be. It will be in the new year for sure, as we are busy this week with christmas and then i am away for a week. Not sure if others are also away in January, i recall 2 of them have a lot of trips planned for this first half of the year (eg weekends away).

That might give me some time to rest though.

I want to believe that if we come up with some strategies that they will also enact them, but i don't think they will. I did float the idea of a turn-timer to one of the group a month ago (i think it was one of your ideas @Jynx ?) but they didnt like it so i didnt mention it to others.

Perhaps some more "structure" about non-battle sequence could help. Could go around asking for what action/question one by one, rather than an "open forum" - and those who don't know what they want to do can just pass/"watch" until they do have an idea. That way it won't stall on a single person's repeated action attempt (they could do it again next round, but in the mean time we all still get to do what our characters do so we are not disengaged). 🤔

Thank you both for your encouragement and ides on this 😊🥰.

I just realised i also need to figure out what i want to tell the GP tomorrow when i see him. The plan is for him to give me the certificate for work leave.

I'm not sure if to tell him i want to put an application in for NDIS (even though it will most likely be declined). But i would need a GP to write a lot of the application docs. And i apparently need a psychiatrist or registered psychologist to also give a report/assessment - but i don't have one, and i dont know (doubt) whether one would be able/willing to do one from a single session -- all they could do is administer the various rating scales and report based on what i tell them. And then there is the cost of it, which if i don't even think i am likely to get NDIS approval....

But i would rather be decline and be able to say "i tried" than not.

I'm not sure if to discuss with him whether i should see for MH another doctor in the clinic (who has an interest in MH) until i get in to see the MH-focused GP in March (different practice).

I am concerned he will only look at my outward appearance of function (and not asking the questions which actually show how i feel despite the "doing"), and based off that not see my MH as as severe as it is.

And even if he does recognise that it is severely impacting me, he always down-plays things (likely has a lot of patients who react to things with anxiety i guess) but it feels to me more like he is not understanding how serious it is or dismissing it. I think i need to ask him not to say things like "it will be ok" or such platitudes. I am not an anxious person, i dont come to him in a state of high emotion. Its rare that i cry there, but the past year i have probably half the times had calm quiet tears whilst saying how my MH/SI is.

@AlwaysMyself ahhh the ol' ADHD chaos, it can be difficult hey - heard it described as 'like herding cats' 🤣

Our brains have this awesome paradox at times where we literally cannot function without some sort of structure, but yet will feel resentment at being confined by it. The role-play side of things can certainly get very chaotic so taking turns could work - we used to do it in my old group, especially in those moments where everyone seemed to have their own idea of what we wanted to do!

You're so welcome! I also totally forgot that I saved a bunch of D&D memes to post in your D&D thread, might have to wait till I'm back in Jan, alas! Here's one as a taster haha

As for the whole issue of 'falling through the gap' as they call it (too unwell to function, not unwell enough for intervention), I totally feel you. Do you think it would help to preempt the platitudes by sorta saying 'I know you'll want to reassure me, and I know that how I present might seem like it's not as bad as what I'm saying, but I really want to impress upon you how serious I am about how dire things feel right now' or something to that effect?

I'm sorry that it feels like you're not being taken seriously, that is always so disheartening. I keep my fingers crossed for a desirable outcome for you hun 🤞💜

Thanks @Jynx , i think that's a good suggestion re: GP. He rarely asks me any questions, and i don't naturally like being forthright about how i feel unless i have rapport and feel someone genuinely cares and wants to know. And my brain interprets asking questions as a sign of caring / to know more, so the absense of it can be hard for me to feel open.

I took time earlier in the week to jot down my thoughts about how things impact my life based on the NDIS form for psychosocial. I will try to find that in the morning, as that could be a way to instigate discussion without having to just reel it off verbally into a void (what it feels like). He can then read the dot points and ask questions if he wants.

I hope you have a really good time off in Jan. Are you away just for the PSW shutdown, or extra time off holiday also? 😊

IDK if it's helpful or not @AlwaysMyself but as far as I know, having an ASD diagnosis is really helpful for NDIS, particularly when it's psychosocial disability instead of physical. But that's where I'm at right now - trying to figure out where to get diagnosed that isn't gonna cost a fortune. All the best with it regardless!

Dot points are good! I like this plan. Fingers crossed you are provided with the care you deserve hun 🤞

Should be back in early Jan, might take time off later in Feb (around my bday!). So won't be gone too long hehe.

I shall wish you a merry holiday and hope that your end of year is nurturing for you 😊

Nighty night! 💜

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Did well with GP today. Was able to mentioned all the things i wanted/needed to in brief - including asking him not to respond with phrases like "it will be ok" and explaining that they feel dismissive to me because of when i was told that "it will get better" for the first 10 years (and it never did...). He accepted that well, and he listened to the various updates. Glad i wrote a list of topics to mention or i would have forgotten half of them, incl my medication!

I felt he was more realistic in recovery expectations this time, because he did mention that when i dont have sick leave he can do centrelink certificates and they can be for more than month-by-month (which is what we have to do for work). That felt good that he isnt expecting me to be able to go back to work after just a month or two off. That was relief. Although logically it shouldnt make a difference whether or not i have his support in it because my counsellor and mum are both encouraging/advising me to take the year off and thats what i have agreed to try. But having his validation and support i guess feels good too, because i don't like "disappointing" people or feeling misunderstood/downplayed or that people may percieve me as "exaggerating". (No one has every accused me of exagerating or faking, but i guess its always a fear i feel).

This is good.

@Cuddlebear @AuntGlow @rav3n @MissGremlin @NightFury @Shaz51 @Chasingsunsets (not tagging Jynx just because i dont want to add to the load of tags when they return

Well done on advocating for yourself and your needs @AlwaysMyself and I'm glad your GP was supportive and more realistic in his expectations.

It sounds like it was a positive appointment.