TW: The 'real' me inside - I come with an SI warning

@AlwaysMyself Hello lovely how are you?

I had no idea that the acrylic paint fries a shade darker! Seeing as there’s only 1 grey shade in stock you could get an empty paint tube and lighten the grey to better reflect the grey we’d like? It sounds like the paint tube does a good job so it’s not a waste of money too.

I can see colours but they are blurry and also I have trouble seeing lighter colours or colours like browns, grey, silver. I need to look at it very close up and it’s blurry and isnt well defined. It’s hard to describe! I wouldn’t notice if it’s the exact grey!

If it’s easier we can keep it on this thread or upto you really.

It’s really lovely I’ve we’ve got this connection here via the craft. Thank you so much for all the effort.

@AlwaysMyself been catching up on things here too!

Love reading about all your resin/plaster experiments!! You models and the terrain your friend made look soooo incredible!! Me, I kinda have some childrens toy sets - fake castle and very lame looking trees 😅 I haven't been able to test run them cos it's been so long since I've had a group to play with.

Been reading that article about anhedonia - suuuuper interesting stuff, I will have to return to it later methinks. Just wanted to see if there's anything you'd like to chat about in relation to it, but totally okay if you aren't in the right frame of mind for deeper discussions 😊

Thanks @Jynx . I do have some more thoughts on it (although havent had a chance to read more yet, but had some yesterday while reading) but haven't had the chance to sit down and write it up as i read along. Hoping to get the chance late tonight or else tomorrow sometime. (I was too busy with looking at painting supplies earlier haha and then out all afternoon from 2-9pm).

I appreciate you asking 😊.

@Jynx @AuntGlow

I will write more later, preferably when I'm on my laptop with a decent chuck of time available.

But whilst reading a bit more of today i have some thoughts/ideas...

I recall it mentioning the early steps around noticing sensation (not focusing on pleasure) - initially physical, then can be emotional. The thought came to me whilst i was having my remedial massage, so I made conscious effort to notice what it felt like. (Normally my attention is focused on which muscles do i need to relax to aid the massage effectiveness and mentally control the pain response). Because some parts are not painful, so i was trying to notice them more until the stroke hits the painful area and i need to focus on relaxing the muscle.

Feeling the warmth and gentle stretch of the muscles (which arent too tender) feels "right"/healthy -- its a positive-side-of-neutral feeling.

And after massage i know that my muscles are less painful and are more relaxed which is a good thing. I don't feel it emotionally, but i can notice that I am not in pain and that this is a good thing. I think that is why i don't have an emotional/mental-block to the chiro and massage visits, even though they can be tiring physically (and massage mentally tiring when its a lot of pain - but i am so sensitive to it some days that if we avoided the tenderness we would not be able to relax the muscle at all, hence i do my mental pain coping and relaxation to control it). I can cognitively remind myself they help by preventing the build up of pain and when i dont have it even a half-week delayed i notice the pain niggling up again. I am emotionally so tired of physical pain that there is some emotional connection to these as being "good" even if "tiring" to travel to.

I think logging my pre-thoughts, during sensations and post-activity thoughts and senstations and "am i glad i did this, or rrather i didn't?" would be a good idea to do.

Emotionally i feel a real block to it, it says "egh, effort" to the idea of logging it. 🤣🤣 but i think the logging is important for 2 reasons and i know i can cognitively hijack my thinking to motivate me to do the logging too... but im not sure this is healthy?? Maybe its a bit of "well, its not ideal, but if it works in the short term then its worth it for the long term benefit"?

First reason logging is important is because then i have "concrete evidence" of what i thought and felt -- not just based off what is "memorable".

However i am a bit... concerned? ... about this may end up that i record how much i dont feel good from things and still wish i didnt do them. I have kept functional by making myself do things that i dont feel like doing (incl social things). If my log shows that i repeatedly feel worse after... then what? I know its easy to say "change to do a different activity instead" (or modify it) but i dont think i always can? E.g. if i did that socially, i would not see people and then i think i would feel worse for isolation. My friends dont have time (or, not their priority for their time) to spend 1:1 time with me - so if i want to see them i have to do the group activities which i feel exhausted after. And if i end up socially isolated face-to-face that would definitely trigger worse MH/SI for me.

However, i can hijack my emotional barrier to the log by telling my exhausted resistent part that this log will be "proof" of how it feels, and that i can then use it as a form of "evidence" when talking to health providers about the chronicness of it, and could hold more weight in their view than just my "recollection"/memory which of course many people (who dont talk to me frequently) assume is just a tinted view from depression-brain and that i "forget" all the times i feel positive from things. I've actually make conscious effort the past 6 months to try and notice if/when i feel positive at all doing something so that i can hold onto and remember that feeling later. .... the problem of course is that i havent really had these feelings 🤣🤣 so all i notice is "neutral" or "tired"/"bored"/"socially-disinterested"/"physical-pain" etc etc.

Hello @AlwaysMyself,

How are you today? 💛

I want to start with your comments regarding the article! I am wondering if your sense of consumptive anhedonia might come from masking? Or even a pre-emptive sense that something won't feel good (especially if there is also a sense of pushing yourself to do something)? I know sometimes when I am experiencing depressive episodes, it can be really hard for me to connect to the joy of something because my brain pre-empts feeling heavy. 🫶

I am glad the behavioural activation side of things landed! What else did you resonate with when reading the article?

Also, I enjoyed reading that you like yourself and know you are skilled, that's really wonderful. 🥹

It must be so frustrating knowing things intellectually, but not being able to connect to those lighter/joyful spaces. Where are you at in your therapy journey now? And have you heard more about the trial?

Regarding your comment today - using your massage as an opportunity to become curious and reflect on sensation is GOLD. "Feeling the warmth and gentle stretch of the muscles (which arent too tender) feels "right"/healthy -- its a positive-side-of-neutral feeling." - This is really great awareness.

The logging is also a really good idea! I understand where your concerns are coming from, though I think it will likely highlight what needs to shift and change. For example, I am getting the sense 1-1 connection might fill your cup as opposed to group activities that drain it?

Let's do a quick imagination exercise:

Say, the person whose company you enjoy the most calls you and says, 'I just want to hang out tonight 1-1, doing something that feels easy for you' - how does that feel in your body? What sensations do you notice come up?

It's okay if nothing comes up, I am just curious. 💖

Oh, btw, Bow responded to you earlier about her crafts!!

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@AuntGlow wrote:

I am wondering if your sense of consumptive anhedonia might come from masking? Or even a pre-emptive sense that something won't feel good (especially if there is also a sense of pushing yourself to do something)?

I think it started with the former -- the effort of masking. However I do know that I do have an internal mental fight with myself when agreeing/arranging some activities -- between the "I'd like to do..." and the "but I usually feel exhausted after" and whether or not it is worth the exhaustion feeling. (In the case of baking, the exhaustion isn't masking -- it's the physical effort and then the cleaning required after). But I try to tell myself that maybe it won't be tiring, and maybe it will have something funny or interesting (e.g. DnD may be funny, and learning new crafts like the moulding might be interesting), and that is may not be as draining as it is sometimes (sometimes it is less draining and more neutral than other times). So I do make a conscious effort to go in even-minded or optimistic where I can. If I am already really tired beforehand (but I have pre-committed) then it can be difficult to be optimistic because I am going in tired and I'd rather rest. But if I commit to a social thing I like to be reliable for it. 1:1 coffees I don't find draining usually, so I am OK to still go to them without feeling negative about it. And I am selective about what group things I agree to in advance - DnD nights, family obligations, birthday dinners, boardgame nights... otherwise I usually ask if I can confirm on the day or night before (when they don't need to cater or book, that is).

You are very correct that 1:1 socialisation fills my cup, where are groups often drain it. However not all people 1:1 will fill my cup - some people I find very draining in any dosage (difficult to get conversation out of - or always small-talk only, or too excessive in their energy, or very focused on a singular topic that I have no interest in). I have 4 friends locally that I don't find draining: one is my reclusive-coworker (who getting a short written message response from once per month is a lot more socialisation than most people receive from them); one is chronically too busy and I only see at my DnD sessions; one is usually tired after work and on weekends but when things are not too busy at work can catch up sometimes (she has next week off work so I will see her on Tuesday for a coffee 1:1 as the 3rd person has had to pull out); and the 4th person I don't know on a 1:1 level much but I trust and like her, and she is retired so it is possible I can maybe catch up with her more often this year - but usually I see her in the friend-group who meet for coffee daily if I join them).

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@AuntGlow wrote:

Say, the person whose company you enjoy the most calls you and says, 'I just want to hang out tonight 1-1, doing something that feels easy for you' - how does that feel in your body? What sensations do you notice come up?

I would feel lighter (?) and (in so far as I ever feel) the mild-excitement (it's not excitement in an energetic way, but its a soft positive anticipation feeling, so I guess that is a positive feeling even if mild and only pre-activity). Social 1:1 is the only thing I feel this for that I can recall, though. In the past, I used to feel this about travelling overseas - but I have not felt that for many years now, not even when I get to the airport and check bags in. Interestingly I only get this feeling for thinking of 2 of the 4 friends (the 2 who are least accessible for 1:1 unfortunately), but I would also get that feeling for 2 other coworkers I know and 'click' with but would not be appropriate to socialise with outside work whilst I am an employee still (maybe if they moved to another workplace, or if I quit my job... although one is also chronically busy outside work so they would not be able to anyway). All 6 of these people are people I trust enough to have personal conversations with - that is important to me.

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@AuntGlow wrote:

It must be so frustrating knowing things intellectually, but not being able to connect to those lighter/joyful spaces.

100%. 😅.

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@AuntGlow wrote:

Where are you at in your therapy journey now? And have you heard more about the trial?

Waiting on them to reach out in around mid-January for the info on what referral info my GP needs to do and tests to give referrals for, for medical eligibility screenings (blood test, ECG). Because they have a trial group starting early-Jan they are busy with that intake until mid-late Jan when they can then start the process for my intake group. But they said I am a prioritised candidate for the next batch, so unless my medical indicates something that means I am ineligible, then I should be able to be in the late-March group. 🤞. I feel positive towards it - regardless of whether I get the actual treatment or the alternative medication administered, it will be an interesting experience because I have never taken drugs of these types before (I am both too legal-ethical to use illicit drugs in the past, but also would not know how where to obtain them / have the contacts for it these days either 🤣). If I get the real treatment, then I am hopeful something will change - whether small or big. It does have very good results so far -- even often mentioned in the anhedonia literature I skimmed on my last day of work.

@AuntGlow

(and @Jynx @rav3n if interested)

@Bow sorry for a delayed response, been thinking about your insights. I appreciate them. 😊 sadly as suspected about the variability of even covering costs 😏. Its rough.

I don't know much about the costs of insurance for market stalls, but i know someone who used to run a small market locally that had it that i could ask. She had a type that people could pay her a small amount per market day to cover their insurance requirements through hers as the market owner, which made it affordable for small businesses starting out. But i'm not sure if the other markets here offer that - i suspect not. And no idea how much the main markets where i am charge, probably a bit! But there is 2 small local markets i know of (one weekly, one monthly) at the local supermarket-cafe corner shop centre which i think are cheap - they get passing traffic for the shops, not for a market itself. Only 6-12 stalls sort of thing. I guess that could be a good start if/when i build up a stock of items. Could also sell online with a "pick up at market" option i guess. 🤔

Would love any advice or tips on the market stall insurance things if you know any.

@Cuddlebear I mixed up some grey paint and painted a small bit to see what it dries as. I also tested the new grey too, which as i suspected is quite dark when dry.

 What do you think of the grey on the left side?

Shall we go with that shade?

I have also done a test-patch for the belly using my "antique white" colour. What do you think of it? (It is hard to see because its a slightly cream-white)

Here is my current setup for painting area on a stable-table for my lap/couch lol :

 the pink silicone mat ($4 on clearance) has a pop-up for holding brushes 😎 and little parts at the top for paint which i wont use for this. The blue thing is a paint brush washer ($5) lets me rinse a brush in clean water then press a spring to empty that dirty water and it refills with clean water from the jar! And of course the little grey bottle to the left -- thats the new squeezy bottles i bought to fill with my own paint blends. I also bought a number of new paint brushes 🤭 especially the fine detail ones as i find them most useful and once they start to get stray bristles they don't work as well for precise areas.

@AlwaysMyself Hello lovely how are you?

I think the grey on left side is better. It looks a bit lighter in colour. Suits the character more. The white colour picture isn’t coming up. Doesn’t seem a moderator had approved it yet?

Love the setup! Very functional and I’m not surprised you picked up a few more things. I love the paint brush water cleaner never heard of that before!

Are the tubes doing a good job sealing the mixed paint? Has it been hard to match up the colour? There will be some fine details on the face part so the think brushes will come in handy.

I like the idea of the small market stalls at the shop. And as you said you could organise people to pick up from there if they buy online.

@Cuddlebear

I added the white-belly photo to the post later, so i wonder if somehow that didnt get into the feed to be approved, interesting!

 see if this gets through instead.

I shall paint the big grey section then 😊. I like to do the largest colour first as it helps me then decide the shades for other parts.

I had never seen a paint brush washer like it either. I thought it was a great idea. 😊 the only thing i would change would be to add a little edging on the water channel and pool - if i try to move it, water overflows lol 🤣.

Hoping this afternoon goes well with friends. We are starting earlier than usual so we can end earlier than usual hopefully too, which is good because then we will all be less tired and more alert i hope.

I'm making air-fried tofu with peanut dipping sauce, and they're bringing vegetables to dip also. (The airfried tofu is like fried tofu, but no oil thus healthier for me.) One of the group is vegeterian, so tofu works well for the group.

@AlwaysMyself Yummy food sounds very good! It’s a good meal on a warm day too. I am sure your afternoon will go well. I’m really happy you have done company coming over.

Ah ok I can’t see the white it’s hard for me to see white on white. But I trust it looks splendid. Really good idea to do big parts first then can tackle colours for smaller parts!