TW: The 'real' me inside - I come with an SI warning

@AlwaysMyself Hello friend. How are things? How are you feeling now you are back at work? Does work help keep your mind from worry? I found work would help me not think about my problems. It was for me a good distraction.

Im really glad you got to spend a few hours with a friend. It sounds like it was helpful and made you feel better. Human contact is so important isnt it.

Yes I wish our funding was flexible. Yesterday a friend moved some furniture for me. They also put some clothes in my cupboard. That was really helpful and I had a little company too. Unfortunately support worker funding is categorised. A lot of people including me have had funding stripped. It’s caused a lot of issues for participants and we are left with a package that doesn’t meet our needs. It makes us become unwell.

My mental illness is from things that are or have happened in my life. It is even harder when you have multiple disabilities. I’m nervous about APARC but I’m really hoping it can help me improve how my life is at the moment. Hopefully there will be a bed soon and I can have some intensive supports. Others have said it’s helped them so I really hope the same will apply for me.

@Cuddlebear yes, work is a good distraction for me from my difficult thoughts. 🙂 That is why even if I am feeling stressed or depressed I don't take time of work, as it would likely increase the risk of worsening my mood. It was quite extreme for me to take a week off work earlier in the year, and only because I knew a family member could keep me company that week.

Had my counselling appointment today. I think it went well. The time seems to go very fast - which can be sometimes because of having to explain/clarify things a bit still as they are getting to know me and my thoughts/feelings. But it is good that I feel comfortable to correct her assumptions, for example the assumption that I "enjoy" going for a walk with two friends. (I don't enjoy it - the conversation is usually surface or one-sided-focused, and the actual walking hurts my knees and back; I do it because walking is said to be good for my health, the dogs like to sniff/walk, and spending time with people is supposed to be good for my mental health). I feel a little bit like she has forgotten what we discussed last time (the first appointment) which was admitted 3 weeks or so ago, because we had discussed about the tiringness/burnout of doing thinks that are "good" for me even though I don't feel better from them. We've booked another appointment for next week, since I haven't been so well the past 2 weeks (rather than waiting for the one the week after). The upside of no medicare rebate is that she has availabilities 😅.

I am so glad to hear a friend helped with moving some furniture and unpacked a few things. 😍 I am so glad they are showing their care and support of you in a practical way. How does it make you feel to have them choose to help you?

I can understand being nervous about the APARC; it's something new and unknown people. I hope you do find it helpful also. 🙂
And hey, the accommodations alone will be better than your current place, right?? So even if you still feel depressed and anxious, you will have a hot shower available and meals provided!

And if for some reason it's not "better than home" you can always choose to return home instead. But I don't expect that will be the case from the sounds of it.

Do you think it will be nice to have more social contact with people while at APARC too?
(I hope you meet some people as friendly as a number of us on the forums are!)

Hello lovely @AlwaysMyself,

I don't know if I told you this already, but your contribution to the forums and our community is so beautiful - you give SO much and we are all really grateful for your time, energy, and support.

Know that this energy will come back to you, tenfold. 🥰

I hope your pain is slowly easing and that you have allowed yourself some rest days.

I also really hope you do speak to this friend more often, she sounds awesome. Have you reached out this week at all?

I hear you, and I know you're really considerate and aware of where other people are at. Maybe you can explore trusting that your friends can set their own boundaries and that it's okay to show up exactly as you are?

You know that actually makes so much sense! I have had many friends over the years who I will rarely speak to, but who I can always count on. Sometimes friendship isn't about the quantity of time spent together, but the quality. And it sounds like she is someone you can really trust and rely on - how wonderful. 🤩

Thanks @AuntGlow ; that is encouraging to hear. It's one of those funny things where sometimes you can tell as person is appreciative and other times they're not coping well enough to be able to realise/appreciate the attempts to be supportive. Being able to use my 'lived experience' to relate a bit more or have a degree of insight into people (especially those with SI) gives me a lot back in terms of 'a meaningful life' and passing on the support that I wish I had earlier on in life (or that at times I was fortunate enough to receive from others). Feel welcome to tag me in any posts where people are looking to chat/connect with other that have/understand SI or SH; sometimes I forget to check the "hidden area" that is the SI/SH space.

I feel especially lucky to have Cuddlebear here to chat to, to support each other in our good and hard days. @Cuddlebear has given back to me as much as I've given to others. 😊

I would normally have seen my friend today, as we both do volunteering today, but she was absent. I hope she is OK, and it was just work pressure that meant she wasn't able to make it. (Sometimes urgent work meetings or time-sensitive tasks come up). I will see her and another friend this weekend though. (This is the one I went on a walk with last weekend, not the social-recluse friend.)

I do sometimes feel that I wish I could send messages to my social-recluse friend when I think of them (like I would to others), and short messages of encouragement, or funny thoughts/observations, etc. And I've always said in the past they do not need to reply/respond - that I am sending it just to be friendly and because I value being able to give their day a small smile. However they have nearly always responded (sometimes it seems to acknowledge it and then say 'talk later'*), so I am concerned that they feel a social pressure/obligation to respond -- so I don't usually "be my usual self" in that regard, and reserve messages for when I haven't heard from them for a while (to keep in touch) or for when I know there is an important event (like a funeral) that I want to express thoughts/support for.

*we don't "talk later", so I interpret this as a subtle/friendly way of them saying "please don't message me until later" (e.g. next week, or whatever).

I could be direct and ask them quite frankly if that is what it means, and/or whether they do feel social pressure/obligation to respond (and prefer I do not message) or whether they would be happy for me to message more often if I wanted to. I know I can be direct with them like that, and they wouldn't mind at all. But then I am concerned they would still feel societal-pressure to not say if they didn't want me to message them - even if I am obviously saying it's 100% fine to say so. So there is my conundrum, and so instead I just err on the side of caution and limit my messages to them 😅. It doesn't harm me to do so.

@AlwaysMyself Good morning lovely. How are you? I realise you are at work and I hope it is going well today.

I thought that work might be a really good distraction for you. It often is for people. Obviously getting paid is awesome but I do like how it gives us a break from our own thoughts as we focus on tasks we have to do and chat it’s people about work related stuff and sometimes a bit of social banter as well.

The time during counselling does go fast. An hour isn't very long and because we are explaining how we feel plus having to clarify things our hour together just goes so quick. Does your therapist take notes? I find that they can forget things and wonder if it is because they don’t go over notes due to time constraint? I agree that it it’s important that they understand what you mean. The example you provided is an excellent one. I do like that you are comfortable enough to correct her assumptions. It also shows you are building rapport together and you’ll build more as you have more sessions together. It’s really good that you are seeing them again next week. Did they provide any feedback on things that you can try to do when you feel particularly unwell?

It was really good a friend helped yesterday. They also took me shopping and to a big park to let Wilbur have fun. I felt that someone cared and having some company was heart warming.

I am very much looking forward to having my own room and accessible shower ensuite at PARC. Having large spaces with plenty of room for Wilbur and I and a proper back yard. I’m looking forward to no clutter due to restricted place and things like the kitchen etc working safely. I’m also looking forward to having humans around and having company from other participants and staff. Having healthy food provided is something I’m very happy about too. If nothing else the environment there is much better for me. There’s even internet access. Considering the dump I live in being at PARC will be a very welcome change. I’ll even have people to have a meal with or maybe do some craft with. I’m craving human connection and I hope I might even make some friends.

@AlwaysMyself Awww that was a really beautiful thing to say. I am really glad that we’ve built a friendship here and that I’ve actually helped you as you have honestly gone above and beyond for me on these forums. Your posts and chats have made me feel that there’s a person here who actually cares and also that you understand too. That’s a really rare and very precious thing to me. I really do want to thank you. I love chatting to you and getting to know you here.

Have you heard at all from your friend who you volunteer with? I also hope that they are Ok. When is your next volunteer time? I’m hoping they’ve just had something else on that couldn’t be moved to another day and time. I’ve done a lot of volunteering too and hope once I’m better I can continue to volunteer. Perhaps something like a peer support for people who have experienced family violence or working with young people as a volunteer peer support in the mental health space. I’d also love to lend my academic skills to not for profit places maybe like SANE or similar. Bringing in my lived experience and academic skills to address gaps and flaws in public policy.

It can be quite tricky to know sometimes what people really want. Like you I tend to err on the side of caution if I think that the person is feeling social pressure. It is however a difficult thing to ascertain and I tend to not force myself on others who might not have the spoons to provide a supportive ear or help. I have a good friend who I can share funny things with or holler about a topic we both like to discuss or is important to us. I know it’s ok with her as she always responds back in a way that tells me she likes my message. There’s other friends who I’m less spontaneous and check in to see how they are doing and how life’s treating them. Each friendship is unique and each person has a different vibe and connection too so navigating that can be tricky.

Im glad you’ve set aside some time to see your friends this weekend. Really pleased the friend you spent time with the other day had made time for you again. Does this make you feel supported and cared for? I hope it does.

I am so looking forward to hearing how APARC is for you @Cuddlebear 😊.

I googled PARC and my local area, and have found what their equivalent service is; I wish I'd known about it last year as I think it might have been helpful for me for some respite - if I was able to get a placement. Its a shame none of the referral-services I contacted at the time mentioned it; given I was very burnt out and due to burnout struggling with continuing to choose to live I think it would have been appropriate for some respite. I was still "functional" and attending work (as you noted - its a good mental distraction technique for me), so its not like I needed acute hospital care. But at least I know about it now if I get that rough for a long period again I can call up and ask for an intake assessment.

Im not sure if this therapist takes notes, but I assume she does - whether they are during or after session. So far the sessions have been via video as she is away from the local area for abit, so she could be writing but I dont think so. My mum doesnt take notes during a session when face-to-face usually (unless she needs to write a report or something), but she would always jot down notes between clients, and review the upcoming appointment's notes prior to the session. Quite understandable to not be able to remember everything from every patient on the top of you head; many fulltime therapists would see 5 patients a day, 5 days a week (25 sessions/week) and perhaps on average those patients are 2-4 weekly? That's 50-100 patients at any one time.

She hasn't given any feedback/insights yet, other than her observation that I seem quite aware of how I feel, things that impact me, and the behaviours I do or don't do in response to my mental health. But it is "early days" and at the very least it can be helpful to have someone to process my thoughts with; but hopefully as we progress she will get a good picture of my mental frameworks and what might help shift my stubborn lack of pleasure in life experiences.

My volunteering friend was unfortunately in a bit of pain (she also has.some chronic pain) and thus did not come. We have 2 more weeks of volunteering until the end of this year's program. It runs for school terms 2 and 3 each year. This is our 3rd year doing it - we met through it. 🙂

It is mentoring for young-teenager (12-15?), giving them someone safe to talk to about life and also to learn resilience and other wellbeing-related skills to help them. In case it's up your alley of interest (they do online anywhere in Aus, as well as face-to-face in select schools) : https://raise.org.au/volunteers/why-mentor-with-raise/

I hope its OK to share the link here 🤔, its not able to be personally-identifying, doesnt cost anything, and for me it supported my needs for connecting with community, and being a positive influence to a youth (which I wish I had as a youth).

Actually @AuntGlow I wonder whether it would be suitable to be mentioned to those studying peer support work at all? Some psychology students do mentoring (either for interest or for university credits) - not sure if it could be an option for practical hours for students doing peer work??

I think we are quite similar in nature @Cuddlebear - value the time and care others give us, but dont want to intrude or impose on others.

@AlwaysMyself Good afternoon lovely. How are you? How was your night last night after finishing work for the week? Are you doing a good shop today to prepare frozen meals?

It really is a shame none of the services mention the PARC service that operates where you live. From what you’ve described it would have been an excellent fit for you at the time. I am glad you do know now and it can be something you utilise if you feel it would be helpful. Once I go to PARC I’ll let you know what it’s like. I’m relieved I was accepted into the program and having time there I think will be really good for me. Many people go back more than once and get the respite and 24/7 support they need to help them on their recovery.

Yes many therapists have a large number of clients and most of not all I presume do some notes. I agree with you that it is understandable they might not remember everything every client says. Having a good rapport helps with this as you build confidence to go over things necessary and explain to the therapist your unique circumstances. It also does take time doesn’t it to get to know one another. I’m glad they are taking the time to get to know you first though that is a really good approach for a therapist to take.

Ah I’m glad you were able to make contact with your friend at volunteering. Chronic pain is hard to live with and can get in the way of daily activities. Hopefully they will be able to attend the remaining mentor sessions and thwt the pain is more under control. Flare ups really suck. How’s your pain been this week after the recent massage? I will check out the link you sent regarding the mentor program. You must find it really worthwhile and valuable being in the 3rd year of volunteering!

I’ve got psychologist today and tomorrow. My support worker is taking me both days. I had the tenant advocate come today to go over repairs in person. She was very helpful.

Glad you have psychologist sessions today and tomorrow. I hope they are helpful.

Tenant advocate - fantastic! Hope that will help speed things along with the RE/Landlord - and that they can continue to chase it up even whilst you're in APARC if its not done prior to that.

I'm looking forward to my massage tomorrow. My shoulders have been achy again/still, but my lower body not bad the past week thankfully. I have also booked for a checkup with a chiro myself - i got a discount to because "my dog referred me" (internal patient referral lol 🤭). The chiro does dogs also, but out of a normal human clinic not a vet clinic - as dogs were an additional specialisation he did after human chiro. Have also been thinking should get a podiatrist check too. Both can affect muscles and pains, so now that the muscles are not as tight generally I think its good to see if anything out of alignment that could contribute to the muscles always getting tight and sore again. Every now and then I get fed up with the pain enough that I investigate possible causes a bit more. A few years ago the doctor recommended auto-immune blood tests and bone scan done, so we've ruled out testable autoimmune causes. (I say "testable" because I have had assumed-CFS since I was 16, but it cant be diagnosed other than by elimination of anything else. Its the "we dont know" diagnosis, but i did have Epstein barr virus in my system which is common for CFS).

I have done today's dinner cooking already. Although I haven't had lunch, so I might just have an early-dinner instead. It tastes good (beef mince) and i think I might eat it with a roti bread. Then I can work out from eating it what else I think it might taste good with in the future other than roti if I want.

If I feel like it later I may even get a head start on tomorrow's cooking. Or maybe spend some time sorting things in the garage (planning a garage sale for the following weekend, but everything is in boxes in the garage and we need to set up the garage and price things, etc. So many little nick knacks.). I haven't really thought about physical signs for garage sale yet. Still have a number of cardboard boxes I can paint for signage - but do I really want to add one more thing to my list? But I think it would be useful to put a few up next weekend so locals are aware, not just those who search for them on social media postings or listing sites.

@AlwaysMyself Hello friend. How are you today? I missed this post somehow. Just noticed it now.

I know you’ve had a busy weekend. Did you manage to get pricing sorted for the garage sale?

How did the massage go? Has it helped a little? Do you get a full body massage or do you concentrate on where the pain is? That is really wonderful that the chiropractor does both humans and dogs. Very handy too! So cute that fur baby have an awesome review and you took a referral from them lol. Have you seen the chiropractor? If so any updates? It can be hard to pinpoint the cause of pain sometimes. I’m hoping the chiropractor might have some good insights after investigations. I’ll look up the illnesses you mentioned as I’m not familiar with them.

Might be useful to put a few signs up just so people walking or driving by know a garage sale is on. You could also post in local community groups via social media?

The psychologist was good. My new psychologist has been helpful and empathetic plus reassuring. I’m getting more comfortable with her as we get to know each other. I’m just glad the session helped and I see them again next Friday.

The tenancy worker has been helpful. They came over to take a look at the property too which helped a lot. They’re putting in paperwork to the tribunal tomorrow for an urgent hearing of urgent repairs. It’s not the best timing considering my health but it’s a move towards fixing important safety stuff up. The hearing coincides with my possible admission to PARC so I’ll need to really manage my mental health as this housing stuff is a real trigger for me.

I’ve spent the morning trying to manage symptoms. It’s a bit warm too today which impacts on the peripheral artery disease. Heat is no good I get quite hot and uncomfortable. In summer I need to be in air conditioning and a very cool environment or I over heat very quickly.

What’s on for you today? Are you catching up with the two friends you mentioned?