Unknown userMember
up and down and round and round - i just want to get off of the merry go round
hello fellow travellers
I am in deep, dark despair.
Has been building up again.
Missing my missing son who hates me. yes i know it is the illness. i still hurt despite that. am i over sensitive? am i weak? am i giving up? his dad said he told him he wants to study needs $400. i would love to help him with that. how do i know that he even still has a laptop? it is an online course. he has no budgeting sense with money, he has all sorts of direct debits coming out of his account. I know in the past he has been used alot by others, has spent thousands of dollars. I dont know whose company he is in now, whether they are true friends or not. I cant bear to think of him living on the streets at times.If he gets housing how is he going to budget to stay there and look after himself, not be used?
twin caring for mum - both struggling- shut me out, push me away, wont let me help, carer job so hard for her, mum in pain really cant do much now looking at nursing homes. I told sister feel as though they dont want me in the family. have already lost one son. My family is so small now. She said coudnt be further from truth. so it is my fault again that i am too sensitive when she is so cynical. my husband has witnessed their treatment of me and told me it is not me it is them.
friends are telling me how hard for sister, she needs a break, have her own life. they think that i am selfish not helping her. i have to tell them that they push me away. i offered to stay once a week overnight so sister could do what she wanted. mum told me no. i said to mum i can get to spend more time with you, just you and i. she replied. i only need to see you once every 2 or 3 months." Who knows that when they judge me because i am not the carer my sister is. my sister moved my mum out of where she was very happy.
i told husband not well at moment. so he started the usual "whenever you talk to your doctor you seem to get worse." I then have to explain" no, feelings come out. I told him am tired of hiding in rooms sobbing my heart out. hiding in house from people. i told him that i know he doesnt understand and that is ok. Just dont try to advise me, fix me, cure me. just listen.i dont want to have to keep explaining something that i am trying to work through myself. He cant fix it" He said "just nod then say nothing" I broke down and said "no not like some nodding doll. I am too drained to explain any more. I dont want to do this anymore."
husband now avoiding me. I took 2 sleeping tablets last night, awake all night. I have had enough. I just seem to not be wanted anywhere, i bring everyone down or i dont do it their way.
i dont think this is just depression, i think this is grief. i think that i am losing everyone including myself.
sorry to sound so wretched.
how can i respond to anyone else when i feel like this. everything is just slipping away.
