up and down and round and round - i just want to get off of the merry go round

hello @Former-Member @Kurra

Thank you both for responding.

Giving to others Is not within my capability at the moment. I am all out of everything.

Turning up unannounced is unheard of at sister's and mum's. We had a very strict upbringing, nothing out of place, no books, magazines. Did not have friends over to play. Our parents loved us but limited us.

Everything very organised, neat and quiet.

My sister is at her wits end and is not coping I do realise that. I feel so much for her but she does not let me in she pushes me away as she has done all of her life. Her coping mechanism. Mum is stoic, does not talk about feelings, her generation, yet her sister who died only recently was very warm, and openly affectionate. Might be something to do with mum was left at home with Grandma during the war while father, brother were serving in the forces, her sister (one who recently died) was in the land army. Mum was the youngest. I cant begin to imagine what they went through. Yes she would have grown up very quickly. My grandma whom I only saw when very young because of emigrating here when we were 12 was vivacious, bubbly, loving, beautiful, graceful, funny, sparkling eyes. She represented every human quality that I loved.

So I am the very sensitive, imaginative, emotional twin who has worn the mask. My twin is the opposite. She also buries everything but her emotions emerge in anger, cynicism, bitterness. She does not have any mental illness.

I love her so much and she does me in return, the bond is so strong but because we are so different we cannot be in one another's company for too long. She needs to have control and pushes me away. I have backed off because I know that she needs that control. She has too much on her plate too.

when I last had my session with my psychiatrist on monday, he suggested hospital. I am 50-50 about that. I was in a dreadful almost non-responsive state, yesterday different again, completely broke down and thought I was going to break into a zillion pieces. Spoke to two different helplines. First lifeline and second I'm not sure how I found them. I was looking to speak to someone re missing persons and ended up with another organisation who helps the community in victoria! she was lovely she would not let me get off the line for a while even though she told me at the end they dont have a helpline service. She also said that I can ring her back and speak to her again,

So that was a great help for me.

I have handed the work issue over to my husband now I dont even want to discuss it.

I have a psychologist appointment today which I am not looking forward to. She is supposed to be helping me with schizophrenia but the two sessions I have had, have been all about breathing and grounding after my telling her what is happening.

I just feel blank.

I cant go to hospital because house and property have to be kept ready for inspection by appointments. Husband cant do on his own on top of his work.

Husband also not coping very well with my deterioration and said does not want me in hospital.

Second son birthday today and having dinner out with him a week sunday. cant be in hospital and miss that. I need to be there for him just as much as missing son. He needs to know that he is just as important.

Also sister supposed to have telephoned back re new acat assessment and hasnt yet. She will fall apart if hears that I am in hospital.

There will be one big domino effect.

So I will write on here sometimes, have appointments, use lifeline, sane. Day by Day.

Reassess later.

thank you all,

stay safe, love yourselves

a blank canvas

I am writing to myself

back from psychologist visit

breathing exercises, grounding and something else focussing on where physical pain tension in body is

tension part worked but had chest pains after focussing session - cant remember what called

she likened me to a duck on a pond

not heard expression before

googled Be like a duck. Stay calm on the surface but paddle like hell underneath

confirmed am very deep said i spoke with such composure but could pick up slight tremble

i thought i sounded like a shaking mess wobbling jelly

she asked me if I had recently experienced a trauma I replied which one and filled her in also about psyche advising hospital

advised was going to be harsh with me "hypocrite" "lying", i am able to advise others so well

I understood where she was coming from but told her I could not relate to either of those terms. She asked why. I said I would never say that to anyone so why myself. So we went searching

get real

stop letting - this is the one I liked so we agreed on this one

she has told me hospital too

I broke down, said my son's birthday today need to be out of hospital for his dinner out

she said just go to hospital even for few days tell husband not to visit will only stress me out more with him working so hard and all travelling adding extra travel ask him if he want me to get better

all sounds good in theory

"sod everyone else" were her words

told me that I have great psychoanalytical skills, great empathy but need to stop over empathising

an hour and a half way over time apologised even though knew her reply she still in control

she is good I like her

not looking forward to telling husband tonight wont tell anyone else

hasnt really helped writing on the blank canvas better out than in i suppose

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@Kurra wrote:
Hi @Former-Member

I'm so sorry I haven't been able to respond earlier. This is the first time I've touched my phone since leaving for work this morning.

I can hear your frustration and despair as did the psychologist. I'm pleased you like her. It helps a lot.

It is better to share these feelings and experiences or should I say that I have found this to be so in my life.

Here for you mohill through thick and thin, good and bad. Thinking of you 💕 🎶 💗

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thank you Kurra

strange thing when feeling so low, as others have said dont need platitudes.

yet to be honest I found myself looking for a reply

i asked myself if I was attention seeking because there was no reply and yet I kept looking

i know that when i see others have posted and not yet received a reply I have in the past responded.

this is something that is triggered in me, from way back when I was young

nothing to do with you in any way shape or form

Your words mean so much to me Kurra

I am taking everyone else's advise and accepted hospital stay just waiting to find out when a bed available now. Hopefully by end of next week.

hello @Kurra @Former-Member

Kurra you are spot on.

A lady has been assigned to me via carers mental health australia, an offshoot programme in the hills area. She has had mental illness long term herself and is in recovery now. She has seen me a couple of times now and we have spoken on the telephone.

She also came to see my husband and myself together at our home because I told her how he struggles with my being unwell.

Fortunately they had a rapport and she wants to add him as a carer.

I have now decided that I have my psychiatrist and short term psychologist and that is enough for me. My husband needs someone and the very fact that he actually felt comfortable with this lady is wonderful. I have mentioned my idea to him and he agreed after we discussed my going into hospital.

I will try to talk to her on monday about my idea as she is coming for another joint visit on tuesday.

hospital list has 12 waiting, i have been put on top priority list. i didnt ask how many on that list.

After much draining discussion and my not being able to express myself clearly husband has accepted fact has not agreed to not visiting though. Refused to agree on that one. He still phrased the comment I must only come out when I am better.I have to keep reminding him that I am not going to be cured.

it is all so tiring mental crap

sorry dont mean to offend anyone

i do respect all others

just me had enough

yes agree also about not feeling valued idea Kurra, for me it is also not being listened to or being dismissed.

thank you again Kurra and Teej xxxx