I ruined everything

@TJ2027 I get the same advice, and it is hard. Hard to not hate yourself and hard to be gentle on yourself and hard to forgive yourself. But someday we both have have

I didnt want to own my own faults. But I knew I had to. I knew I had to take the blame for this because I knew in my heart I was to blame. Nobody else.

For a week now I have been trying to look at myself and make those changes that I need to make. Its hard. Ive cried every day. Laid on the bed for hours in the middle of the day and just cried until I have no more tears. I miss everything about my partner. She truly is my whole world. And now, she is gone, most likely forever.

For your own sanity, own your mistakes like you are doing. Talk to people. Be vulnerable. Chat with lifeline and beyond blue. They have helped me in the last week immensely. They will listen and let you get things out.

I am always here as well. As broken as I am, I will message back.

I think it's a good thing that you are trying to improve, it's all about taking small steps and you can't expect things to get better straight away. Although you say you that your biggest hope from reaching out is to inspire another I think it's more important to believe in yourself than that. While I'm not saying this next part is necessarily true, you almost sound like you have given up on the yourself, and that because things are so bad now you are past the point of anything being better again. Things may suck now and it's always hard getting through these things, but you need to be patient and take it easy while you are rebuilding things.

I want things to get better. Honestly I do. But ultimately, I want my partner back. I want to do life with her. There really is nobody else that I want to do life with. I was just too blind and stupid at the time to realise exactly what I had. And now it's too late to get her back. She has me blocked completely. I have no way of contacting her to even be able to talk about how she is coping or anything.

I just want her back.

I have the solution to all your problems.

I know that sounds impossible but please hear me out.

Jesus loves you.

No matter what you've done, no matter how you feel, no matter how far gone you might think things are,

He has always loved you.

Nothing you've done is ever too big or too horrible that he'll stop, because he can't. You are his child and he loves you unconditionally. And he's right there, he's always been right there, waiting for you to reach out to him. And if you can't see any other option, can't see how you'll get on with life amoung the mess it's become, well, that's your sign to turn to him.

Just give it a try. What's the worst that could happen? Honestly, if you really feel as bad as you've said, as if things are as difficult as you think, what have you got to lose?

I'll be ehre later if you want to talk more at all, but please, he loves you so much and he wants you to reeach out to him.

@writer77

Thank you. I know he loves me and will forgive me. Its not his love and forgiveness I want. i want my partners love and forgiveness. And she will not give it to me again.

Hi

@Legoguy

I just saw your thread and wanted to say hi and acknowledge how much you’re hurting.
I, too, am hurting - different circumstances, still heartache - and am also trying to do some study while feeling alone and like there’s a lot I’ve messed up in life.

Are you studying today?

(i admire how hard you’re working at taking responsibility and trying to make the earliest steps back from something that has changed your life so much)

@Semly yes I am studying today. Well trying to. In between bouts of crying. I cant blame her for any of this. Its completely my fault. I cant let anyone else take the blame for this.

@Legoguy

I’m impressed that you’re studying (or trying to) between crying.

You’re doing what you can do for today - giving her space and yourself new skills and distraction of a healthy kind, and some continuity in your life.

I also want to say thank you. To everyone who has messaged with support. I know that im not the victim in my circumstance. But I am suffering. And I wanted to say thank you to everyone who has given me support. It makes a massive difference.