Struggling… and crying….

Hi there,

just looking for a little company.
I’m new and finding my way here.
I find it very hard to feel like I belong anywhere.
@tyme, @AuntGlow @Shaz51 @NightFury would you like to chat with me a little here?

I feel so sad and stupid.
I’m probably going to mess up this post, but I’d just love some company.
I have two assignments to do, and am away from work for the moment because my current depressive episode got too much for me. Sometimes I’m able to feel like I made the right call about work because I wasn’t really helping anyone by being there (especially not myself), but the rest off the time I think I’m weak, incapable, incompetent, self-indulgent and lazy.
Yesterday was the best day I’ve had I in ages, and I was cherishing the feeling that I’d managed to connect a little here.

When I realised I’d have to try again I was so sad - I know, you can’t prevent it and you’ve got to grow and learn.

So this is my attempt to grow and learn and to try to connect.

I kinda feel like I don’t belong at Sane because my mental health issues aren’t serious enough. But life always feels like it’s a bit uphill even on my best days, and I have a lot of days that are far from best, and some genuinely bad ones.

I do really feel not good enough most of the time, and it makes me shrink, and disconnect (or be unable to connect in the first place).
I’m so blessed to have a family, but my struggles impact negatively on them - I was not a supportive or patient person this morning.

I’m a bit under slept this morning, but I need to make progress on my assignments. And also would love to “make progress” on “getting better”, but that might entail more of the ‘welcoming and /or accepting the feelings’, rather than actually feeling bouncier or happier than I do.

In real life I connected with a colleague who became a friend - they’re a mental health professional; I don’t know what I am … sometimes I felt therapeutic adjacent, which I know would make them laugh. But I feel like I’ve been too much for them and they’re getting some space (of course, it might have nothing to do with me … but that’s just me saying the right answer.) Makes total sense and simultaneously I feel heartbroken and bereft.

Thanks for listening. I’ve stepped crying now.
Please do let me know if I should edit this - I will straight away if needed.

I hope you all have started the day well and for those in warm places, I’ll say that it must have been below zero here - the house is chilly and I saw at least a glimpse of frost outside.

Warm wishes and thank you for listening.