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Something’s not right

Struggling… and crying….

Struggling… and crying….

Hi there,

just looking for a little company.
I’m new and finding my way here.
I find it very hard to feel like I belong anywhere.
@tyme, @AuntGlow @Shaz51 @NightFury would you like to chat with me a little here?


I feel so sad and stupid.
I’m probably going to mess up this post, but I’d just love some company.
I have two assignments to do, and am away from work for the moment because my current depressive episode got too much for me. Sometimes I’m able to feel like I made the right call about work because I wasn’t really helping anyone by being there (especially not myself), but the rest off the time I think I’m weak, incapable, incompetent, self-indulgent and lazy.
Yesterday was the best day I’ve had I in ages, and I was cherishing the feeling that I’d managed to connect a little here.

When I realised I’d have to try again I was so sad - I know, you can’t prevent it and you’ve got to grow and learn.

So this is my attempt to grow and learn and to try to connect.

I kinda feel like I don’t belong at Sane because my mental health issues aren’t serious enough. But life always feels like it’s a bit uphill even on my best days, and I have a lot of days that are far from best, and some genuinely bad ones.

I do really feel not good enough most of the time, and it makes me shrink, and disconnect (or be unable to connect in the first place).
I’m so blessed to have a family, but my struggles impact negatively on them - I was not a supportive or patient person this morning.

I’m a bit under slept this morning, but I need to make progress on my assignments. And also would love to “make progress” on “getting better”, but that might entail more of the ‘welcoming and /or accepting the feelings’, rather than actually feeling bouncier or happier than I do.

In real life I connected with a colleague who became a friend - they’re a mental health professional; I don’t know what I am … sometimes I felt therapeutic adjacent, which I know would make them laugh. But I feel like I’ve been too much for them and they’re getting some space (of course, it might have nothing to do with me … but that’s just me saying the right answer.) Makes total sense and simultaneously I feel heartbroken and bereft.

Thanks for listening. I’ve stepped crying now.
Please do let me know if I should edit this - I will straight away if needed.

I hope you all have started the day well and for those in warm places, I’ll say that it must have been below zero here - the house is chilly and I saw at least a glimpse of frost outside.

Warm wishes and thank you for listening.

41 replies

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In response to: Struggling… and crying….

Re: Struggling… and crying….

Thank you @Till23

I do feel uplifted.
Am a bit sleepy, so can’t do better reply right now.

I hope you had a restful night and have a good day 🍁🍂

Thank you for your kindness

In response to: Struggling… and crying….

Re: Struggling… and crying….

@Semly it sounds like it's a positive for them, and then it makes room for you to be able to support others who are the right fit for you. My experience taught me that it's important to acknowledge your own strengths in helping others and to also acknowledge when you're not the right fit for them and they're not the right fit for you. Energy doesn't lie - your feelings and your body will tell you what and who fits with you and who doesn't.

I've been up and studying since 6. I've been awake since 5.30. I had a better sleep, no nightmares, but I did wake a few times (which is totally normal for me). I never sleep through the night and I'm always awake sometimes between 3 am and 6 am. Sleep is an issue for me. I am chronically exhausted.

It's pretty cold here too, trust me.

I'm going to spend some time with a friend today. She lives about an hour and a half away, on the beach and I contacted her last weekend. She's the only person I could think of to add to my support network and so, I thought that maybe I should try and articulate what's going on for me so that someone in my life knows. It'll also be nice to catch up with her, it's been maybe six weeks since we've had a face to face natter. We're going to do coffee, a beach walk and maybe some lunch. Then I've been invited into a club for a meeting to discuss my chances of playing lawn bowls with them next season. I also have to buy food because I literally have nothing here and I'm hungry. The joys of adulting.

What about you?

In response to: Re: Struggling… and crying….

Re: Struggling… and crying….

Thanks for telling me about your plans @NightFury.
I just typed a big reply, got interrupted, thought it wasn’t right and so am beginning again. Words don’t seem to want to work for me today.
Your day sounds amazing. I hope your friend catch up is everything you need - I love that they live near the beach.
And the lawn bowls meeting sounds like planting a seed of possibility and promise.
I need to do a lot of uni work, so will think about ways to purposefully chunk it up so I can do that plus other things as well.
Every best wish for a very good day.
[I have imaginary views of Tasmanian hills and coastlines in my head now ].
Thank you for your company.

In response to: Re: Struggling… and crying….

Re: Struggling… and crying….

Hi @NightFury

Just a really quick message to ask how your day went yesterday?
you might’ve already said somewhere else, so you can point me there if you like 🙂.

I was thinking of you meeting up with your friend and then ding the met later in the day.
x

In response to: Re: Struggling… and crying….

Re: Struggling… and crying….

@Semly thank you for thinking of me. Honestly, it was beautiful.

She has property, so she took me for a walk round her property and showed me her chickens and I got to spend time with her doggo. Then we walked along the beach and talked. We sat for a bit on an outcrop of rocks, with the waves in the background and chatted about how counselling was going for both of us. Afterwards we went for coffee. The sun was warm, the beach was beautiful and the company was great.

On the way home the world started to feel a bit spinny. And I'd realised that in reaching for connection and doing a little bit of self-care, I had neglected other aspects of self-care. I hadn't eaten a lot and had no water. I'm also kinda cranky at myself because... while I shared some of what was going on for me, I picked and chose the lesser challenges to talk about and sugar coated everything.

It was a positive step forward, and a lovely way to spend the morning, but there are things I could do better.

In response to: Re: Struggling… and crying….

Re: Struggling… and crying….r

What an amazing account of the day … I’m coming back a bit later to reply properly

… but don’t jump straight on the ‘could do better’ treadmill if that makes sense.
You reached out and shared what you could … and none of us can remember everything… especially with extra stress

i learned the term eu-stress the other day - the stress occurring when we do something good but it still creates tension in us. You probably already know it. Very relevant I think on your field of study

I hope you have a good day today.
Is long weekend here … you?

In response to: Re: Struggling… and crying….r

Re: Struggling… and crying….r

@Semly I hadn't heard the term before, so thanks for sharing.

Not a long weekend here, unfortunately. I wish it was though!

Have a good day!

In response to: Re: Struggling… and crying….r

Re: Struggling… and crying….r

Hi 👋🏼 @Semly I was just passing by, saw your light on and Googled “Eustress.”

Now I have a name for the thing I do a lot of.

@Till23 @NightFury @Jynx @tyme I have used Eustress to evolve from my abusive relationship and while the challenges waver between Eustress and stress, it gives me the opportunity to identify programmed responses that no longer serve me.

Keep going for your good self.👉🏼

In response to: Struggling… and crying….

Re: Struggling… and crying….

Hello @Semly,

I know you sent this message a few days ago, but I am wondering how you are feeling now? Would love to hear if anything has shifted since then. 🥰

Please know your presence is always welcome here - we all have different experiences and varying levels of mental wellness, and that's what makes it such a supportive and engaging space to be a part of.

I can hear you are very sensitive, kind, and caring soul who always tries their best; and that you are very hard on yourself at times. Know that you don't have to be perfect here, okay? Maybe that will be a part of your Sane journey... slowly embracing all parts of yourself and learning that you are enough as you are. 💛

In response to: Re: Struggling… and crying….

Re: Struggling… and crying….

Thanks for sharing! I just learnt a new word "Eustress!" It makes sooooo much stress. That is, distress vs eustress... @Semly @Glisten @Till23 @NightFury

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