New chapter

@tyme I will say this, I think I need some stability for therapy to work to the full capacity. When I am super unstable, it’s hard to do that work. It becomes about surviving, SI got really bad. My resources got used for staying alive, I had no spoons left for changing rumination. I’m able to process more when calmer, even if I’m still not the best. I may still be an anxious mess (just my nature), but I’m no longer in crisis mode. My thoughts aren’t blending into each other to the point nothing makes sense. I have more resources to work through things now.

I can only hope this lasts. I will need to monitor my mood for a while, and hopefully I get more peace this time

Okay, @creative_writer - thank you for letting me know. ❤️

It could very well be both, for sure. I often feel exhausted and headachy after big emotions come up, so I think this is very common.

Wow! How do you feel after learning that information about your meds? I am guessing things could really shift for you with some changes!

I pinched a nerve in my lower back, so I am in a bit of pain right now. But otherwise, okay, trying to take things slowly and listen to my body.

What have you got planned for your self-care this week? ✨

@AuntGlow I’ve been out all day today, but I’m going home now, got what I needed to get done. I am exhausted, but I reckon this exhaustion will take time to settle. My whole body aches, I am booked in with a physio on the weekend. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned I get neck and back pain. I don’t know if my spine curves a bit sideways. It’s my first physio appointment for a while, so I’m going to raise that issue. I’ve had neck and back pain since my early 20s, and on days like today, I feel the pain more.

It’s crazy I had been on that med for a while, the Pdoc who put me on ethics were questionable. It was a traumatising experiences, but I was fortunate enough to find a sensitive and caring pdoc after leaving her. You need a pdoc who really listens. I probably never needed that med.

I hope you are able to rest up, back pain is rough. I hope you are doing better today 💖

I don’t have much planned for this week. Apart from physio, I have a GP appointment on Wednesday to follow up on female health. I think I’ll need to take the next few days easy, I’m still very exhausted and in pain. It took so much from me to get out today, but it had to be done

Ooh, ouch... it sounds like your body is really asking for rest. What could that look like for you tonight?

Neck and back pain really throws you out, doesn't it? 😣 Physio sounds like a really good idea, I am glad you are taking care of yourself where you can, especially after today.

And wow, reading about your doctor... that sounds like an awful experience to have, particularly from a health professional. I am happy to know you have a better specialist now, that's so important. When did they say you should notice any potential changes? 🤔

Looking forward to hearing more as we go on, @creative_writer. 💛

@AuntGlow people tell me to have good posture, but it’s so hard to maintain, my body gets all achy, it’s hard to stand and sit straight. Most of all, it’s probably not helping migraines. I also need to see a rheumatologist since I get swelling around joints and I feel stiffness. My GP referred me a while ago, I’m just waiting to get an appointment. My pdoc also thought it was a good idea because I’ve been experiencing pain for a while. The regular blood tests have been coming out normal. More specialised tests can be done through a specialist. The pain is frustrating and has caused so much discomfort and fatigue, but hopefully I’ll get answers soon. It’s hard not to let physical health affect mental.

That med wasn’t touched for years after I stopped seeing that pdoc. I had reduced the dose over time and added medication to stabilise the side effects. I don’t think anyone really realised that it may have been contributing to the instability I experienced for so long. My pdoc didn’t say how long it’ll take, but I’m already feeling calmer, I’m taking that as a positive. Though he did say it is possible to get withdrawal symptoms which should ease up after a while.

What have you been up to today? 💖

The physical pain has been tough this evening, it’s hard not to feel anxious. I’ve tried some massage, which helped a bit. It’s still a struggle

I feel nauseous and the physical pain is still there. I can’t get myself to get up and do something productive even though I feel like I should. Doing something will probably make me less anxious but I have no motivation. I am just in bed under the covers

@creative_writer I've been there many a time. Isn't it awful when you know that doing something will be the most helpful to lessening your anxiety, but the anxiety is preventing you from doing anything! It's so frustrating and can feel impossible sometimes! Throw in some physical symptoms too and you've got a really tough morning!

Do you have anything that helps to get you going when you're feeling frozen by your anxiety like this? Like for me just getting myself to do the smallest/most accessible version of a task is helpful. I'll tell myself "Just get up and get a glass of water and then you can come back to bed" or "Just splash your face with water and maybe brush your hair" sometimes that is all I do and I'm back in bed, but sometimes I'm able to keep going and do another small thing that'll help

@Ru-bee it’s not just anxiety preventing me from doing things, my body is feeling physically off. The fatigue and pain doesn’t help. It’s a bit of a chicken and egg relationship with pain and anxiety. I had a very emotional week last week (but finally got out of the mixed bipolar episode) , and I do currently have stressors in my life, so it probably makes sense. Finding employment is hard. My granny has also been super sick for a very long time, I try not to think of the worst, but once it came into my dreams, it made me realise how much it’s probably playing in my mind.

I’m going to take a shower. I can’t go longer than four days for a hair wash even though my hair doesn’t really get greasy, but my scalp all itchy and then I get sensory overload. I think I might feel better with clean hair, clothing and perfume. It does feel like a lot of effort, but it gets easier once I’m in the shower

Yeah, I'm hearing that being in pain and feeling unwell is really adding an extra level of difficulty here @creative_writer

A shower sounds like a great idea, hopefully it helps you feel a bit refreshed