Tillogram

Hello @Till23 I hope the rain eases until you can get the roofer back.

Be kind to yourself, grieving hurts and sometimes tears help.

I wonder if the wet weather and current memories of your dad mean this could be an appropriate time to tackle those rooms of stuff. Honouring and remembering him, and processing in order to move forwards.

Your open fires sound lovely. I installed reverse cycle aircon which leaves cold draughts around the legs. I'm tempted to turn on the expensive old gas heater.

Hello @AuntGlow @Shaz51.

Yes @Dimity this would be a good time, except I've got to make a presentation for my sport club to give to another group. So I'm busy making a powerpoint presentation, trying to source photos for the history of the club for the powerpoint. Then I've got some stuff to do for another upcoming club meeting. Then I've got volunteering and I need to train if it stops raining as I have an endurance event coming up, which I need to travel for, so have to organise that.

So I actually put something else on backburner until I get back and that's what I'll do with sorting through Dad's stuff. I need to manage the stress level.

How are you going?

I know you like being busy @Till23 so I hope it helps, and the sadness doesn't just bubble away underneath. I hope you can pause from time to time to get back in touch with yourself.

I'm okish. Trying not to feel sad/angry/frustrated over various things. I've been in a depressive slump for a while. I've just got to dig deeper to get out of it.

Yum! @Till23

Okay, this is completely fair. ☺️

I recall you telling me, that's so cool!! What's been your favourite moment from your sporting ventures?

I also recall you telling me about your experiences with interpersonal concerns and your current sense of purpose... was there something specific on your mind this week that you wanted to touch on?

PS: I know you know this already, but just a reminder that I think you do so well with working on both of those things.

PPS: You are enough to us. 💛

Hello @Dimity! How are you feeling this evening? Apologies for my delay, it can be very busy throughout the afternon/night shift! 💛

I'd love to talk more about my sport @AuntGlow but for anonymity purposes I cannot. Our team got a bronze medal at an Australian event so that was good.

I think it's the same old thing with feeling not as good as other people in general and more that I don't seem to be a nice person. I am trying to be helpful but somehow I don't do it in a nice way it seems.

I will try not to let the sadness bubble away @Dimity. I sort of have the initial reaction to these deaths and then later I revisit them when any associated organisational stresses are over.

I know you've been in a bit of a slump lately and I hope you are extending compassion to yourself regarding that and I also hope you find a way out of it in a reasonable timeframe for you.

🫂 Hugs @Till23 . You're so disciplined. Some of us can't revisit things at times of our choosing, they pop up unannounced and suppressing them doesn't help in the long run.

I just remembered a family member told me they'd also experienced an incident of CSA. I thought it had stopped with me.

I hope your presentation is successful and you can find enough photos and anecdotes to round it out. It sounds as though the next few days will be pretty full.

It's not discipline @Dimity it's just how I deal with it. I will have thoughts about the deaths but they are not overly intrusive, but some are, I have been present at all of these three deaths. The last one, my boy dog, was the most peaceful. But I think about the trauma my first dog went through before her death and my Dad who had a sudden death, but after a prolonged illness,

I have uncontrolled nightmares, flashbacks and intrusive thoughts that just happen as part of cPTSD that's mainly related to the CSA, physical and psychological abuse, but also other other traumas I have had, sometimes work related. I have no control over their presentation, so I definitely understand that and I have for many years tried to suppress them and I now know that is not the way to deal with it

Oh @Till23 so much sorrow and trauma. You may have already mentioned it but I trust you have ongoing therapeutic support.

Thank goodness I'm rarely troubled by intrusive thoughts, although they can flood me if I'm stressed and not sleeping well, and then exacerbate any MH symptoms I'm experiencing. I usually have the opposite trouble, blankness and an inability to visualise things. I can freeze with anxiety, and become paralysed or overwhelmed when overstimulated or facing decisions. My nightmares while reminiscent of work or study are almost always of strangers and emphasise my loneliness and disconnection. Emotional deprivation and social isolation from early childhood. I know that's not normal. It's achingly sad. I'm grateful I rarely remember the neglect, the corporal punishment, bullying and insults.

I guess I should counter it all with mindfulness and practising gratitude but the relief doesn't last long.