Tillogram

@Till23 I Hope your roof will be fixed soon. It’s so frustrating that the worker didn’t fix it properly the first time.

Gently bently with your deep grieving period.

I am glad you have your keeping busy approach to help you negotiate the difficulties coming up.

Also lots of luck in your comp. Though I can see you don’t leave it to luck, but put in the work.

@Dimity hey! Hearing you about the limitations of gratitude. It can help soften feelings and thoughts and remember a good thing worthy of gratitude. Recalling good memories can help me shift focus from all the trauma and tragedies.

I am going back to my liquorice allsorts image, to describe life.

I had many good and beautiful moments in my weekend with a musical community. We had a rehearsal Saturday and concert Sunday. I had many positive interactions. So I guess I am getting to know them. When I reflected with conductor that a person in our group was “good value “, she responded that I was too. It felt better to realise I am growing a decent relationship with her. 2 friends are going overseas so I am spreading my energy around a few groups and people. Trying to connect, being active and social. There are still many challenges. I am trying not to let them get me down and socially withdrawn.

Thanks @Appleblossom

Yes really looking forward to roof getting fixed.

Thanks - I wish I'd been able to get in more training for sport - but this weather.....

I like your liquorice allsorts description analogy for life. Got to keep looking for the colour between the black.

I am glad you are forming deep connections with people.

Yes @Dimity I do have psychologist, but the expense is troublesome.

The nightmares have lessened over time, as have the flashbacks, although I did have a steep increase during radiotherapies, but I seem to have them even less now. Which is great. Intrusive thoughts although never really frequent have stayed about the same, but my response to then has improved, thankfully.

I can also freeze with anxiety and become paralysed about things. I think it's kind of why I use physical activity a lot because at least I'm doing something, even if it's not directly helping the situation, it's burning of anxious energy.

Childhood neglect is now strongly associated with a range of MH issues and ways of coping.

I try to use gratitude as well, but find it's not long lasting

@Till23 Oh, that is SO fair! I can imagine that win would have felt so rewarding. 🤩

I hear you; it sounds like this part of you has held this belief for a long time (but again, that doesn't make it true, just familiar, you know?).

I am curious to know what your perspective on this is today and if you are still feeling that part is present for you? 💛

Hi @AuntGlow Thanks for checking in. I'm not a hundred percent certain what you are asking me here, I'm presuming you are directly referring to my last post to you.

So yes, as with many survivors of CSA this critical part of me has been present since the abuse. The part is constantly present although it seems actually to be getting worse (or stronger). I think when I was younger I thought I had time to somehow change myself. Now I feel it is almost too late even though I never give up trying to be a better, nicer person.

I had a hard but good session with my psych, however I now will have a substantial break as they are on holiday for a bit and then I am going away.

I understand that I need to change my thinking about not being good enough but it seems to be one step forward, two steps backwards. I think some of the problems is that my hypervigilence combined with my belief of not being nice, or good enough means that any small criticism or even less than that possible negative comment I just think is more evidence for my horribleness.

I can't workout how I am going to change this perspective of myself

Hello @Till23 just a note to say I hope you're following up the roofer and/or SES about your roof, although I realise you're busy and may have mixed feelings about being assertive in asking for help.

And I hope *everyone* in NSW enduring the downpours and flooding gets the help they need to get through this.

Unfortunately @Dimity I feel my problem not bad enough to call SES. Although weather is supposed to get worse so probably should have. I am contacting the roofer tomorrow and if he can't come I am going to call another one.

Otherwise I'm not too bad where I am. Streets around me have flooded and have to take detours to get anywhere. I can't walk on my grass because I just sink in and part of backyard has pooling water, but I don't need to go to that part for anything

I hope you are good where you are

Hi @AuntGlow @Jynx hope you are both well and not run off your feet, or at least not wearing out your fingertips typing ! It's been hard to maintain an even keel lately. I don't know particularly why.

I hope it doesn't get too much worse @Till23 it sounds difficult enough as it is. Fingers crossed the roofers aren't booked out.

It's been cold here, 1 degree overnight for several nights, but sunny days. I've been hunting out my woollens.

My NBN has completely failed but I can't afford to upgrade so I've been swinging between looking for other alternatives and despairing that I'll be cut off from even virtual interactions.

Yes, I hope so too @Dimity but it's very likely it will. I hope I can get a roofer too, it's quite stressful.

Which state are you in, if your comfortable saying.

I saw you said on another thread that the cable was broken somewhere outside your property. Such a terrible situation. Can you get wifi from a node or something