Tillogram

Hi @AuntGlow and thanks for checking in, I really appreciate it.

I have cPTSD, depression and anxiety. I didn't disclose CSA until 1990s (two decades after it) I had some treatment but I didn't say much due to overwhelming shame and "breaking the silence". I made a couple of serious attempts during that time. I did get better over time and I stopped psychological treatment, but remained on meds. I started a job I really enjoyed and made friends there and that gave me some confidence and I went on to do another degree and changed professions. I have PTSD from the job I did before the degree and from the one since. Many people in these professions have work-related PTSD. So workplace trauma on workplace trauma, on childhood trauma. I wanted to help other people because I thought that was the only way to have any worth in life, since I wasn't bringing up the next generation. I only became aware of this compounding effect quite recently or even that I had ongoing workplace trauma, in last few years.

Just keeping going and putting one foot in front of the other is what I've always done. It's like if I'm moving the trauma and effects can't catch up to me.

Probably I need to understand that it's OK to relax, that would be helped if I felt I was good enough to deserve a place in this world as this person that I am, without needing to wear a mask to hide the horrible person I feel I really am.

I feel like I need a kick up the bum to get going.

I am so grateful that there is much more understanding of trauma. I suppose I don't have a favourite theory just the broadened understanding of human brain and neurobiology.

Sorry another long post

I don't think you need a kick up the bum as you put it @Till23 . Quire the reverse. I think you've been running so hard and so long you can't stop.

You're lucky to be able to articulate a clear narrative of your life. That's a strength not many have. But you now have a chance to write your own future. You'll need to allow yourself time to reflect on where you've come from and where you want to go, and I suspect it will be more than the busy work of daily domestic chores and weekly commitments. Your ambassador role for the cancer charity may be a clue for a new path forward. You're more than good enough. You have empathy and insight and a gift for communication. An advocacy role drawing on any or every facet of your experience might suit.

Perhaps you're not lacking energy and motivation, you're needing a new vocation. A new purpose.

Written by someone currently devoid of energy motivation and purpose, waiting for deliverance. But meant kindly, and with respect.

Thanks @Dimity I have taken it as kind and respectful advice. I respect your empathy and communication style and your kindness on these forums. You have good knowledge and understanding of MH issues and I always respect your posts and find them insightful and useful.

I would like to use my experience and story in some kind of advocacy role, but I am not sure where to start. I read on a thread tonight that you had recently done some advocacy and it piqued my curiosity.

I am a committee member of my sport club and I volunteeer at a kind of soup kitchen type place, so I feel I am giving back to society in that small way.

I do need to find a purpose for my life, to keep going. I know it's not everyday busyness

I hope you are able to get your motivation back and sounds like you ahve some advocacy for purpose. You certainly have a purpose on these forums

I think you've definitely made a start in advocacy on these forums @Till23 . You've been a role model in owning your CSA and encouraging others with c-ptsd.

My advocacy work is self-directed, on environmental issues, social justice and local amenity. I correspond with representatives at all levels of government and participate in social media. I tend to avoid orchestrated campaigns as by corresponding personally I receive more attention and the courtesies of acknowledgement and often a thoughtful reply. I think I've sometimes made a difference.

I know SANE's CEO is looking for opportunities to build research and advocacy. She suggested a clubhouse model which I found daunting due to my knowledge of how one MH clubhouse operated but that was quite a long time ago so I don't know what she actually had in mind.

Thanks @Dimity I'm not sure about being a role model

I do want to help people because I know it can be tough. So if I can help someone else using my experience, it seems like the right thing to do. I understand it's not the same for everyone, but there are some similarities.

It's great you've found you own advocacy niche.

I don't think I know what a clubhouse model is, can you explain, if you'd like to and have time.

No problem at all! More than happy to. What's been going on for you this evening? @Till23 ✨

It's so helpful to have a bit more understanding of your history, I really appreciate you trusting me and the rest of the community with your feelings. Know that I can see how much you have been through, and I am still in awe of your resilience. I know that you have had to cope through staying active, and I can only imagine how exhausting that must be for you. Perhaps this is something we can work on together? Slowly, slowly encouraging and reminding this part of you that doesn't feel worthy of rest, that it absolutely is. Because you are a wonderful person - and I won't let you contest that, I'm afraid. 😋

Research into trauma is expanding in so many incredible and helpful directions. What is one lesson you have taken away recently that could be helpful for you at the moment? 💛

Good evening @AuntGlow

I'm just doing some folding of my laundry and getting ready for my volunteer shift tomorrow.

I managed to get some household chores done today, including mowing the lawn, because it didn't actually rain today, so also got some washing done, but it's supposed to rain for another week starting tomorrow!

I feel a little bit better, I think because I achieved some things that needed doing. Although I think it's something else as well, it might be because I don't have anything stressful coming up. The last 3 weeks I've had a fair few things on. I feel more calm this afternoon/evening, the morning wasn't as good, I slept in a bit and was annoyed with myself.

I am sad about my dog, so a kind of anticipatory grief but it's not too bad currently, he is sleeping now.

Although I have got through, by keeping on going, I don't think it's any more than most people do, plus I don't have the added stress of children.

I think, possibly, the thing I need to learn is self-compassion. I also feel like I need to find a purpose for my remaining life and possibly to lower my expectations of myself.

@Till23 I don't know what @RachSANECEO means by a clubhouse model for a research and advocacy group.

Trigger Warning.

The clubhouse I knew of expected full-time attendance during the week. Members signed over their disability pensions and financial information to the clubhouse administration who paid their benefits, docked their pay for absences, and lodged tax returns on their behalf. Members were assigned to teams and also had social activities. One team produced the newsletter, another made the salad rolls for lunch. The charity running the clubhouse had a history of being run by and for the parents and families of the people with the particular MH diagnosis and this was reflected in their communications with subscribers to the charity. I remember one article in their magazine discussed the suicide of the author's brother, and the relief commonly experienced by families and the professionals treating the people with this diagnosis when they committed suicide. I cancelled my subscription and asked the charity to remove me from their mailing list.

That charity has since morphed through a couple of name changes and restructures and I don't know their current world-view.

@Till23 This all sounds amazing and so productive! How are you feeling about volunteering tomorrow?

And that makes sense! Pleasure and achievement activate our reward system, which really helps with our mood. Knowing that you have time to cater to yourself and your needs for the next few weeks must feel like a big sigh of relief too - I am so glad you are feeling more grounded tonight (and you absolutely deserved the sleep in). 🥰

Oh yes... I can only imagine. I hope you are able to give him lots of cuddles tonight - please give him an extra one from me.

I think these are all really wonderful intentions to have. We will be here with you along the way. Please message me your updates around this! It would be great to hear what you're doing for yourself. I'd like to suggest that you could even start tonight, by showing yourself some real gratitude for all that you have accomplished today. 💖

Wow @Dimity this almost sounds like a kind of cult and illegal.

I'm sure SANE has a very different model in mind to this!