Acceptance is hard work

@Jynx I have Horizon Zero Dawn here at home somewhere. My Playstation stuff is still packed into a box in the spare room. I got my Switch out the other day to charge it, because I was talking with AuntGlow about using it as a part of my Safety Plan, especially when I wake up of a night and need something to distract me from my thoughts and urges, but I haven't done anything else with it yet. The intention is there though.

We had consoles growing up. My brother and I loved gaming.

That is a great idea @NightFury!! Would setting up the playstaion also help with that? I do that sometimes when my insomnia is really bad.... I realised that if I just kept lying there, I start to get frustrated which definitely keeps me awake. So rather than trying to force it, I get up and game (on console or phone) till my eyes get all sleepy again.

It might do @Jynx

It could be a job for Monday.

I have experienced insomnia before, bouts of it while studying, but my main sleep issue...I sleep in like two or three hour power naps and when I wake up, 98% of the time I wake up panicked or scared. I'm actually afraid of the dark...maybe one day I'll get up the courage to explain why (it just feels really vulnerable at the moment and I've never told anyone before) and when I wake up panicky, and alone at night, I panic even more. It then takes me a long time to regulate and get back to sleep.

Lately, I've been waking up in a panic and that's followed by strong SH urges. Things that help me to keep my hands busy help with that, so we thought that using my Switch might be an easy way to distract myself and keep my hands busy.

@NightFury hey all things in their own time. Maybe you will find a time to share that part of your story here, maybe it is something you will want to express elsewhere, when the time is right.

Curious if nightmares play a role in your sleep issues? It's pretty common for folks with complex trauma.

Makes sense, as SH is a form of external regulation. It sucks to sit with those urges and doubly sucks to deal with the fallout from acting on them. Good on you for seeking alternatives! All emotions move through eventually.

I wonder if some affirmations could help too? Simple stuff like "I am safe, home in my safe space." or "The dark cannot hurt me, it is only the absence of light." Humans have innate fear of the unknown, fear of the dark is a pretty common one I'd wager, just not a fear many people talk about due to that social stigma.

@Jynx I have vivid nightmares and flashbacks too when I sleep, yes.

It's something that I'm pretty self-conscious about actually...I'm a grown adult that's afraid of the dark, that has to have a little bit of light to help her even feel a tiny bit comfortable. I've struggled with sleep, nightmares and a fear of the dark since I was a teen.

I reach for my phone a lot, which is less helpful, as a tool to distract myself when I do wake, but it's better than the alternative. And I use my dog's breathing, presence and the feel of the rise and fall of her chest, to help anchor myself back in my body, I guess, to help ground me to the present.

I just...I don't feel safe of a night. It's hard and it sucks.

@NightFury hey I'm a grown adult who can't clean their house or make a phone call. I think your fear of the dark is more rational than my fear of calling customer service... 😅

You know, I believe adulthood is a myth. I meet 20 y.o folks with more maturity and wisdom than many 60 y.o.s - and me, I can't seem to grow up! I kinda don't want to.

Point is, there's this prolific narrative in our society that when we reach a certain age, we should be confident, mature, and have it all figured out. Yeah I promise you, no one has it all figured out. And anyone who tells you that fear of the dark is only something children need worry about is someone who doesn't understand trauma. In which case, we can either educate, or walk away.

Awww co-regulation from animals is the best!! I love that so much 😍

@Jynx I HATE talking on the phone, so I'm with you on that one.

Don't grow up! You do you. Don't lose that inner child because most "grown ups" have.

I'm crashing, so words aren't coming as easily, I'm sorry.

Hi @NightFury I just thought I'd write something here which might resonate with you.

I hope you don't mind me posting it here.

Reading what you have written has resonated with me a bit as I have had some similar experiences. I decided to post here to show you are not alone in the things you have said.

However, I can delete it if you prefer, just let me know.

I have vivid nightmares and flashbacks at night (sometimes flashbacks in day), intrusive thoughts/images day and night - I am in my 60s.

I have had them since the abuse ended 40 something years ago.

I sometimes have had sleep paralysis when I have woken up, or come to, from a nightmare or flashback. The longest one latest 2hrs and over an hour before I could even move my eyes.

I was often abused at night or at least in evenings when it was dark for years.

A difference is that I don't mind the dark because I can't be seen by anyone else.

I do usually turn my light on when I wake up/come to from a nightmare/flashback at night though.

For years I had little teddys or other apparently decorative things on my bedhead/bedside table that I used to help me. Now I usually just have a fidget spinner on bedside table.

The frequency of these Nightmare/flashbacks did decrease over the years and decades - I didn't talk to anyone about them especially at first because PTSD was a thing only veterans got apparently! So you couldn't talk about it without risking institutionalisation.

When I had radiotherapy for my cancers (first in 2022), which replicated some of the abuse scenarios, the frequency of flashbacks/nightmares increased dramatically until I was only sleeping 2 hrs/night due to multiple nightmares/flashbacks/thoughts for like the duration and more of radiotherapy so 6-8 weeks.

I only told the psycho-oncologist even though it was recognised that other traumas cause PTSD at a much greater overall rate than veterans.

Since my last radiotherapy in 2023 they have again reduced.

TW:

So overall I am saying:

1. You are by far not alone (virtuelly everyone with PTSD and cPTSD has these - in fact it is a diagnostic criteria

2. They can get better (even without treatment, but this rate can be increased with treatment)

3. It's great that you recognise what is happening, idnetifying it is the first step in recovery)

Sorry this is a long post - I am happy to delete it if it's too much. @Jynx @tyme @AuntGlow

@Till23 it's not too much - well, I don't think it is. I want to reply properly - but also need to nite that I am crashing and struggling with words, so I apologise for that.

I've had nightmares/night terrors since I was an early teen and I used to get in trouble for them. I have grown up having nightmares/flash backs and I have also noticed that they lessen and increase in intensity depending on what's happening in my life.

It's reassuring to know that things can improve, it feels like it's been something that's been ongoing for me, for so long, and it's exhausting, not just because of the interruption to my sleep, but because of the emotional toll it takes too.

No problems @NightFury I hope you are able to get a good night's sleep. I will be going to sport training first thing, then after shopping I will be home again so I cn catch up with you then if you like.