Acceptance is hard work

Yes, it's very similar @tyme almost the same. Last time it was a literature review, this time it's a literature review and research proposal and 500 words less. We had to choose a different question to do this assignment on.

This was a young man (teenager) who is my neighbour. He was putting rubbish in the wheelie bin, I was putting the battery back in my driveway camera. We were basically standing in front of each other. He was watching what I was doing and I thought..."I should say hi." But I didn't.

It's cool that you set yourself these little challenges, to ever so slightly expand your comfort zone.

That's okay if you couldn't say hello this time... always another time.

Yes, my life is full of setting challenges. That's how I get things done. Even when I work, I set myself a challenge whether it's "I have to finish X by the 4pm" or "I can go for a walk only if I've finished 2 questions"...

And yes, social challenges are the biggest discomfort. I'm just a homebody so that I'm quite happy just to keep to myself.

But what I've noticed is that when I first see people, negativity comes into my mind straight away. And I don't like it. For example, today, there was a kid riding a bike and mucking around. In my head, I was already not liking the kid and thought "What an idiot".. but then later he so nicely came to me and asked me if I knew where the drink taps were.

So yeah, I want to flip the script and stop being so negative when I see people. That's my current goal. @NightFury

You're not "just" a homebody, my friend @tyme you are not "just" anything.

I think I'm pretty judgey when I see people. I don't mean to do it, but I can relate to thinking negative thoughts about others. I pull myself up on it now. The thing is, it's what I think other people are doing to me...having negative thoughts about me. So, I struggle to make eye contact with strangers I pass in the street, let alone speak to them.

Yes! I'm glad you get that too! I feel I'm really judgy towardas people. And yes, I know it's grounded in past trauma, but this is something I want to change @NightFury Hence I'm focusing on it. Mine is not so much that they will hurt me, but more that I can't trust them.

I think people who have experienced trauma in the past are extra careful with people, especially people they don't know.

So it's slow and steady.

I'm about to head off, so please have a good night. I'll see you mid week if you're around.

Take care.

I get that @tyme I think I do it because it's a bit of both - both a trust thing and a deep wound that tells me everyone always leaves. I don't let people close, because eventually everyone sees that I am not enough and they leave and that hurts. So, I think it's a way to push strangers away, to keep them at a distance.

The slow and steady approach sounds like a good idea.

Hopefully chat mid week. Have a good start to your week.

@AuntGlow I'm in the middle of a good old cry.

I found out today that two of the three people I was telling you about at work, that I was starting to develop connections with, are leaving.

But what set me off...

I have an access plan for Uni which outlines the support I need. My current course, I haven't been getting that support and I've felt so overwhelmed with it. I had four big meltdowns over the last assignment we had due and no support through it. So, I spoke to student access about it and they contacted my unit facilitator. She was straight onto setting up a call and sending me emails and checking in...after two weeks if not hearing from her. Tonight I had a call and I couldn't even use words to ask questions about the next assignment (due this weekend).

I don't understand the content. Research methodology, ethics in research and how to analyse data and putting it all into a research proposal. It all sounds like a foreign language to me. I don't know what help I need with it. I feel so...incapable.

And I got the results of my last assignment the one that gave me meltdowns galore, and I only got a credit overall. I only got a pass on some of the criteria.

I know it sounds silly to have tears over this...it feels silly. It's also important to note that I've been up since 4 am and worked overtime today.

I just...I feel like I can't do it, like I'm going to fail, like I don't know what I'm doing.

A good old cry is more than allowed. @NightFury 🫶

Oh wow, I can imagine this would be bringing up a lot for you, I am so sorry to hear this. How are you feeling about them leaving?

And how you're feeling about uni is so incredibly valid. Of course it's hard to understand when you're not getting the support you need, and that's not on you at all. I can see you are doing all that you can to ask for support and follow up, over and over again.

What do you imagine would help you to feel more capable? Would it be someone or something to help break these concepts down, or even explain them in an experiential or visual way? We all learn differently, especially where neurodivergence or anxiety is concerned. I find learning in traditional ways extremely hard, and I need things explained many times before I fully internalise them. Often, I need to learn by making the 'mistakes' firsthand as well. So, getting a credit is a) very good, especially given how you were feeling at the time, and b) a real opportunity for learning. Did they provide you with specific feedback? This is where I think they can really help you, because research methodologies, ethics, and data analysis are not simple - so please remember to be gentle with yourself!

For comparative's sake, where do you find yourself understanding the material most? What kind of concepts resonate with you and tickle your brain? ✨

I can imagine you must be so exhausted and I think it's normal to find emotions are more present when you're tired.

Can we go back to basics? What self-care could you practise tonight? 🫶

I'm trying not to feel too much about them leaving, but feel sad becsuse I won't get the opportunity to explore those connections further @AuntGlow It's starting to feel very much like maybe I'm not supposed to have friends or people...I've said it to you before...people always leave.

I was so scared for the call, scared to talk to her because essentially I had complained about her. And I just shut down.

My brain isn't good with maths, science and data driven things. It doesn't grip hold of the concepts. But if it's about people, their stories and experiences my brain loves it. I want to know about the lives the Romans lived and how their society was organised, what they believed in and how civilisation changed over time. I don't want to know about the science behind aquaducts.

I want to focus on the research and what it means for people, not the minute details behind it...like what boolean search terms were used, or what framework was used to analyse the data.

The specific feedback they gave was around needing to work on my search strategy - what search strategy did I use for each database, and I needed to use the hierachies of evidence to justify my choice of articles to include in the literature review in more detail. This next assignment I have to design a research proposal, and talk about the methadology, data analysis, ethical considerations etc.

I've just climbed into bed, so my self care is to snuggle down with Luna and hopefully get some sleep.

I can hear that it feels really painful to see people leave, and it truly is so hard to form connections and have them shift or change. @NightFury I wonder if we can challenge this thought that you're 'not supposed to have friends' a little? 💛

Shutting down makes sense, that would have been an overwhelming position to be in. I think expressing your concerns was really courageous.

I completely hear you on the maths vs. people's stories front - I am the exact same, so please know you are not alone at all. I know I have used this analogy before, but I think it really applies here - if you were one of your students or participants, what would you share with them right now? How would you support and reassure them in a strengths-based way?

How much of your course is data/research focused? Is there a way you can allow yourself to 'just be okay' with these aspects of study, so that you can tick that box and then really focus on the things you're most passionate about?
Okay, and how is that feedback sitting with you? I am curious to know if you could explore a tutor, just for this subject?

Aww little Luna. I am sure that a snuggle and some sleep will help a lot.

How has work been overall? Are you feeling connected to your participants? I would love to hear more! Last you told me, you were doing really well. 😍

We can challenge it @AuntGlow. It's just what it seems like at the moment. Friends are drifting away, and when new people come into my life, they leave to.

I was desperate, not courageous. I needed help and I wasn't getting it.

I would tell them that a credit is great! It's a pass and that's all you really need to do, especially in a unit that has been a big challenge. The fact that you got a credit is big, because you wanted to give up and throw in the towel with this one, with the whole study thing entirely. So, to get a credit with so much going on, is actually really good.

I don't think a lot of it is data driven. I think we have two units like this. And this one is one assignment and a couple of weeks away from being over and done with. It's probably too late for a tutor for this subject, given that it's almost finished, but it's something to think about as an option for support.

Work has been good. I've had a busy few weeks. Now that my 3 month probation is almost done, my work load has increased and quickly. But it's nice to be able to balance it somewhat. Yesterday was a busy day. We had an auditor in, and I had three hours of driving and an extended home visit which was tough. And lots of paperwork. So, I'm working from home today to try and balance it all out. I have meetings and PD today.

I miss teaching. I think I miss the connections and the people. I would be on school holidays right now. But it's something I can miss and still be glad I'm not a part of any more.